


Close your eyes, count to ten

by CarlaDuquette



Category: Elite (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Friendship, Future Fic, How come Rebeka's name is misspelled in the character tag come on AO3, Lu and Guzman will not be a thing, Multi, Other Elite characters may appear, Sibling Incest, there will be drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 59,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26037835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarlaDuquette/pseuds/CarlaDuquette
Summary: "I'm going to kill him." Guzman's hands were grabbing the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. He checked the backseat in the rearview mirror. Nadia had pulled Lu into her lap and was stroking the other woman's hair. Guzman could hear "it's alright, it's going to be alright" in a soothing voice before Nadia met his eyes in the mirror. "She won't stop shaking," Nadia said. "At what point do we take her to the hospital?"In theory, Lu had always known that her... whatever she had with Valerio couldn't end well. But she wasn't prepared for this.
Relationships: Carla Rosón Caleruega & Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Hendrich, Carla Rosón Caleruega/Samuel García Domínguez, Guzmán Nunier Osuna/Nadia Shana, Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Hendrich & Guzmán Nunier Osuna, Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Hendrich/ Valerio Montesinos Rojas, Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Hendrich/Valerio Montesinos Hendrich, Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Henrich & Nadia Shana, Valerio Montesinos Hendrich/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 123
Kudos: 129





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic! I have been inspired by all the great writers in the Elite fandom and since I'm still obsessed with the show, I figured I'd try my hand as well, instead of just pestering people with prompts. This will probably alternate chapters between the present and flashbacks to explain how we got here. Lu and Valerio are a thing in this, and I might change the rating to Mature or Explicit at some point, so if you have an issue with this... be warned, I guess, haha.  
> I hope I'm doing the tagging, formatting, etc. right - since I've never done this before, feel free to point out flaws gently. I also don't have a beta, so please excuse any mistakes. Lastly, I write for a living (journalism, not fiction), so my update schedule for this is: Whenever I am not sick of staring at a screen and typing, and whenever the news situation isn't too crazy.

_Present_

"I'm going to kill him." Guzman's hands were grabbing the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. He checked the backseat in the rearview mirror. Nadia had pulled Lu into her lap and was stroking the other woman's hair. Guzman could hear "it's alright, it's going to be alright" in a soothing voice before Nadia met his eyes in the mirror. "She won't stop shaking," Nadia said. "At what point do we take her to the hospital?"

Guzman felt panic rising in his gut and told himself to tamp it down. _Focus on the anger._

"Valerio said to just take her home, have her lie down and make sure she drinks lots of water," he said over his shoulder. "We're going to try that first." He could hear Lu sobbing and it made him feel physically ill. Sure, he and Lu weren’t together anymore, but they had become close friends again when she moved back to Madrid after grad school. To see her like this… _It's Valerio's fault_ , Guzman angrily reminded himself. He took the corner to their driveway so close he had to swerve to avoid driving straight into the flowerbeds Nadia had painstakingly set up a few weeks ago. 

"Guzman!" Nadia shouted, trying to steady herself with one hand while holding on to Lu with the other. "Sorry, sorry," he mumbled before turning off the engine. "Hang on, I'm coming around."

He jumped out of the car and jogged around it to open Nadia's door in the back. With Nadia's help, he maneuvered Lu into his arms. God, she really was shaking. "Shhh, I got you." He kissed her head. Nadia was running ahead and opened the front door. "Put her on the couch, I'm grabbing the water," she told Guzman.

Nadia went into the kitchen and Guzman took Lu into the living room, where he put her down on the large sectional and covered her with the wool blanket Nadia's mother had given them as a housewarming gift. "Lu. Look at me." He held onto her face with both hands. "Can you hear me? We're at mine and Nadia's."

When Lu actually made eye contact with him and nodded, Guzman was ready to sob with relief. "Ok. You need to try to calm down. It'll get better in a little while, I promise. What you took just needs to wear off, ok?" Lu nodded, but tears were still streaming down her face. "I don't - understand," she got out in ragged breaths. "How… He said - he said - he loved me." She began shaking more violently. "How - could he leave me - to be with - with her?"

"Hey." Guzman flinched when Nadia set the glass of water down on the coffee table. He hadn't even heard her come in. His girlfriend knelt down next to the couch so she was inches from Lu's face. "He didn’t have a choice, but he'll come see you tomorrow. Now," Nadia grabbed the water, "please drink this for me." She helped Lu sit up and tried to steady her friend's hand around the glass before bringing it to her mouth. Guzman put his hand on Lu's leg over the blanket and made reassuring noises, even though all he wanted to do was scream.

Once Nadia was sure Lu could hold on to the glass and was actually going to drink the water, she dragged Guzman into the kitchen. "Don't lose it, ok?"

He let out a humorless laugh. "Valerio will not set foot in this house. Not after tonight. Over my dead body!" He banged his fist down on the kitchen counter.

"I know," Nadia said quietly.

Guzman took a long breath. "Did you text him to tell him we were home?" Nadia nodded. "Did he say anything? Did you ask him for how long we should expect her to be this way?" Nadia grabbed her phone and read off the text she had gotten from Valerio. _"Glad you made it home ok."_ Guzman huffed, but shut up when Nadia glared at him. _"Make sure Lu is warm enough, she might kick off her blankets. I think it should leave her system within the next two to three hours, but please don't leave her. I'm not sure how much she had to drink and she might have to throw up later."_ Nadia looked up at her boyfriend before reading the rest of Valerio's text. _"I'm really sorry, I never meant for this to happen. Text me tomorrow when she wakes up? Please. I'm so sorry."_

"NOW he's sorry?" Guzman had a hard time not shouting, but he tried to keep his voice down for the sake of his friend who was shaking and crying on his living room couch.

Nadia still shushed him. "I'm mad, too, but can we please not do this right now? Of course I'm not going to let him march in here tomorrow, but Lu's not going to remember what I said anyway, so why not give her that right now? Let's just get through the next few hours and make sure she's ok- can you do that?"

Guzman squeezed his eyes shut for a second. When he opened them again, he felt like all the fight had left his body. "Sure, you're right," he said. He walked over to Nadia and pulled her in for a kiss. Then he grabbed a large bottle of water from the fridge and handed it to her. "Make sure she gets a refill. I'm going to grab a couple more blankets from upstairs."

When Guzman returned to the living room a few minutes later, Nadia had laid down next to Lu on the couch, with Lu pressed flush against her side. Guzman tugged the down comforter he had dug up from the back of the closet around them and Lu pulled it up to her chin with the hand that was not holding tight to Nadia's arm like it was a life raft. Guzman handed the glass of water to Nadia, who made sure that Lu drank at least half of it. Then he dropped into the leather lounger next to the couch and let his head fall into his hands. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lead a pretty sheltered life, apparently, so I don't actually know anything about drugs and their side effects, which is why I kept this part intentionally vague. It's not the major focus of the story, so I hope it doesn't bother you too much. If you're a drug afficionado, just sub in whichever drug you think could fit in your mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Nightmares, panic attacks.

_6 months earlier_

Lu was laughing so hard she almost fell off the bar stool she was perched on next to Carla. The blonde slapped her arm. "You are such a bitch!" she told Lu before dissolving into a fit of laughter herself. "I'm glad my misery is so funny to you." Carla tried and failed miserably to sound serious. "I was mortified, I wanted to DIE. Not sure what was worse, the look on Samu's face as he tried to pull up the covers or Pilar's eyeroll."

"What was she doing at Samuel's place anyway?" Lu asked.

"Supposedly she was in the neighborhood… Yeah, I didn't believe it either. She obviously misses her baby boy and has no concept of personal space. I was _thisclose_ to demanding Samuel ask her for her key back."

Lu wiped away tears of laughter before waving over the bartender. "Two more gin and tonics, please." When they had gotten to Ginkgo two hours ago, Carla was going to order wine, but Lu knew how that would go. One sip, critical head tilt, another sip and then Carla would be asking the poor guy who served them a million questions, very few of which he would be able to answer. "Nope, not tonight." Lu had grabbed the wine menu from her oldest friend. "No work tonight. And don't even start that bullshit about how drinking wine isn't work. It is when you do it. I get exhausted and I'm just watching you." Three gin and tonics later, Lu was very happy with her life decisions. She hadn't had this much fun in weeks.

The bartender set their drinks down in front of them. Carla grabbed hers, but then set it down again. "Oh, hey- Samu asked when we could go on another double-date with you guys. He's still bragging about how he finished off more sushi than Rafael last time."

 _Shit_. Lu had hoped that Rafael wouldn't come up. She took a long sip of her drink - were they getting _more_ generous with the gin the later it got? - to buy herself some time. But she could only pretend to be savoring the alcohol for so long. "Actually… we broke up."

Carla stared at her. "What?"

"Guess Samuel will need to find himself a new sushi buddy. I hope he won't be too disappointed," Lu said with a shrug, looking at her nails. But she couldn't fool the woman across from her. " We've been here for hours and you haven't mention that? You have been going out with him for more than half a year! I thought you two might become serious. Lu-" Carla tried to grab her hand, but Lu pulled away. "Hey, it's not like he was the guy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with," Lu said. "We had fun and now it's over. Not all of us end up in boring domestic bliss with our high school sweethearts, even though there must've been something in the water at Las Encinas…"

Lu could tell from the look in Carla's eyes that her spiel wasn't working. That's what she got for being best friends with the same person since she was 13. If the situation had been different, Lu would have been touched by how concerned her friend was. There was a time back in high school when this, exactly this, had been all she wanted. For a split second, Lu imagined letting herself be wrapped up in Carla's hug, the two of them going back to her place and her sharing every last detail about why she and Rafael could never work, while Luis Miguel played in the background. They could even have wine.

Then Lu returned to reality. She couldn't possibly tell Carla the full story of why she broke up with the charming med student with the stupid great hair. But from the way Carla looked at her, she couldn't sell her some bullshit about getting bored and moving on either. _Fuck_. She was going to have to give Carla a small part of the truth. "Guys aren't really into women who wake up screaming next to them in the middle of the night and then won't tell them what's wrong," Lu said, trying to sound matter-of-fact about what had definitely been her worst night in recent memory.

_The corner of her bedside table pushing into her spine as she cowered on the bedroom floor. Rafael's voice getting higher and louder with every passing second. His eyes desperately searching her face, his hands smoothing down her hair because he was afraid to touch any other part of her._

"It scared him. I was hyperventilating and he kept asking me what was wrong, tried to get me to talk, saying he wanted to _help_." Lu spit out the last word. "It was the second time he was there for one of those and I just- I realized he would never stop asking questions and I would never be able to tell him what happened, what I did, so… I figured we should end it." This time, she let Carla hug her. 

"How often does that still happen?" Carla asked her quietly, trying to look her in the eye. "Not that often," Lu said. "Three, four times a year." She figured it was a pretty good deal. A quarterly night of absolute terror as the only consequence of murdering someone? Lucky her.

The first few weeks after the high school graduation from hell, she had been in shock. Then the nightmares had started. Lu sometimes still wondered how Nadia had put up with her after moving to New York. She must have been the worst roommate ever, waking up multiple times a week crying, screaming or gasping for air at 3 am, 5 am, or, once, at 4 pm from what was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday afternoon nap. Lu didn't take naps anymore.

She had been cruel to Nadia in an effort to push her away, had been short-tempered and angry and very, very drunk more nights during their first semester at Columbia than she cared to remember. But her friend never let go and eventually, it got better. Lu had no illusions about the fact that she owed her life to two people, and Nadia was one of them. 

Carla paid for their drinks and when they stepped out of Ginkgo into the night, the air was so soft that they decided to walk for a bit. Lu could feel Carla looking at her. After a few minutes of silently braving the cobblestones on their heels, Carla let out a long breath. "Why haven't you told me you still have nightmares? You know that I'm not- that I never-" "I know." Lu grabbed her hand. "It's just that, when I'm not in the middle of thinking about it, I really don't want to think about it. But it's great to talk to someone who knows, who doesn't ask me to explain." That wasn't a lie. Lu felt relieved. Didn't mean it wasn't still painful, though.

"Well, now you know why I couldn't let McDreamy stick around," Lu said. Her attempt to end their night on a positive note was pathetic, but Carla laughed anyway and gave her a side hug. In this moment, Lu appreciated her more than anything in the world. "Well." Carla grinned. "It's too bad. Samuel is going to take it pretty hard."

When Lu got home, she was exhausted. It was like her hangover had decided not to wait until the next morning, but to make an appearance then and there. Lu took off her heels, dropped them right where she stood and walked into her bedroom where she let herself fall into bed. All that talk about breaking up with Rafael made her long for one person, and one person only. She dug her cell out of her purse and sent a two-word text. "You awake?"

***

Her phone rang three minutes later. "Hey, you." Lu could feel herself relax at the sound of Valerio's voice. "Hey," she replied quietly. "Are you alright?" he asked. How did he do that from just one word? "You're creepy, you know that?" she told Val. "I could just be drunk. In fact, I am actually a little bit drunk right now." She could hear him snort on the other end of the line. "I never would've guessed." There was a pause. Then he said "I missed hearing your voice."

Lu couldn't stop herself. "Well, phones work both ways, you know? You could have called. But maybe you were too busy rearranging your closet or making room for her toothbrush or something." Valerio sighed. "I didn't know whether you were still mad at me- " "No, no, it's fine, I was kidding." Lu felt a shiver go through her body and for a moment she thought she might throw up. Then the moment passed.

She decided she needed to turn the conversation around. She hadn't called Val to feel _worse_. "So I had drinks with Carla tonight and Samuel's mom caught her and Samu fucking," she told him. "I bet they are not going to be doing it at his place for the next 75 years." Val burst into laughter. The sound still made her irrationally happy, like she had won a prize by telling the right story. "Oh my God," he got out. "Can I tease her about that on Monday? I will definitely tease her about that on Monday. Why was his mom even there?" 

Lu felt her whole body relax while they were making fun of Carla. God, she wished Val was next to her right now. After some back and forth about her night and the book he currently had on his nightstand ("Are you reading that because you want to or because Oprah told you to?"), both of them were quiet for a moment. She could listen to him breathe forever. She knew that a lot of her friends were uncomfortable with phone calls because they thought they were awkward and that texting was so much more convenient. But some of her most intense moments in life she remembered mostly through the calls she had with Val.

His performative disgust, masking something else, when she had called him to brag about her first time with Guzman. His quiet, seething fury when she told him their dad had slapped her across the face, hard, after she failed her 20th century Spanish politics midterm. His exuberant happiness and pride about her recent promotion that she couldn't wait to tell him about, so she had called him from the Uber home.

And, of course, the 3 am phone calls when he was the only human being on the planet whose voice she wanted to hear - the only voice who would get through to her, would get through the haze of dream, memory and panic and would pull her back into the real world.

_Polo's voice wouldn't stop saying Nobody loves you, nobody loves you, and her heart was beating so hard it hurt and the world was tilting so she crawled out of bed and over to her desk so she had something to lean against, but there wasn't enough air and now everything was spinning and a girl was touching her shoulder and talking at her but she couldn't hear and this girl turned on the lights and then she was holding her phone up to Lu and suddenly- "Lu? What's wrong?" She heard Val's voice. "Hey, look at me. You're safe, Lulu. Everything's ok, try to take a deep breath. Good, ok, and another one." Lu looked around. She was in her dorm room in New York. Nadia - of course, the girl was Nadia - was sitting across from her on the floor holding up her phone, with Valerio on the other end of a Facetime call. "Can you tell me what happened?" And just like that she was back in her dream, with blood streaming down her hands and Polo's voice echoing around her and the light was too bright and she was crying and Nadia looked scared. "Lu, it's ok, you don't need to tell me," Val said. "Just focus on my voice. Deep breaths, remember? You can do this. Close your eyes and count to ten with me, ok? One, two, three…"_

"So." Lu took a deep breath. "I told Carla about the nightmares." Valerio took a second to adjust to the gear change. "Why? Did you have one recently?" Lu shook her head. "No, no reason, it just… came up." "Really?" Val sounded skeptical. "How did you go from Samu's mother walking in on them to this?"

Lu squeezed her eyes shut. There was no way she was getting into the Rafael of it all now, unprepared, drunk, fully dressed in her bed. She had wanted comfort, a distance-hug, not an interrogation. "Well, _Carla_ was great about it, really made me feel better, thanks for asking," Lu said sharply. Val apologized, telling her he was glad she had opened up like that to her friend. They talked about nothing for another few minutes before she got impatient. 

"Are you alone?" Lu made herself ask. She was almost sure, since Val hadn't put the phone down to explain who he was talking to. But better safe than sorry. "Yes. One of Leo's friends from home is in town and she's taking her out for tapas and then drinks. She's gonna be out late." The first word was all Lu needed before she lifted her legs off the mattress to discard her thong.

She could practically hear Val's grin through the phone: "Why do you ask?" _That fucker._ "Shut up," Lu groaned, her hand moving toward her center. "Tell me what you're going to do to me. Now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head canon, Lu uses correct spelling and punctuation when texting, none of that "u awake" nonsense. Also, we never saw much of Lu's and Valerio's father on the show, but I got the impression he wasn't exactly parent of the year material. And in my head, Lulu was Valerio's nickname for Lu when they were little. Now it only gets used when he's drunk or when she's at her lowest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief heads-up not about this chapter in particular, but more about the story in general: In my universe, Samuel never caught Lu and Val at the Halloween party when they were all in high school (S2E5). Since I didn't tag the story as AU, but this could be considered a significant change, I figured I should let you know :) Now on to the main act!

_Present_

Valerio would sleep on the couch after what had happened tonight, he had no illusions about that. The party had come to a pretty abrupt end after Guzman had carried Lu downstairs and out the front door, with Valerio trailing as closely behind as Nadia would let him. There were whispers from their other guests, all of them Leo's friends, and Valerio wanted to slap the scandalized look off of every single one of their faces. At least Carla and Samuel had left early - he wasn't sure he could have put up a front for Carla. He could barely keep his shit together now.

The guests were gone and all he wanted to do was call Nadia and ask how Lu was doing. He picked up his cell - and put it down on the coffee table again. Even if Nadia were to pick up, Guzman would probably slap the phone out of her hand before he could get three words out. He couldn't fault him for it. The text he had sent would have to do. Valerio restlessly tapped his foot on the hardwood floor and took a deep breath.

 _You deserve this._ His stomach clenched when he thought of Lu and what she was going through right now. Had he been right in telling Guzman and Nadia to just put her to bed? Was that cavalier, had he misjudged? No, she hadn't taken _that_ much. Right?

God, he was going crazy. Valerio shook his head. He considered himself somewhat of an expert on the topic and he knew that while Lu had definitely taken more than she should have - way more than anyone with that much alcohol in their bloodstream should have - she hadn't crossed into dangerous territory. He knew that. It was just hard to remember when his mind replayed the exact moment he realized something was wrong, that she wasn't just upset with him, over and over again.

When he heard Leo come down the stairs, he quickly wiped his eyes, then got up from the couch and busied himself with tossing the less comfortable throw pillows off the couch. Why were there so many anyway? One of the things that had changed when Leo had moved in: Lots of useless extra pillows. Valerio didn't like them much, but it had been a minor change, something easy that he could be seen in as deferring to her, so he had.

Now his girlfriend was sitting on the stairs halfway down to the living room in her washed-out Georgetown Law shirt, with her dark-blond hair pulled back and her face scrubbed clean, starring at him. She looked almost as exhausted as he felt.

"Do you want to talk about what the hell happened or do you want to wait until tomorrow morning?" Leo asked him.

Valerio sighed. "Well if you don't mind-"

"I can't believe you still have drugs in the house."

_Ok then._

"I can't believe you still take that shit! I thought you only smoked pot anymore. But no, you don't just take it yourself, you keep enough around to share it with your clearly messed up sister!" By now Leo was yelling.

"Hey!" Valerio angrily tossed another pillow to the ground.

"No, you don't get to be mad at me for saying what everyone could see tonight," Leo said. "And two weeks ago. Stomach flu my ass. I know I'm not allowed to say one bad thing about Lu, but I'm not the one who fucked up here. That was you!"

Valerio walked around the couch and leaned against it so he could look at Leo while they were having this conversation. Which he really was in no state to have, but there was obviously no stopping that train now. He was about to admit to his mistake - _just go full disclosure with the drugs, that should be enough to hold her focus_ \- when he saw Leo's eyes go wide.

"Or… Oh my God. Did she bring the drugs? Is that what her problem is? No no no," she held up her hands, "I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry. Is that… is it drugs? Her panic attacks, the late-night phone calls - are those come-downs from bad trips? Or withdrawal? Is she trying to quit?"

Valerio courtly shook his head. "No."

Leo was almost pleading with him now. "Val, if it is, I understand. I get it. I get why you wouldn't tell me, but if Lu has a drug problem, you're not helping her by keeping her secret."

"Lu does not have a fucking drug problem and I _am_ helping her!" Now Valerio was the one yelling.

He could see Leo retreat back into herself, pulling up her shoulders, her eyes looking down and away from him. _Great job, asshole._ He took a deep breath. _Don't be angry with her, she didn't do anything wrong._ He closed his eyes and took another breath. _One, two, three, four…_

After a short moment, Valerio walked over to Leo and sat down two steps below her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to yell. Please don't stress about this, ok? You should go to bed. Do you want me to make you some tea?"

Leo shook her head. She got up and walked up the stairs without giving Valerio another look. When she got to the top, she said "Smart of you to get the couch ready. There's no way in hell I'm sleeping next to you tonight."

Then she turned off the hallway light, leaving Valerio sitting in the dark.

***

When he woke up the next morning, Valerio felt like he had slept for all of 30 minutes. His eyes were dry and itchy, as if someone had given them a good scrub with sandpaper, and he was freezing. He looked around and found that he had tossed their new lavender-scented throw blanket on the floor at some point during the night. The first thing he did was scramble for his phone. No new messages from Nadia and Guzman. He checked the time - 7:12 am. Maybe that meant Lu had slept through the night. No news was good news, right? Or they were wiped out from taking care of her all night. Or Guzman was on his way over with a baseball bat right now. So many different options.

Before he could decide whether to send Nadia another text, he heard footsteps on the stairs. Then the living room curtains were pulled aside and the light from the gray day outside pierced his eyeballs.

"Good morning," Leo said in a brisk voice.

Valerio groaned. "Leonor, for the love of God…"

She walked straight into the open kitchen. "We are going to have a conversation. If you need to prepare yourself, you have until the coffee is ready."

She was obviously punishing him. Valerio guessed that was fair.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The update took a while (sorry!), but this chapter is also longer than the previous three combined. And a heads-up: The rating has been changed to Mature.

_Four months earlier_

A light breeze sent ripples dancing across the surface of the water. Guzman stretched, then sighed contently without opening his eyes. It was days like this, hot, sunny, without a cloud in the sky, that he was feeling the most self-satisfied about having convinced Nadia to move out of the city and into a house with a backyard big enough for a pool. He and Lu were sprawled out on matching chaises under a large white umbrella, Lu in a classic black triangle bikini with her hair piled on top of her head and Guzman in blue board shorts with a floral pattern.

They hadn't moved in what Guzman was pretty sure was at least an hour, except to reach for their glasses that were sitting on the floor between them, and to refill them from the champagne bottle in the cooler at the foot of the umbrella.

"This," he declared confidently, "is a perfect day."

His friend made an appreciative sound and took another sip from her glass.

"Nadia must be losing her mind right about now," Lu said, setting her glass back down. "This could very well be the last nice day of summer and she's stuck at that damn training center learning about… how to be nice to kids?"

"'How to Reach Out to Children Who Don't Want Your Help,'" Guzman corrected her. "She's been raving about this seminar for weeks, but yeah, when Denisa sent the email this morning about the air condition being out, she got considerably less excited."

Nadia had spent breakfast on the phone with her boss, then a less than helpful AC repair shop, and then her boss again, before letting out a frustrated groan.

"Why is this happening today, when we have Spain's best child psychologist come talk to us? If this was another dumb evaluation workshop, I would just call in sick and hang out with you, but I don't want to miss this."

Guzman had walked up behind her, kissed her neck and told her he was sure the patients at the clinic would appreciate her dedication.

Nadia had laughed ( _"They better!"_ ), then headed for the door.

Before she had left, she'd looked at Guzman over her shoulder. "Hey, don't forget to tell Lu to switch off her phone, otherwise you guys' lazy Saturday is going to last all of 15 minutes."

Now he looked over at Lu and couldn't help feeling a little smug. His threat of tossing her cell into the pool unless she turned it off had actually worked. Sure, she had bitched about it for a minute, but he could tell she needed the break. There were deep circles under her eyes and she looked thinner in her bikini than he remembered.

He could be wrong about that though - she had missed their last two pool parties, so he hadn't seen her in this little clothing in a while. The one at the beginning of the summer had been the same night as the interior ministry's reception for Spain's "Teacher of the Year" awards, so Lu had told them she couldn't be there from the start. But the party three weeks ago had been a last minute cancellation when the news broke that a high-level official at the ministry had misdirected funds from a refugee initiative into his own pockets and Lu and the rest of the press staff had to rush in to coach the minister before her damage control press conference. 

Guzman downed the last of his champagne and got up. "Hey Lu!" he called out.

She pushed herself up on her elbows and pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head. "What?"

"Last one to the other end of the pool has to go inside to grab the next bottle!"

Guzman started jogging toward the pool and could hear a "You bastard, that's cheating!" behind him. He laughed. It amused him to no end how quickly Lu still jumped at the chance of winning any sort of competition. When his friend touched the far end of the pool first despite jumping into the water a few seconds after him, he wasn't surprised at all.

"Nice try, darling," Lu said shoving his shoulder. "Now go get us more drinks."

When Guzman came back outside with their second bottle, Lu was leaning back on the edge of the pool, her legs floating in the water, her head tilted toward the sun with her eyes closed.

He grabbed their glasses, refilled them and stuck the bottle in the ice bucket. Then he walked back to where Lu was half in, half out of the water and sat down with his legs dangling in the pool. He handed Lu her glass, which she accepted without opening her eyes.

"You look really tired," Guzman said, knowing there was a risk his words could be taken the wrong way. When they were teenagers, he had never been able to figure out in advance what would make her mad and just not say it. That had earned him more than a few 'Wow, are you an idiot'-glances from Carla before she went after Lu, who'd stormed off in response to what he had meant as a joke, or an honest question.

"Are you ok? I know work has been a lot, but is that all?"

"Wow Guzman, you sure know the way to a girl's heart," Lu said sarcastically. "Telling me I look like shit is exactly what I want to hear on this beautiful summer day."

Guzman let his head fall back and huffed out a sigh. They weren't 15 anymore, when the wrong color bracelet for her birthday ( _"because you never listen to me!"_ ) or unwanted PDA (he couldn't help but be embarrassed by her kisses in front of his parents) were grounds for a fight. He got back into the pool and grabbed Lu's hand to get her attention. Here was one of the people who knew him best and, he'd like to think, vice versa - it shouldn't be this hard to have a conversation.

"Come on, you know that's not what I mean. I'm saying that if something's going on, you can talk to me."

Lu slipped fully back into the water and attempted to swim away, but Guzman didn't let go of her wrist. The fact she was trying to avoid the question meant that he was right.

He knew he couldn't give up this easily when trying to get Lu to share anything of real importance. A few days before her 15th birthday, she had showed up in class one morning with red eyes, looking like she might burst into tears again any minute. It had taken him two full periods spent by the creek behind the school, with her nestled into his side, to draw the reason for her devastation out of her: Her mother, who was supposed to fly in from Mexico City for her big party, had canceled her trip on account of some business meeting.

"You can tell me now, or you can swim laps until Nadia gets home, by which time your champagne will have gotten warm." Guzman tried for a lopsided grin. "And you won't have gained anything because you know you don't stand a chance when Nadia and I gang up on you."

Lu exhaled audibly and turned around to face Guzman.

"You are so unfair," she said, taking another gulp from her glass.

Guzman had the feeling that the champagne was working in his favor. They got out of the pool and settled back under the umbrella. Lu didn't look him in the eye, but at least she started talking.

"I haven't been sleeping well. It's not one big thing, it's just… one of those months, you know? I get irritated about every little thing that goes wrong. Oliver has been driving me crazy at work, but he isn't really any worse than usual. His incompetence and all the extra time I have to put in to fix his mistakes just make me angry for longer. And then when I finally get home, most days I'm too exhausted to go out and do anything, but it would be nice to have someone there."

Guzman nodded. "I'm sorry about you and Rafael."

"It's fine!" Lu snapped. Guzman had to suppress the urge to put a hand on her knee to comfort her. He was pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate it. Lu took a deep breath, then let it out slowly.

"I'm sorry. This is exactly what I mean." Another deep breath. "It's not that I miss Rafael, I don't." She was starting to ramble. "It's… there's a lot going on at work, as you know, and the break-up wasn't fun of course, and pretty much at the same time Val had his girlfriend move in, which is great, and I'm happy for him, it was just… a lot."

Guzman went stiff in an effort to not physically recoil. He and Lu had an unspoken agreement to not talk about her and her brother. He was pretty sure they were still sleeping together and it was making him sick. But Guzman had also come to understand that if he didn't want to lose his friend, he had to keep his mouth shut. He had told Lu once, in no uncertain terms, what he thought of their relationship shortly after Nadia had told him. It had almost cost him and Lu their friendship and ever since then, he ignored the issue as well as he could. 

Lu briefly closed her eyes. "Forget it. Forget it. All I'm saying is it's a bunch of little things all at once. I've had nightmares more frequently, too, not really bad ones, but they don't help with the lack of sleep either. It… it adds up and I'm afraid that at some point something in me is going to spill over and I can't control what comes out." She looked up at him briefly, then returned her gaze to her hands. "It's like I'm holding my breath waiting for something bad to happen."

Only if you knew Lu very well could you tell her voice was shaking the tiniest bit. Guzman felt like someone was squeezing his heart in his chest. He got up from his chaise, sat next to Lu and hugged her. She let him for a moment before pushing him away.

"And all of that is apparently not doing wonders for my complexion, as you have so kindly pointed out," she said with an almost convincing smile. "Now can I get some more champagne?"

Guzman was trying to figure out whether to press for more of a conversation or move on when Nadia walked into the backyard.

"Drinking champagne by the pool?" she asked mockingly. "I am surrounded by spoiled, rich kid clichés. How much more decadent can you two get? And I say that with nothing but love in my heart."

Lu broke out into genuine laughter, and Guzman was relieved to hear it. But going to bed that night, after a relaxed dinner during which Nadia had regaled him and Lu with descriptions of the various stages of heat meltdown her and her colleagues had been in during their seminar, he was still uneasy. It felt like he had let an important moment pass by.

***

Lu was smiling so wide her face was hurting. She couldn't resist twirling back and forth a little, so the skirt of her shiny green dress was flying up around her. She leaned against Carla, who was standing next to her in front of the club's entrance, directly under the sign that showed a wolf baring his teeth.

"I can't believe we've managed to find a date where all of us could make it!" Lu said to her friend. "I am so excited that we're finally doing this!" 

Carla nodded, then laughed at her best friend who was literally bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "I'll be even more excited when that brother of yours finally gets here so we can go inside," she said.

Samuel walked over from where he was standing with Nadia and Guzman and put an arm around Carla's waist.

"Lu, how did you drag us all here to dance salsa, but you are the one who shows up without a partner?" he asked.

Carla gasped and hit her boyfriend's arm. "Samu!"

But Lu didn't care.

"No, he's fine. I'll mostly dance with Val anyway." She grinned and tossed her hair that she had curled into perfect waves for the occasion over her shoulder. "You might not know this, darling, but I am one of the best salsa dancers you will ever see and I refuse to waste my time with anyone who's not on my level."

Samuel chuckled, and Carla rolled her eyes. "So you two are going to spend the evening making all of us feel like uncoordinated idiots?"

Well. That was not why Lu had organized their group's outing, but she'd admit she enjoyed showing off skills she was good at - and she was _really_ good at salsa. It wasn't bragging when it was a fact, right?

Val and Leo arrived a few minutes later and the group made their way into the club. Leo was wearing a red, flowy halter-top and black jeans so tight they looked painted on. _Who wears pants to go salsa dancing??_ Carla was in a silver off-the-shoulder dress and heels so high Lu doubted she was going to do much dancing. Nadia was wearing a black-and-white patterned skirt and a plum-colored blouse. All three men were in dark jeans, but while Samuel and Guzman wore shirts in muted colors, Valerio's was gold and shimmered whenever the light hit it right. He had the top three buttons undone so his gold chains were showing.

Lu appreciated and hated the bold get-up at the same time. It certainly drew attention, and he must have known that she wanted people to look at them tonight. But it also made her want to rip the rest of his shirt open and drag her hands across his chest.

Looking up and seeing Val kiss Leo was like stepping into a cold shower.

Lu grabbed her phone and waved her hand in the air to get her friends' attention. "Picture time!"

Guzman groaned but she had no patience for that. "Guzman, shut up. Later tonight it's going to be like herding cats with all of you, and I want a memory of this historic night! I don't think we've ever all been to Lobo together, right?"

Samuel spoke up while they were shuffling around their tables to get into position for the photo.

"I've never been and neither has Leo, I think." The blonde nodded. Samuel looked at her. "Well, apparently, you're in for a treat - if you enjoy your boyfriend showing off that is. Someone-" he looked over at Lu, "told me he's basically one half of a world-famous salsa duo."

"So I've heard," Leo said with a laugh. She looked at Valerio and pulled at his shirt collar. "You're going to have to be patient with me though. I know a few basics, but that's it."

Lu pretended to laugh along with everyone else for three seconds. That would have to do.

"People!" she called out. "Focus! Over here!"

She took a few pictures. Then Guzman said she should be in the photo as well - after all she was the reason all of them were there. Leo jumped up from her spot next to Valerio, walked up to Lu and held her hand out for the phone.

"He's right," she said. "You should be in it. And I can take a picture of the old high school gang."

Lu didn't have to be told twice. She handed over her phone, walked around the table and sat down in Val's lap. She knew even before the flash went off that this was a photo she was going to print and frame. Her and Val, Carla and Samuel, Nadia and Guzman all crammed together around two small, wooden tables, grinning in anticipation of a great night.

She didn't just want to print the photo though, she realized. She wanted to hold onto the moment, freeze it, bottle it, _something_. But then Leo was in front of her handing her the phone back and Lu got up to walk back to her chair between Nadia and Carla.

"I'm really glad you came," she told Nadia. "It feels like forever ago that we had fun together and that's unacceptable."

"Hey, you keep missing our parties!" Nadia threw her a mock-accusatory glance.

"I knooow," Lu whined. "I'm sorry. Even more important that you're here now. I know Guzman only came because you made him. And you're not that into salsa either. So thank you."

Nadia smiled and pulled her into a side hug, her brown eyes shining with warmth. "I'm into hanging out with you." 

When the DJ turned up the music shortly after, Lu, Carla and Nadia went onto the dance floor and formed a small circle. There was a lot of jumping up and down and throwing arms up in the air. Lu knew they looked silly. She loved every minute of it.

Pretty quickly, the songs changed from club bangers to salsa. Carla bowed out (yep, Lu thought, wrong shoes) and went back to sit with a relieved-looking Samuel. Guzman met Nadia on the dancefloor, and Valerio and Leo joined them.

Lu went to the bar to get another gin and tonic. She knew she had to let Val have the first few dances with Leo - this was how it worked, she wasn't stupid. She had a shot of tequila while she waited for the bartender to mix her drink, then another one for good measure. By the time she got back to the table, she felt the giddiness that came from just the right amount of alcohol, and a tingling in her feet. She wanted to _dance_. 

When the next salsa song came on, she grinned at Samuel and Carla, got up and walked over to Valerio. Leo smiled and said something to her before she walked away, but it didn't register with Lu at all.

Val drew her close, looked into her eyes and smirked. "Finally."

And then they danced.

***

Lu threw her head back and laughed, her hair fanning her face. Val pulled her back up from the dip and looked at her with that grin of pure joy on his face that she loved so much. From the way her cheeks were hurting, Lu knew that her own face mirrored his.

She never felt as carefree as she did dancing with Val. It was like time, space, other people just faded into the background. At one point, after a particularly fast-paced song where Val had spun her across the entire dance floor while pretty much everyone had stopped to watch them, Lu could hear Guzman dryly mutter "show-offs." Other than that, she only had a very vague idea of her surroundings anymore, or of how much time had passed. Val did that to her. Judging by the way he was looking at her with dark eyes and the way his hand grazed her thigh whenever her really short skirt would fly up, he didn't care much about anything or anyone else in the club anymore either.

Suddenly Lu felt a hand on her shoulder. When she reluctantly let go of Val and turned around, she saw Nadia standing behind her with a forced smile on her face and a quietly seething Guzman next to her.

"I hate to interrupt, but can you take this one off my hands for a few minutes? I need to go freshen up and Guzman is just so, uh, in the groove right now that he… doesn't want to stop dancing?" Nadia was blabbering loudly.

Lu was confused, but then she looked back to their table, where Carla had ended up in Samuel's lap giggling - and Leo was sitting with her arms crossed looking impatient on the way to angry.

Guzman brusquely grabbed her before she could even say "Sure" and Val walked back to his girlfriend. Lu made sure she was facing the other way. She thought she could hear Guzman grinding his teeth. He looked right at her for a second, his lips pursed into a thin line, then proceeded to fix his eyes on a point above her head. _Good_. Lu's heart was still racing and she didn't want to talk to him either.

Nadia, however, had no problem voicing her thoughts when she got back a few minutes later. She grabbed Lu by the wrist and pulled her to the club's coat room.

"Hey, you're hurting me," Lu said. "What the hell, Nadia?"

"You were getting too obvious in there. Do you know that you two danced together for more than an hour?" Nadia was dragging a hand through her curls, sounding almost desperate. "You didn't see yourself, but we did. Guzman and I just saved you guys."

"Oh please." Lu took a step back from Nadia and let out a humorless laugh. "We were just having fun. Carla obviously didn't see a problem with it. Or did you see her running up to push Samuel on me?"

Now Nadia was getting mad. Lu could tell by the way she drew her eyebrows together. Good, she was growing more irritated by the second as well.

"Carla didn't see a problem because she doesn't know!" Nadia said. "You don't get to hold her up as the fun parent. Or have you told her?"

Lu pressed her lips together and looked down at the floor.

"I didn't think so," Nadia said. She sighed. "Let's go home."

By the time they were all outside, Leo had apparently decided the best cause of action was to ignore her boyfriend. She was animatedly chatting to Guzman about… something related to corporate malfeasance? Lu could not believe that this was their drunk talk, but as long as it meant she could hang on Val's arm and sing Luis Miguel songs off-key with him providing pretty bad harmony, she didn't care. Let Nadia throw them all the dirty glances she wanted.

Samuel lived a few blocks away from Boca del Lobo, so he and Carla decided to walk home.

"Hope your mom doesn't stop by for a surprise visit again!" Valerio yelled after them. Carla stretched her arm back to give him the finger without even turning around.

When the large cab Guzman had waved over pulled up to the curb ("No way are we paying Uber's surge prices right now!"), Val called the seats in the very back with the enthusiasm of an antsy fifth grader on a school fieldtrip, then pulled Lu into the back with him. Guzman and Nadia sat in the middle row of seats with Leo between them. Nadia made sure the driver had the right order in which to drop them off and Lu was glad at least one person was sober. She could not manage one logical thought anymore, let alone several addresses. 

They hadn't been in the car for more than three minutes when Val started drawing small circles on Lu's knee with his fingers. _Fuck._ He looked at her, all the drunken silliness gone from his face. She gave him the tiniest nod. In front of them, Guzman was showing Leo pictures on his phone.

Valerio pushed his hand up her thigh until it was under her dress, all while staring straight ahead. Lu dug her nails into his knee. He was caressing the inside of her thigh right below her panty line and Lu was trying so hard not to moan she thought she was going to choke on the sound. The traffic noises from outside, the reggaeton from the radio, the laughter from the row in front of her - everything was fading until all she could hear was her own heartbeat and the blood rushing in her ears.

She released Val's knee and pushed her hand into his jeans pocket, palming his dick over the layers of fabric. His head fell back and he grabbed the inside of her thigh so hard she drew in a sharp breath.

Nadia turned around and looked at her for a second, her eyes going wide. Then she snapped her head back to the front. Lu was too far gone to care.

Valerio pushed her panties aside and entered her with two fingers. Lu's eyes fell shut. She stopped breathing and parted her legs wider for him. Somewhere deep in her sub-conscience, she knew she couldn't make a sound, but other than that, the rational side of her had shut down. Val's thumb was brushing her clit and she lifted her hips for more fraction, reaching for his wrist to push him further inside of her. _Deeperharderfastermore_. She was riding his fingers and could feel the world tilting, when-

"We're here!" Nadia announced loudly.

Valerio ripped his hand out of her just before she heard Leo's voice.

"You awake back there?" she asked. "Valerio, we're home, let's go." And when he didn't move right away: "Hey, is Lu alright?"

Lu could feel four pairs of eyes on her. She was pressing her hands into the seat so hard she was pretty sure she was going to leave prints, but she still couldn't get her erratic breathing under control. For a split second she had the ridiculous thought of telling Val not to go. Clearly not an option. _Breathe_.

She tried to focus on the smooth feel of the car upholstery, on the hammering of her heart in her chest. She didn't trust herself to look at Val, didn't want to see the hunger in his eyes. She didn't want to see Leo's look of concern either, or Nadia's disdain. So she just kept her eyes closed. _Breathe._

Valerio brushed his hand against her shoulder as he was exiting the car. His fingers were still wet. Lu was shaking from the effort not to reach out and pull him on top of her.

"Yeah, she just had a little too much." His voice sounded raspy, but once he cleared his throat it went back to normal. "Trying not to be sick."

She could hear the cab driver sounding slightly alarmed. "If she's going to throw up-"

"I'm fine," Lu managed to get out. _Breathe._

At least the lie gave her the perfect excuse not to talk to the other two passengers still in the car with her. She wasn't sure whether Guzman bought it - Nadia definitely didn't - but thankfully it also allowed her to keep her eyes closed as the cab pulled away from the curb. She didn't want to see Val and Leo walk into the house together.

***

When she woke up the next morning after way too little sleep - she never got more than five hours after a night of drinking - Lu still felt on edge. She had finished the job herself last night, but it wasn't the same. She had wanted Val right there in the back of that cab, had wanted to scream out his name and for him to scream out hers.

Instead she had let herself into her empty apartment and was touching herself leaning back against the front door as soon as she had pushed it closed. She had barely held it together for the rest of the drive, there was no way she could've made it any longer.

Lu groaned, then got up and walked to the bathroom. Last night she hadn't bothered with removing her make-up and now she felt disgusting. She had just scrubbed off her rose gold facial when her doorbell rang. She briefly considered ignoring it so she could put on moisturizer, but then it rang again. Fine. She would leave her face feeling raw until she could send whoever was at the door the hell away.

Padding down the hall in her pink silk pajamas Lu winced. Her head hurt and she couldn't wait to get back to bed with a large mug of steaming chamomile tea. When she opened the door and found herself face-to-face with a very much awake Nadia, who was practically vibrating with moral outrage, Lu couldn't help but sigh audibly. Why, _why_ did she have to open the door?

"Good morning to you, too," Nadia said, pushing right past her into the apartment.

Lu rolled her eyes. "Why don't you come in?" she said to Nadia's back.

They walked into the living room. Lu leaned against the wall and watched Nadia pace in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows. Her bright-red hijab was a jarring contrast to the gray day outside. Summer really was coming to an end.

Lu knew that she could kiss her plans for a quiet Sunday morning goodbye if she didn't stop her friend now.

"Nadia, listen, I just woke up, I have a pounding headache, so whatever this is, can it wait until later? How about dinner sometime this week? I know you came all the way over here, but-"

"What the hell were you thinking? I saw exactly what you were doing in the cab last night!"

_Here we go._

Nadia walked up to her until she was so close Lu could have reached out and touched her.

"I cannot believe you," Nadia hissed. "Leo was right there!"

"It wasn't my fault," Lu said. "Val started it."

Nadia didn't seem impressed. "You certainly didn't stop him."

Lu clenched her jaw. She had not expected to be slut-shamed in her own home when she woke up this morning. In an effort to calm down, she closed her eyes and started counting, but she only got to three before she snapped them open again. _Fuck this._

"Listen, Nadia, I'm not going to apologize for something I'm sure you could tell I enjoyed. Now if you don't mind, I really want to go lie down again, so…"

But Nadia made no move toward the hallway. Instead she took a step back from Lu and toward the couch. Lu did not follow her. _Why is she not leaving?_

Nadia looked down on her hands. "If we don't talk about this now, I feel like you're just going to come up with excuse after excuse," she said softly. She exhaled, pulled her shoulders back and looked up at Lu. "And you need to hear what I have to say. Not just about last night but about what you're doing to yourself by…" Nadia faltered. "By still… seeing Valerio."

Lu's heartbeat picked up. Her face burned and the pounding in her head had settled into a steady staccato, but all those things only spurred her on.

"'What I'm doing'- I can't believe you!" Lu faintly realized she was shouting, but it was more of an observation, something happening to someone else that she was powerless to stop. "We're adults, but you are still judging me. I'm sick of this!"

Nadia put her hands out in a pleading gesture. "Lu, this isn't judging. I'm worried about you. You know I love you no matter what, I just-"

"No, you don't!" Lu snapped. She could feel control rapidly slipping through her fingers.

"Stop saying that when it's not true, Nadia! You love me when it's easy, when I'm behaving like you think I should, when I'm doing everything _right_. Or when you think you have to, when I'm broken on the floor and you feel like you need to save me because that's what you do. You saved Guzman, too. I thought I did for a little while, but that was delusional. I just happened to be there to make sure he didn't jump to his fucking death that afternoon a million years ago. Like that meant something. God, I was such an idiot to think that Guzman ever truly loved me."

Nadia looked at her, stunned. "What… what are you talking about? He did love you," she implored. "He does."

Lu went on like Nadia hadn't said a word. "He enjoyed being with me when it was fun, when I was exactly the kind of girlfriend that fit into this picture he had of himself - the kid who always has the newest toys first, who's not afraid to walk straight into a storm, who says 'fuck you' to conventional choices. I was like a force of nature he could brag about having reined in. But I could feel the switch in him whenever I went from that to the girl who was too much. It was in the way he said my name, or in how he'd grip my hand harder to stop himself from pulling away. I could see it, but there was nothing I could do about it. And you know how hard I tried."

Nadia had dropped onto the couch. Lu was vaguely aware the other woman was staring at her.

"Why would you say that?" Nadia asked her quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Because it's true! It wasn't his fault, I get it. I'm not easy to love."

Lu wondered whether inhaling air into her lungs had always been this difficult. How had they gotten here? She wished she could stop herself from going on, but she knew she couldn't, not anymore. It would be like wading into Niagara Falls and trying to stop the water. She'd drown. 

"I wasted almost 18 years of my life trying to meet my dad's standards, too. But you know what helped me get through that? Knowing that Val would always be back at some point. That I wouldn't be alone in that giant house forever with a maid and, and a father who tolerated my existence if I worked hard enough to bring home the best grades, the most handsome boyfriend with the right family. Val _loves_ me. He doesn't turn away when I get ugly and mean, he's never ashamed of me. He's pulled me back from the dark so many times. You know that!"

"I do," Nadia said in a soothing voice that made the hairs on the back of Lu's neck stand up. "And no one wants to take that away from you. Valerio will always be your brother. But this thing… what you two are doing, it isn't just wrong, it's hurting you. I can see it. Ever since he and Leo-"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Lu was squeezing her eyes shut. "You don't get it! Val is everything to me. Giving that up would be like ripping half my fucking heart out. So don't you dare say you love me 'no matter what' when what you really mean is 'I _would_ love you if you weren't fucking your half-brother.'"

Lu was shaking, but Nadia sat on the couch frozen in place, staring straight ahead. For a split-second Lu wondered whether she had imagined the sound of her own voice. Perhaps she hadn't spoken at all? It felt like she was oddly removed from everything. Then Nadia blinked and Lu had the violent sensation of being slammed back into her own body. 

"You need to leave," she told Nadia.

"I-"

"Get out!"

Lu didn't wait to hear the front door slam shut before she ran to the kitchen sink and threw up. When her body stopped on its own, she shoved her finger down her throat until she was retching up nothing but bile and the edges of her vision were going blurry. Lu briefly considered lying down on the couch, but walking all the way back into the living room seemed like a monumental task. Instead, she slid down with her back against the kitchen counter, stretched out her legs on the cool tile floor and closed her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-out to my colleague Oliver -.-  
> In my head, the song Lu and Val danced to that finally pushed Nadia and Guzman to intervene was Mala Mujer by C. Tangana.  
> If I had a penny for every little change I made to the Lu-Nadia scene at the end, I'd be sitting by a pool sipping a glass of champagne myself right now. Alas! Good is better than perfect, right? I'd love to hear your thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's technically time for a Present chapter, but when inspiration strikes, it strikes. I have a feeling we might go forward with more Past chapters from here until we get to the Night Of.

_Three months earlier_

The box was taunting her, Lu was sure of it. She let her hand glide over the smooth, dark wood, her fingers following the engraving. A sentimental person might have to fight tears at the thought of how different things were now from when she first got the box. Good thing she wasn't sentimental.

Lu carried the box over to the bed and sat down. Carla would be over in less than half an hour, then she'd hand the damn thing over and never see it again. Lu opened the jewelry box one last time. She was still struck by the beauty of the necklace inside. Carefully she took it out and let the silver chain run through her fingers. Ramallah jewelry makers, as she had learned during her research, were known for their artistry with sterling silver, which they turned into delicate earrings, engraved bracelets or necklaces like the one she was holding right now. She let the chain dangle from her fingers and watched the pendant, two olive leaves, catch the sun and reflect small spots of light all across her bedroom wall. 

A sentimental person might be upset about not being able to hand this gift, that had taken so much planning and cajoling to procure and had almost triggered an international incident, to her friend in person. Lu tried to imagine the way Nadia's eyes would light up when she'd open the jewelry box, her wide smile when she'd ask Guzman to help her with the clasp of the necklace, how she'd touch the two olive leaves before enveloping her in an embrace- Lu shook her head. Good thing she wasn't sentimental.

She thought back to the beginning of the year.

_When Lu learned that the foreign minister would take a trade delegation on a two-week trip to the Middle East, she immediately checked the group's itinerary. Upon seeing the Palestinian Territories on the list, she sprang into action. A few days, a Google deep-dive and a grainy Skype call later, she had everything planned out._

_"Javier, come ooon, for me?" Lu begged the older man she had dragged to a cafe during their lunch break. "It's really important. Please. You can't find anything of this quality online, I checked."_

_The Foreign Office's head of communications gave her an exasperated look over the rim of his glasses. "We don't even know yet what the minister's schedule will be that day! We'll probably have less than four hours in Ramallah and you want me to go on this wild goose chase to find some jeweler in a back alley somewhere-"_

_Lu pulled a piece of paper from her bag and handed it to her erstwhile mentor with a bright smile. "I have the address and the name of the place for you right here. And a picture of the piece I want - make sure you get the necklace with the two olive leaves, not one. I'd love to do it myself, but it's your boss who's going, not mine. You can just make a quick stop right before you leave, in and out in no time!" She paused briefly. "I may have already told the guy that you're coming."_

The mission had turned into a little bit of an adventure for poor Javier, but she really could've had no way of anticipating that a wedding procession would block the street where the jeweler was. Javier had insisted that yes, that was exactly where he needed to go, but he hadn't expected his driver to spin the wheel around so quickly. The soldiers posted at the next street corner had only seen a car almost drive into the crowd and were ready to start shooting when the driver got out of his car with his hands up and started explaining the situation.

The guards still weren't going to let Javier pass, so he had made a call to the minister, who had called the local head of security for the Palestinian portion of the trip, who had then talked the guards into letting the Spanish fool through. 

"Your stupid necklace almost got me killed and was _thisclose_ to derailing our Middle East trade deal," he had told Lu when he handed her the box with dramatic flourish a week later. "You owe me big time."

And now she wouldn't be able to give it to Nadia herself, wouldn't be able to tell her this story and laugh with her about it.

A ring at the door pulled her from her thoughts. Lu carefully put the necklace back into the small box and walked into the hall. When she opened the door for Carla, her friend hugged her, then gave her a once-over. Lu's grey leggings, oversized red shirt and messy bun were a stark contrast to Carla's artfully distressed D&G jeans, black blouse and tight topknot.

"Wow, you are seriously not coming," Carla said.

Lu tried for a nonchalant shrug. "I told you. Here," she held the box to Carla. "Make sure she doesn't toss it across the room when she hears it's from me."

"I'm going to ask you one last time: What the fuck happened between you and Nadia that you can't even go to her birthday?"

Lu crossed her arms, her face closed off. "And I'm going to tell you one last time, we had a fight."

"But about what?? Lu, it's been four weeks, you need to get your shit together. You're grown-ups, not high school frenemies fighting over a boy. Unless…" Carla gasped. "Oh my God, this is not about Guzman, right? Please tell me you didn't, like, hit your head and fall down that hole again."

Lu started laughing. The idea was so absurd, and she was so tired, that it took considerable effort to calm down enough to answer Carla. "No, Nadia and I are not in a catfight over Guzman," she said. "If you tell anyone you even thought that, I will end you. I did talk to him on the phone last week though. He wanted to make sure I knew that I was uninvited."

Carla opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, Lu grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her toward the door. "Time to go give Nadia my present. Oh wait!"

Lu ran to the kitchen, grabbed an envelope off the counter and came back, handing it to Carla. "And the card."

She had agonized over what to write. Lu still didn't think Nadia had the right to judge her actions, but she also hated herself for how she had let the conversation escalate. In the end, she had settled on a few short lines.

"Nadia,  
I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you. Hope this gift reminds you of your family's homeland.  
Happy birthday, I miss you, Lu"

***

When Carla got to the party, Nadia was talking to other guests. She walked around looking for Guzman and found him in the kitchen. "Here," she handed him a bottle of Paralleda, "put this in the fridge for exactly half an hour. Don't forget it in there like you did last time!"

Guzman chuckled. "Carla, I hate to break it to you, but some people out there are going to put ice in it anyway because that's how they drink their white. So it really doesn't make a difference for how long I leave it in the fridge."

"Well I can't speak for those heathens, but it does to me," Carla said. She looked at Guzman with raised eyebrows until he rolled his eyes and set a timer on his phone, chuckling. 

When his laughter died down, there was a beat of awkward silence between them. Then Guzman cleared his throat. He and Carla started talking at the same time. "Thanks for coming, I know-"

"We don't have to-"

They both stopped. Carla exhaled. _This is ridiculous_.

She was more than grateful when Guzman suggested finding Nadia. They went back into the living room, where the woman of the hour smiled when she saw them. She hugged Carla and gushed over the perfume the blonde handed her. Carla explained that Samuel was finishing up a brief for a big case, but would come as soon as he could. Then she reached into her bag and pulled out the jewelry box.

"Another present?" Guzman asked. "Damn, Carla, you're setting the bar pretty high for my birthday."

"Uhm, this is from Lu," Carla said. Silence. _Ok then, just keep talking._ "I stopped by her place before coming here. She says happy birthday. And here's the card."

"Oh" was all Nadia managed to say. She read the card, then reached for the box. She took out the necklace and ran her fingers reverently over the silver olive leaves in her palm. "Where did she get this?"

"Ramallah, I think," Carla said. "Some government delegation went earlier this year and Lu's mentor was on the trip, so she found this jeweler online and had him pick it up. Apparently there was some drama-"

But Nadia had stopped listening. Abruptly, she turned away from Carla and some other guests who had joined them and walked into the kitchen. Carla and Guzman followed her. Nadia was facing away from them, but turned around when Guzman placed his hand on the small of her back. There were tears in her eyes.

"Lu really did this?"

Carla nodded and took another step toward her friend. "Nadia," she said, halting before pushing on. "She should have been the one to give it to you. What happened?" 

Nadia opened her mouth, then closed it. "You need to ask Lu," she finally said.

"Oh my God." Carla threw her hands up in the air. "You two are impossible."

***

Later that night, Carla, Samuel and Omar were standing outside by the pool with their drinks. Carla let the boys catch up for a little bit, before she zeroed in on Omar.

"Ok, I've waited long enough. Do you know what the hell is going on between Nadia and Lu? Neither of them will spill and Guzman obviously does what Nadia tells him."

Omar held up his hands. "I have no idea," he said. "I swear. But it's not some small disagreement. Nadia won't say anything, but I know it's bothering her. I've only been in town for two days, but I've already caught her staring off into the middle distance several times. And last night she and Guzman had one of those whisper conversations that they stopped immediately when I walked in."

Carla nodded slowly. "Yeah, Lu would bite off her own tongue before she admitted to it, but I can tell she's not been doing well, either." She reached for Samu's hand and let him pull her closer, until she was leaning with her back to his chest. They had been talking about how worried she was last week, when Lu had told her she wasn't coming to Nadia's birthday.

"It really sucks." Omar sighed. "I was looking forward to seeing Lu, but that's obviously out now. I hate having to pick sides."

"I know what you mean," Samu chimed in. "I've been in the same situation with my brother. Our first year at Las Encinas, Christian put a huge dent in Nano's car. I was at Christian's house every afternoon for a week because we had to do this English project together and Nano couldn't know we were hanging out. I never would have lived it down how I had picked Christian 'over your own brother!' Even though it was for school."

They all laughed. Carla's heart didn't stop anymore whenever Samu mentioned Christian. The fact that he had regained the ability to walk, even if with a cane, played a part in this. But she really only felt she could fully breathe again after Christian had asked to meet her a few years ago and told her he had forgiven her. They would never be friends, Carla hadn't accompanied Samuel to Christian's wedding last year. But now she could stand here and laugh about an anecdote Samu shared about his friend without feeling like she was rotten on the inside.

"I wonder whether the brother thing is why Valerio isn't here, either," Omar mused. "Like, did he stay home out of solidarity?"

"He's certainly keeping his mouth shut out of solidarity." Carla huffed. "I was trying to get him to talk every time I saw him around the office for a week. Wouldn't say a word! And normally Valerio is not exactly the quiet type. But he was all weird about it. Whatever happened, I'm pretty sure he was involved." 

***

Nadia was wiping down the kitchen counter where a little wine had spilled when she heard Guzman behind her.

"Hey, we can do that later," he said. "Why don't you go back out there and enjoy your party?"

She put the sponge aside and stood motionless with her hands flat on the kitchen counter for a second before she turned around.

"I can't believe Lu went through all this trouble," Nadia said, her voice breaking. When she saw Guzman open his mouth, she talked faster. "Maybe we're making a mistake. You were pretty harsh with her on the phone. Maybe if I called her right now-"

"Nadia."

She played with the olive leaves on the chain around her neck and looked up to stop the tears from coming. She would not cry about this on her birthday. Again.

Guzman walked over to her and took both her hands in his. "It's a beautiful present. But Nadia, nothing has changed. Lu and Valerio need to stop playing this sick game. She won't face any of her other problems before they do. And you told me that she basically screamed at you to get the fuck out of her house when you were trying to help." Guzman's voice was getting hard. "That's high-school-Lu behavior. It wasn't ok when she was 16 and it sure as hell isn't now."

"You're right," Nadia mumbled. "I just-"

"I know." Guzman framed her face with his hands and kissed her. Then he stepped back, held out his hand toward her and gave her one of those crooked smiles that had first made her fall in love with him. She did her best to smile back, took his hand and walked out into the living room with him.

***

Lu was on the couch with a Bailey's hot chocolate. On her TV, Cher, Dionne and Murray had just survived driving on the highway when her phone beeped with a text. "I'm outside. Come down, bring a jacket." Lu's heart swelled. She hadn't seen Val since that night in the club - she had wanted to make him suffer over how he had left her hanging - and they had only briefly talked when she had warned him that he was on Nadia's shitlist (the occasional sexting was stress relief, not talking). And now he was outside her door.

Five minutes later she was leaning into his convertible, giving him a challenging look. "It's Saturday night. I could have had plans."

Val laughed. "We both know you were on the couch feeling sorry for yourself. And since we've both been uninvited by you-know-who, I figured I'd stop by." His voice got serious. "Hey, come here."

Lu got in the car. When Val hugged her, it felt like the armor of indifference she had worked hard to maintain these past few weeks melted away. She buried her head in his chest and could feel her eyes well up. This, _this_ , his arms tight around her, his heartbeat in her ear, his hand in her hair, this was home.

They sat like that for a couple of minutes. Eventually, Val drew away just enough to look her in the eyes and pulled her lips up to his, kissing her slowly.

Before Lu could lose herself in the kiss though, he stopped, sat back in his seat and turned the key. "I wanna show you something."

They pulled up on a hill in the middle of nowhere half an hour later. Val grabbed a blanket from the backseat and led her through the woods until they reached a pond. They sat down a few feet from the water and Lu drew her jacket closer around her. It was September and past 11 pm, the nights were getting cold now.

Val leaned over and brought his mouth up to hear ear. "Look up," he whispered.

Lu did as she was told and found her breath catching in her throat. Without the lights of the city, the sky was ink-black - and filled with millions of stars. Lu laid back. With the darkness enveloping her, no light except from the stars above, it felt like she was floating. She slowly breathed in and out. The wind rustling the leaves of the trees behind them. Val and her touching in so many places, their legs intertwined, her hand holding on to his, she couldn't tell anymore where her body ended and his began.

She pressed even closer into his side. "I don't ever want to leave," she whispered. "Let's stay here forever."

Val pulled her hand up and pressed a kiss on it. She could feel his soft reply more than she could hear it. "Forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to end the chapter here, contrary to what I first had planned, to let Lu and Val have this moment before all the angst picks up. Soundtrack for their starry night is Maggie Rogers' Color Song.  
> In case you're interested in getting your own Palestinian silver necklace, bracelet, earrings, what have you without joining a government delegation, there are actually quite a few places you can order from online. They might not hold up to Lu's standards, but the jewelry is still very pretty :)  
> Lastly, let's have a standing ovation for Javier. Hero.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Nightmares and panic attacks

_Two-and-a-half months earlier_

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Lu should have known better. She had dared to let her guard down, had forgotten about the rules for one fucking second under the stars with Val and then one week later, everything went to shit. Why did she never learn?

Every time she admitted too openly (to herself, to the people around her, to the fucking universe) that she was happy, disaster struck. She could fight tooth and nail for what she wanted - that was fine. But she could never let herself get lost in the moment once she'd gotten it. If she allowed herself that feeling of contentment, or worse, even joy, if she greedily wished for it to last longer, bad things happened.

When Lu was eight, she convinced her father to buy her a pony. It had taken weeks of begging and pouting, which was unusual. Normally, if she wanted something money could buy, her father would get it for her quicker, if only to shut her up. But eventually she had gotten her way and for two blissful weeks, her nanny took her to the stables every day so she could ride Daphne, feed her carrots and comb her honey-colored mane. Lu was so delirious with excitement that she could not stop talking about Daphne, and her nanny, Marie-Angela, indulged her, laughing at her stories and cooing with Lu over the photos she had taken of the pony's long lashes. Lu had never been happier. And then Marie-Angela died in a car accident. Logically, there was no connection between her pony and the drunk driver who hit Marie-Angela's car, but Lu couldn't get rid of the cold knot in her stomach. She didn't know how, but in some way, this was her fault. She had been too happy.

When Lu was 14, she finally got Guzman to agree to be her boyfriend and had the best night of her life on her first double date with him, Polo and Carla. They went for dinner at Mama Lucia's, where Lu had _two_ slices of pizza and didn't even feel bad about it because she was so giddy. Guzman had kissed her - HE had kissed HER - right there in the restaurant before they had even sat down! Lu was practically floating on the way home - and less than 48 hours later, Marina hit a snag in the road while she was riding her bike, fell into oncoming traffic and broke her leg in three different places. She couldn't dance for six months. Everyone said it was a miracle she hadn't been injured worse. Guzman had come from the hospital straight to her place, where he started sobbing like he was in excruciating pain himself. When Lu realized what was happening - again - she had to excuse herself to go throw up.

When Lu was 17, she told Guzman she loved him, being more open with him than she had been with almost anyone ever, and he broke up with her 187 minutes later.

When Lu was 24, she brought Rafael to dinner with her friends at Carla's house for the first time, where she realized she really enjoyed having a boyfriend she could kiss in public. Two weeks later her nightmares returned, with a viciousness that took her breath away.

She had allowed herself to revel in the joy of a night of dancing with Val in front of a club full of people, and had lost two of her closest friends as a result. And last weekend she had been foolish enough to admit out loud that she wanted to cling onto a fleeting moment where the outside world couldn't touch her and Val. Three days later, the ministry where she had spent a good chunk of her waking hours over the past year, became Ground Zero for Spain's worst scandal of the 21st century so far. 

Lu pressed her hands into the cold marble and tried to take deep breaths. She could feel the onset of a headache at the back of her skull. Her fingers curled around the edge of the office bathroom vanity. Go away. _Please._ She did not have time for this. She needed to get back out there, to the dumpster fire that her job had turned into, to try to contain the flames. But Oliver, Sofia and the rest could wait for one more minute. Lu ran cold water over her wrists.

Her cell beeped with a text while she was drying her hands. Lu felt tempted to throw it across the room and watch it shatter into a thousand pieces. Then she thought of the loud noise it would make and winced. Bad idea. 

She checked her phone and saw a message from Val: "Sorry I didn't take your call."

She wasn't upset, it wasn't like he had ignored her. As soon as she had finally hung up last night, after waiting longer for him to pick up than she'd like to admit to herself, Val had sent a "You ok?" text.

Lu knew what that meant. "Is this an emergency? Do I need to make sure you keep breathing? Because if it is, if I do, I will. But if not - sorry, can't really talk right now."

Lu imagined that after he had gotten her "Yeah, fine" reply, he'd gone back to fucking Leo. Or maybe making his paella for her. Or watching a movie, curled up with her on the couch, her head on his chest…

To her dismay, Lu saw a tear run down her cheek in the bathroom mirror. No. This wouldn't do. Exhaustion, that was all it was. Angrily she ripped off a piece of toilet paper and dabbed at her eyes. Her phone beeped again.

"What?" Lu yelled out. Could she not have three minutes of quiet? It was Valerio again: "I need to talk to you. Call you later?"

What the hell? Before Lu had time to think about what he could possibly want, the door of the bathroom opened. Lu quickly wiped her cheeks one last time, then turned on the faucet like she hadn't already washed her hands. The minister's secretary appeared in the mirror behind her. How was this small, timid woman still standing with everything that was going on? Lu had never taken her seriously - the sensible shoes alone were a disaster - but now she grudgingly had to admit she was impressed.

"Uhm, are you almost done? Sofia's asking for you."

So three minutes of a bathroom break was too long. Well, maybe it had been five.

Lu gave her a brief nod. "I'll be right there." Back into the fire. She slipped her phone into the pocket of her suit jacket and had already forgotten about Val's message as she was walking out of the bathroom.

***

When Lu finally got home that night, it was almost 9:30 and all she wanted to do was get really drunk really fast while watching Friends, then stagger into bed sometime before midnight so she'd at least get six hours of sleep before she had to get up and go to work again.

She had just gotten the bottle of Mezcal she had brought back from her last trip to Mexico off the top shelf when her phone rang. Lu froze. She so desperately wanted to just sink down on her couch, the thought of having to rush back to the office made her want to scream. They had decided Sofia would not do any of the late night news shows tonight. What else could it be?

For a brief moment, she considered just letting it ring. It was like playing hide and seek with Val when she was little - if she squeezed her eyes shut tight enough, the ringing would go away. She would not be found. Then she realized that it would be her job that would go away if she didn't answer really fucking fast. Lu set down the bottle, sprinted into the hall where she had left her purse and dug her phone out.

"What is it?" she asked, slightly out of breath.

"Good evening to you, too, gorgeous."

Lu was so relieved, she plopped down on the floor next to her bag and shoes. "Val, hi. Sorry, I thought I might have to go back into the office."

"It's almost 10 pm!" he sounded appalled. "The way you sound, you should be on the couch with a good glass of wine."

 _Close._ "I was just about to open the Mezcal," Lu said. She yawned, letting her head fall back against the wall. "But honestly, I might just go to bed. It's been hell again today."

Val didn't answer right away. For a minute, all Lu could hear was his breathing. She automatically synched hers, so she was breathing in and out with him. Force of habit. She realized she must have dozed off when she heard him call her name.

"Yeah, sorry, still here," she mumbled. 

"Lu…" There was something in Val's voice that she couldn't identify. Or maybe she was just too tired.

"Go to bed. The Mezcal will still be there tomorrow."

Lu pushed herself off the ground. As she was dragging herself to her bedroom, she suddenly remembered his message from earlier. "Wait. Didn't you want to talk about some-" Lu yawned again. She could hear Val chuckle.

"I prefer my conversation partners fully conscious and alert," he said. "Seriously, get some sleep, ok? We can talk later." 

***

For the next week, Lu pretty much lived at the ministry. She went home each night between 9 and 11pm, tried to eat some sort of dinner before she collapsed on the couch, or, if things went better, in bed and was back at work at 7 the next morning. She was able to carve out 15 more minutes of sleep in the morning by dropping her usual Starbucks run (grande cappuccino, none of the sugary pastries - Lu didn't believe in breakfast) - as the one acknowledgement of the fact that her staff had suddenly been thrown into a mad frenzy, Sofia sent her secretary out for coffee each morning.

On Friday night Lu found herself in the office bathroom with no recollection of having walked there. There was a blinding pain right behind her eyes and she was taking deep breaths but couldn't feel the oxygen actually make its way into her lungs. _Not now, not now, not now._

Lu tried to walk the two steps from one of the stall's walls to the other, but her legs were shaking so badly she had to sit down on the toilet lid. _This isn't real. Nothing is wrong. You've been asking for it, with the lack of sleep, no real food._ She managed to get her breathing somewhat under control and went from feeling helpless to feeling angry. _Why have you not taken better care of yourself?_ The voice in her head sounded an awful lot like Nadia.

Lu had had a panic attack at work once before. But back then, her boss's job hadn't been at risk. She had feigned a migraine and gone home. Right now, they were in the middle of prepping the minister for her Meet the Press appearance on Sunday. She'd have to stick it out at least another hour.

By the time she was in the Uber home, sunglasses on despite the late hour and headphones in, Lu was feeling physically ill. Twice she was about to tell the driver to pull over so she could throw up the nonexistent contents of her stomach. But she managed to make it home without hurling by the side of the road. _It's the little things._

She was lying on the bathroom floor when her phone rang. Lu reached for her bag that she had dropped under the sink when she came running in earlier.

Seeing Val's caller ID made her smile for the first time in days. "Thank God it's you."

"Wow, thank you." Val let out a short laugh. "8pm and home already? I wasn't sure I was gonna catch you."

Lu snorted. "Don't ask. I escaped the circus the second we finished prepping Sofia for Meet the Press. Not sure I even waited for her to finish her last answer. Today was…" Lu paused. "Doesn't matter. It's over. Why don't you distract me?"

Sitting up without triggering her headache or feeling nauseous was quite a feat, but Lu managed and leaned back against her tub. Maybe she could still salvage this mess of a day after all.

"I'm actually glad you're there," Val said.

"Mmmh, me too." Lu set her phone down, put it on speaker, unbuttoned her shirt and reached behind her back to take off her bra. Valerio was saying words that were blending together. She had lost the ability to concentrate on anything - except on really not wanting to throw up in public - about an hour ago.

Lu interrupted the steady stream of Val's voice. "Val, stop. Just tell me…," she was pinching her own nipples and moaned, "where you're putting your lips. And what you're doing with them."

There was a beat of silence and Lu whined impatiently.

When Val spoke, his voice didn't sound anything like she expected. "What the fuck? I'm trying to talk to you. Can you stop trying to get off?"

"Val, please," Lu begged. She was aware she sounded desperate, but she didn't care.

"This is important," he said. "I've been trying to have this conversation-"

Lu was ready to cry with frustration. "I really, really can't talk right now, not after today," she said. "I don't want to have a conversation. I just want you."

"It's not always about what _you_ want, Lu!" Val's yell caught Lu by surprise so much she actually jumped. "Not everything is always about you! No matter how badly you want it to, the world does not revolve around you. You expect me to jump every time you call, but when I have something important to say, you just wanna hand-fuck yourself to the sound of my voice? That's bullshit, Lu, and you know it."

"Fuck you!" Lu was yelling, too. "Do you know what my life has been like for the last two weeks? Do you watch the news at all? I've been getting maybe five hours of sleep a night because we're busy trying to figure out how the fuck the ministry 'misplaced' a couple hundred million Euros that we could've put to good use to set up Welcome Facilities that aren't so horrible that people literally kill themselves. I have refugee rights activists yelling under my window all day like I disagree with them, we're trying to fend off reporters on one side and a bunch of assholes who want their 'esteemed colleague' to resign as minister on the other, and we're trying to figure out who the hell took the damn money, who knew about it and what they did with it. So forgive me if I don't want to listen to you blabber on about your stupid girlfriend or your dumb job!"

"I know that it's hard right now," Val said after a second, restraint obvious in his voice. "But the fact that you want everyone to be on the Lu Montesinos show is nothing new. It's fucking exhausting."

Lu was at a loss for words. Finally, after silently staring at her phone for what felt like an eternity, she got out a "Glad to know you feel that way."

Valerio sighed. "You know what, if you don't want to talk, that's fine. I don't want to anymore, either. Have a good night, Lu." He hung up.

Lu sat frozen in her spot on the floor. _What the hell just happened?_

***

Carla could tell there was something off with Lu. She had been mean to Samuel from the second she had walked into his apartment, she had held onto her a split-second too long when they hugged hello and now she had just downed her third shot of the Mezcal she had brought.

"Uhm, why don’t we order the pizza?" Samuel said, his eyes moving from the rapidly emptying bottle to his girlfriend. "Carla, the Capriciosa, no mushrooms?"

Carla grinned like an idiot. Little things like Samu remembering her pizza order would never not make her happy. "Yeah," she said. "Lu, do you know what you want?"

"They have this new seasonal pizza that's really great," Samuel threw in.

"I don't need you tell me about house specials, camarero, thanks," Lu said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

If she hadn't just insulted her boyfriend, Carla would have been impressed with the casual viciousness.

"Lu, seriously-"

"I just meant I don't want anything." She gave Samu a wide, fake smile and put her hand on his leg. "Thank you, darling."

Carla didn't like this version of Lu. But she also knew the amount of stress her friend had been under at work recently. Even more reason for good Italian food.

"Are you sure?" Carla asked. "It's Mama Lucia's, you love that place. Not even the garlic knots or something?"

"Oh my God, Carla, I said I don't want anything!" Lu was shouting and Samu scooted away from her on the couch. "I don't want a fucking pizza, I don't want garlic knots, I am just not hungry, ok?"

"Ok." Carla held her hands up and threw Samuel a look. He understood, slowly got up and disappeared down the hall.

She walked around the coffee table and sat down next to Lu. Her friend was bouncing her knee and Carla put a hand on her leg to stop her. "Girl. What the fuck?"

Lu hid her face in her hands. Carla could hear a muffled "I'm sorry," then Lu let her hands drop into her lap.

Carla was shocked to see tears in her eyes. Lu hated any public display of what she considered weakness. _Things must be bad._ Carla's heart hurt at the sight in front of her.

She hesitated before she said anything because she knew if she wasn't careful, Lu would snap right back into her persona.

"I know you're not just like this because of work," Carla said cautiously. "Do you want to tell me what's going on?" Lu wouldn't look at her. "At least tell me… I mean, work sucks right now, I know that, but… are you ok?"

Lu finally looked at her. She bit her lips, then shook her head, blinking rapidly. Carla pulled her into a hug and when Lu held on to her for dear life instead of pushing her away, she knew why. Lu didn't want Carla to see her cry.

When Lu pulled back after a few minutes and quickly wiped her eyes, Carla pretended she didn't see it. She schooled her features into what she hoped was an open invitation to talk, nothing more. Ignoring that your best friend had just been crying on your shoulder was kind of twisted, even in Carla's book. But she was afraid that if she let a wink of compassion show, Lu might mistake it for pity, and then she'd never come to her about anything real again. 

"I haven't slept more than five hours a night in like ten days," Lu said and rolled her eyes. Carla waited. "And… Val and I had a fight last night."

Carla's lips formed an "Oh." Things were beginning to make sense. "What did he do?"

"No no, nothing!" Lu took a breath and shook her head. Carla could tell that she was done sharing. "On second thought, he was being a dick. Can you fire him for me?"

 _Lu, what happened? What did he say to you? Please talk to me. I want to help, but you need to let me._ There were so many things Carla wanted to say.

Instead she laughed because she knew that's what Lu wanted and promised to kick Valerio's ass to the curb on Monday. Lu reached for the remote. "Great. Now how do you feel about some Friends?"

When the doorbell rang half an hour later, Lu jumped to her feet and grabbed her bag. "I'll let you eat dinner and head home," she said. "I'm not great company tonight."

Carla protested. She didn't want Lu to be alone. But her friend was already putting on her shoes. Lu kissed her cheek and stopped to side-hug Samuel who was holding their pizza boxes. "Sorry I called you waiter," she said. A quick wave and she was out the door.

Samu set the pizzas down on the table and looked at Carla. "What the hell was that?"

"I'm not sure," Carla said. "But I'm really worried. The fight with Nadia, the nightmare that the ministry must be these days, and now she apparently got into it with Valerio, too?" She sighed. "I wish she'd let me… I don't know. Let me in more. I mean, tonight was already a miracle. But I know she's feeling like shit and now she's going home by herself and… ugh. She is driving me crazy."

"You're not going to change Lu overnight." Samuel kissed her. "But you were there for her and you listened. You did what you could."

Carla gave him a half-hearted smile. "Thank you."

Samu opened the pizza boxes with a flourish. " Hey, at least we have pizza?"

Carla had to laugh. "True. And what wine would you recommend with that?"

"Hey." Samuel grinned. "I'm not here to read you the house specials. Go pick your own wine." 

***

Valerio was working in his father's office, and whenever he got done with one stack of papers, a man with no face dropped two more on his desk. Then he heard a phone ring, but he had promised his dad that he wouldn't talk to anyone while he worked there. It kept ringing though. Then Leo was slapping his arm.

"Val. Val!"

Why was Leo at his father's office? Come to think of it, why was he? Val blinked and could make out his girlfriend's silhouette in the dark bedroom as she was leaning over him to grab his phone off his nightstand. His brain was still lagging a few seconds behind. So the office was a dream? Right. He blinked again as Leo answered his phone.

"Lu? What's wrong? No, this is Leo. What? Slow down, I can't- fuck." Leo turned on the small light next to the bed and hit Valerio's arm. She needn't have bothered. He was wide awake. His heart was beating a mile a minute, but it felt like things were happening in slow motion. He had time to notice a breeze from the open window, the fact that Leo's hair still smelled like the BBQ restaurant where they had gotten dinner, and the time on his phone as he was ripping it out of Leo's hand: 4:37 am.

"Lu, I'm here. I'm here. Talk to me." Val was grabbing the phone so hard he could feel the edges dig into his hand. "Come on, Lu, please."

He could hear her crying hysterically. Then she said something, but he couldn't understand her through the sobs and the gasping breaths she was taking. It didn't matter. He had a good idea of what she was trying to get out.

"It's not real. It's not real, I promise. You need to breathe. Deep breaths, can you do that for me?" Val tried to mimic the breathing of someone who was calm and relaxed, even though at this point, he felt like he had been running as fast as he could for hours. Leo sitting next to him with wide eyes and a vice grip on his right hand, the one that wasn't holding the phone, didn't help.

"Lu, can you hear me? I'm with you, it's going to be ok." But Valerio realized it wasn't working. The gaps between Lu's sobs were getting shorter, and he could hear her wail "I'm sorry" over and over. For a second he considered telling Leo to get her phone to try and FaceTime her, but he doubted she'd pick up. _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._

He jumped out of bed pulling on pants as fast as he could with one hand while still clutching his phone with the other. He resorted to just saying her name again and again, begging, pleading her to acknowledge him. It was useless. Valerio knew with cold certainty that Lu wasn't aware anymore that he was on the phone with her. The clatter he heard as he was pulling a shirt over his head confirmed that. She had dropped her phone, but he could still hear her. She sounded like a wounded animal.

How had it gotten this bad? Normally - fuck, he hated that there was a 'normally' - Lu would call him before she reached a nonverbal state, right after she woke up from a nightmare, or when she was having a panic attack. He could talk to her, they got through it together. Why had she not called him earlier? And then it him. She hadn't wanted to talk to him after their fight the night before. After what he had said to her.

It was like someone had drop-kicked him in the stomach. Valerio had to stop his mad dash to get dressed and grabbed onto the dresser at the foot of the bed. She had to have tried to get through it alone and only called him when the rational part of her had already been pushed to the back of her brain by panic and pain and fear. Valerio thought he was going to be sick right there on the bedroom carpet.

Suddenly Leo was next to him. "You're upset, you shouldn't drive. I'll take you."

He shook off his nausea and took a step back from Leo. "No," he told her. "I got this, I'm going alone." If he knew one thing it was that arriving at Lu's with Leo in tow was a bad idea.

"Val, I really don't think-"

"I don't care! I'm going alone. I can take care of Lu myself and you have no right to tell me how to do it!" Valerio rushed out of the bedroom before he could hear Leo's reply.

He made it to Lu's place in record time. His hands were shaking so badly that he couldn't get her door to open with his key on the first try, and for a moment he had the absurd thought that maybe she had changed the locks on him. _Get a grip._ He finally managed to open the door and took off running down the hall.

When he got to Lu's bedroom, he didn't see her right away- she wasn't in bed. He didn't want to turn on the light - too bright - so he carefully walked around the bed. "Lu?" he called out. "It's Val, I'm here now." He knew where he would find her, but when he saw her curled up on the ground with her back to the nightstand and her head against the side of the bed frame, it still knocked the wind out of him.

Valerio had never seen someone drown, but it had to look something like this. Lu was taking rapid shallow breaths. He couldn't be sure in the darkness of the room, but he thought her lips were taking on a blue tinge. He took a careful step toward her and could feel something grind under his shoe. Glass. There were shards of glass on the hardwood floor in front of the nightstand. She had to have knocked her glass of water off the nightstand when she was pushing up against it.

He took a last step and knelt down next to her, quickly swiping the ground around her. No shards. At least something.

"Lu? I'm going to touch you now, ok?" No reaction. He gently grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her up into a seated position. He asked her to look at him, and when that got him nothing, he cupped her face and turned it toward him. Her lips were definitely somewhere between grey and blue and her eyes weren't focusing.

Valerio could feel fear rising at the back of his throat, but he couldn't lose it now. He picked Lu up, constantly talking at her in case somewhere deep down, some part of her could actually hear him. He managed to open the window while holding her, and when a cold breeze came in, he could feel her shiver in his arms. Reaction to an outside stimulus. Good. He shifted her so her head was on his chest right over his heart.

"Lu, I need you try and breathe, please. Do you hear my heart? Breathe with that, ok?" Valerio took deep breaths to slow down his heart rate so it would actually make sense for Lu to focus on it. He pushed her hair out of her face. Please, he thought, closing his eyes. Please. If she didn't start inhaling more oxygen, he'd have to take her to the hospital, and that was a traumatic experience he wanted to avoid.

When he looked down at her again, she had closed her eyes. The change in her breathing was almost imperceptible, but it was there.

"Ok. Ok. Great. You're doing so well, I'm so proud of you." Valerio looked up and tried hard not to cry. _Gotta keep your heart rate down._ He kissed her forehead and carried her over to the bed. With Lu still in his arms, he carefully sat down, toed off his shoes and scooted back.

He slowly wiggled his legs so he could pull the covers over himself and Lu, then leaned back against the headboard, making sure her head stayed on his chest. He kissed her head again and wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he dared. "Keep breathing," he whispered.

Valerio didn't know for how long they were lying in her bed like that. Minutes, hours, his whole life. But finally, as the sun was starting to rise outside, she came back to him. Lu squeezed his hand and when he looked down at her, she was looking straight back at him.

"Hi, Lulu." Valerio tried to smile but started tearing up. From exhaustion, but mostly from relief.

"Hey," Lu whispered. She looked wiped out. No wonder. Valerio could only imagine what his body would feel like after going through a night like this. He could tell that Lu still had to make a conscious effort to breathe calmly. She slipped of his chest and moved around until her back was pressed into his side. He slung his arm over her and let her grab his hand. When Lu started talking, it was so softly that he couldn't hear her at first. She started again.

"It was worse because…" Lu was louder now, but barely. Valerio still had to lean in to hear her words. "It was worse because I was so scared Polo was right."

Valerio tried to interrupt her, but she kept on talking.

"I lost mom and dad and Nadia and Guzman, I was awful to Samuel… I didn't mean it and I apologized, but if I keep doing it, Carla's going to pull away and I just… believed what he was saying. I believed that I had lost you too. It was all so clear to me. I'm going to be alone and, and it's my own fault because I-"

"No!" Valerio could feel Lu's pain in his bones and it made despair rise like bile in his throat. "Lu, look at me. That is not true. You're going to fix things with Nadia, Carla loves you - _I_ love you. I am sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it. I love you, and you are not alone. Polo didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, ok? You will never lose me. I promise. No matter what happens, nothing could ever make me let go."

He couldn't tell whether he was getting through to her. "No matter what happens. Do you understand?" Lu nodded. There were fresh tears on her cheeks. "Lu, I need you to say it."

"I understand."

 _Ok. Ok._ He looked into her eyes for a moment. Then he pulled her up and crushed his lips on hers. Lu's eyes fluttered shut and her body relaxed, and for the first time since he had woken up to her sobs on the phone, Valerio felt like he could breathe again. He ignored the little voice in the back of his head that whispered "You still haven't told her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be traveling for work into October, so updates will take a while (yes, just like this one - sorry, it's been crazy).


	7. Chapter 7

_Two-and-a-half months earlier cont'd_

Lu felt like she was underwater, breathing oxygen through an ill-fitting mouth-piece. She could do it, but it was exhausting. Keeping her eyes closed and her mind blank helped, so that's what she did, even when she felt Val move underneath her. He was murmuring something, but trying to hear what he said would have taken her focus off of breathing, so she just made a non-committal sound and hoped that was enough. Suddenly Val's mouth was by her ear.

"Is it ok if I turn on some music?"

Lu nodded - and then smiled when she heard the first notes of Taylor Swift's "Last Great American Dynasty." She pressed closer to Val's side.

"That song always makes me think of you," she whispered. "Even after all these years."

Val laughed. "Whatever for?" he asked, and Lu didn't have to open her eyes to know he was grinning. "I would never dye a dog key lime green. That's a fucking ugly color."

_Lu couldn't look away. It was like staring at a gory car accident with victims' severed arms and legs lying everywhere. It was Guzman's 15 th birthday, their whole class was at his parents' house for the party SHE had helped him plan - and he was messily making out with Carina deSantos, that bitchy, skinny junior. _

_Carla was tugging at her arm but Lu couldn't make herself look away._

_"Lu, come on, let's get some air…"_

_Did Carla think she didn't see her boyfriend kiss another girl in front of all their friends? And Carina was clearly better at it than she was, too, because Guzman had never kissed HER like that - like Carina's lips were coated with sugar or ecstasy or something else that Guzman really, really wanted._

_Lu didn't hear the music playing, Carla's hand on her wrist was merely a vague sensation - but it was crystal clear to her that she had three choices: She could burst into tears. She could quietly excuse herself and go to the bathroom to make herself throw up the three glasses of wine and two handfuls of chips she had had. Or…_

_"Hey!" she yelled loud enough for Guzman to remove his face from Carina's. There was no guilt in his eyes, just annoyance at being interrupted._

_Carla had let go of her wrist and taken a step back, like she didn't want to be associated with what happened next. Lu marched over to the counter where the drinks were and grabbed the bottle of rum Guzman had been going on and on about when they were setting up earlier that day. She grabbed it by the neck and raised it high above her head._

_"Lu, no," she heard Carla say, but she thought there was a note of fascination in her friend's voice._

_Lu brought her arm down and smashed the bottle on the fancy hardwood floor, the brown liquor splashing everywhere, making some of the guests jump back with wide eyes._

_After a "Fuck you" to Guzman, Lu ran out of the room, to the front door, past a baffled Marina who was just entering with that loser she was dating and out into the night. Into the rainy night. Fuck._

_For a second, Lu considered going back inside for her jacket, but she nixed that idea quickly. Too humiliating. They must already be talking about her: Those Latinas, never able to control their temper. Now that no one could see her anymore, Lu let the tears come._

_She rubbed her arms as she walked away from Guzman's house, out the gate that he had left open for late party guests and down the street. It took her until she was a few steps past the wall that was encircling the Nunier Osuna property that she realized her keys were in the pocket of her coat that was lying on Guzman's bed. Fuck. Lu let out a sob. She had planned for this night for so long and now everything was going to shit. The rain was cold, Guzman was kissing a girl that wasn't her and there was no way she could sneak into her house, avoiding her father's disappointed glances, without a key. Unless…_

_Lu dug her phone out of her purse._

_It rang a couple of times before he responded. "Val?" There was loud music in the background and she could hear someone giggle hysterically. Lu squeezed her eyes shut. "Val?" she asked again._

_"Luluuu!" an enthusiastic shout came back through the phone. "What's up? How's the dumbass's birthday?"_

_Lu tried hard not to cry on the phone. "Uhm, can you come pick me up?"_

_"Lu?" Valerio's voice immediately sounded like it was coming from a completely different person. Apparently she hadn't done a very good job sounding normal. "Are you ok? What happened?"_

_"Nothing… nothing happened. I'm at Guzman's house, but I lost my keys and I really want to go home. Can you please just come and… and…" Lu pressed her hand to her mouth so her teeth would stop chattering in the stupid rain._

_"I'll be right there. I'm really close. 10 minutes, ok?"_

_Lu nodded and hung up. 12 minutes later, a car pulled up and Val opened the back door from the inside. She wasn't fully in the back seat next to him yet when he snapped at her._

_"What the fuck, Lu? You're soaked! Why didn't you wait inside? Why are you not wearing a coat? What the hell is going on?"_

_Lu couldn't help it - she burst into tears again. Val opened his arms to hug her and she scooted over until she was basically in his lap. Once she had calmed down enough, she told Val what had happened._

_"And that bottle… it was rum that Guzman's dad had brought back from a business trip to Cuba!" she said. "It cost 300 Euros! He was so excited to have some with me, Carla and Polo. And then he was going to put it back, but he forgot. When his parents find out I smashed it, they will never let me come over to their house again! Why am I like this, Val? I ruin everything!"_

_"Shhh, you didn't ruin anything, this was 100 percent on him." Val hugged her and kissed her forehead. "300 Euros, he told you that?" Lu nodded against his chest. "Then he's a pretentious prick. On top of being a dumbass and jerk. Should we turn around so I can punch him in his dumb face?"_

_Lu laughed, shook her head and pulled her feet up on the seat so she could lie down with her head in Val's lap._

_She spent the next morning moping on the couch, cuddling with Reina, their blonde standard poodle. Val was scrolling through his phone in the recliner next to her, and their dad was at some sort of embassy function. Thank God. Lu didn't think she could be the perfect daughter today._

_Eventually, she could feel Val's eyes on her. "Ok, this is ridiculous. It's Saturday, dad is gone, we should be having fun." He jumped up and grinned. "Be right back."_

_Reina lifted her head off her paws expectantly. Lu scratched the dog's ears. "Don't worry, he's just being crazy as usual," she said. A few seconds later, Val proved her right._

_"Look what I got!" he exclaimed, holding a bottle of pink hair dye out to her._

_Lu stared. Sometimes she was honestly skeptical about whether she and Valerio were truly related. She couldn't possibly share DNA with this madman standing in front of her, grin spread over his entire face._

_"If you think I'm going to dye my hair pink just because Guzman is a dick, you are crazy," she informed Val. "You know that red is part of my uniform. Pink doesn't go with red."_

_A very, very small part of her regretted that she couldn't go for it. But he didn't need to know that._

_Val let out a laugh. "Oh Lu, you don't know how much I would enjoy that particular make-over. But this is for Reina."_

_A giggle escaped her. "You can't be serious."_

_The grin didn't leave Valerio's face. He was serious._

_Reina began wagging her tail, as if she could tell they were talking about her._

_Fuck it. "Does it wash out?" Lu asked._

_Valerio shrugged. "I think so? I made sure it's non-toxic. Come on, let's do it!"_

_Lu jumped off the couch, laughing like a middle schooler. She didn't feel embarrassed about it, either, because she knew Val would never make fun of her for it. "Let's do it!"_

_45 minutes later and halfway through a 90s playlist, she and Val were staring at a very, very pink poodle. Reina had been a good girl during the dying process - she always was with Lu. Now Reina slowly wagged her tail as if to say "So? What do you think?"_

_After a second of shock, Valerio whooped. "This," he declared, "is awesome. Reina is the most gorgeous dog ever! Yes, she is!" He hugged the poodle, who started barking loudly._

_Lu couldn't help but laugh. The combination of the pink dog, Valerio with wet hair sticking to one side of his face and the Spice Girls singing "Stop right now, thank you very much" was too much._

_"Yes, she is," she cooed, snapping a picture of the sight in front of her with her phone before throwing one arm around Reina and one around Valerio. She couldn't stop giggling. Best. Saturday. Ever._

_"Glad to see you laugh," Val said casually, nuzzling the top of Reina's Barbie-colored head. The dog promptly licked his face. Lu smiled and rolled her eyes. Before she could reply, they heard the front door open. Lu's heart stopped. She hadn't thought about their dad since Val had pulled out the dye from behind his back this morning, and now she felt her throat go dry with fear._

_"Lucrecia? Valerio? Where are you?"_

_Lu looked at Val, wide-eyed. "Oh my God. Val, what if-"_

_Val squeezed her hand. "Don't worry. I'm sure he'll laugh about it."_

_Their dad did not laugh when he saw his kids come down the stairs with a pink dog._

_"What the HELL is this?" the ambassador shouted. Reina stopped wagging her tail and hung her head._

_He grabbed Valerio by the arm. "You might think this is funny," he hissed angrily. "But the Central American ambassadors will be here tonight. Yolanda is out shopping for dinner right now. I told them how we bought Reina from the best breeder in France. How am I supposed to explain this? 'Sorry, my teenage son acted without thinking, again'?"_

_Lu looked from their dad to Valerio, who wasn't saying anything despite the fact that the older man was grabbing his arm hard enough to leave marks. It had to hurt. Lu stepped forward, touching their father's shoulder._

_"It wasn't him, daddy," she said. "Marina told me she had done it with her dog and I told her I'd do it too, so we could do an Instagram shoot with Reina and Virginia. Please don't be mad, I'm sorry. I'm sure it washes out. Val and I can try right now."_

_Their dad blinked. He let go of Valerio's arm to smooth down Lu's hair. "Oh princess," he sighed. "You couldn't have picked another day? Tell Marina you'll have to do that some other time. I can't have Reina looking like this with the other ambassadors here tonight. You understand. Now please, go wash out that dreadful dye."_

_Lu saw Valerio swallow and bite his lips. She forced herself to smile and let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding. "Of course, daddy."_

***

At around 1pm, Valerio asked Lu whether she wanted lunch. She shook her head. He tried not to worry about it, or about the fact that she hadn't said more than five sentences since her explanation of what had happened. It always took her a while to recover after a panic attack and this had been one of her worst ones yet. It only made sense it would take longer. He adjusted himself on the pillows, pressed another kiss on her lips and hugged her tight.

When Lu still refused to eat anything at 4pm, Valerio sat up on the bed.

"Lu, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon and you haven't eaten all day," he said. "Did you have dinner last night?"

"I was at Carla's."

He knew what she was doing. "That's not what I asked."

When Lu wouldn't look at him and hugged the blankets closer to her, Valerio sighed.

"I'm not trying to be an ass," he said. "Your body needs some sort of sustenance to recover. Here," he grabbed his phone, "I'm going to order us anything you want. What are you in the mood for?"

Lu said she wasn't hungry, but Valerio got distracted when he saw he had two missed calls from a number he didn't recognize. He told Lu he had to make a call and didn't miss the relief that played over her face. "We're still getting dinner after, so think about what you want," he told her, as she rolled her eyes.

A woman's voice he didn't recognize answered the phone. There was a bit of confused back-and-forth - her name, Raquel, didn't mean anything to him - but then he told her that his was Valerio Montesinos.

"You are Lucrecia's brother!" the woman exclaimed. "Where on Earth was she? We had agreed to meet with Sofia at the studio at 11 so we'd have an hour before Meet the Press, but Lucrecia never showed. She didn't answer any of my calls or texts either, so I eventually looked up her emergency contact - you."

For a second Valerio felt warmth spread through his body - he was Lu's emergency contact at work. But it was quickly followed by guilt. He was Leo's emergency contact, too, and she was his. It made sense, they had talked about it briefly after-

"Hello, are you still there?" Raquel, right.

"Yes!" Valerio said loudly. The woman went on about how pissed Sofia was, how Lucrecia couldn't not answer her phone during this difficult time, let alone not show up for work.

Valerio got up off the bed, threw Lu what he hoped was an apologetic glance and walked into the hallway. He closed the door to the bedroom before he continued with the call. He was pretty sure Lu wouldn't take it well when she realized she had missed what sounded like an important appointment and he wanted to break it to her gently. No reason for her to hear this.

"Sorry I didn't call you back earlier, Raquel," he said in his smoothest business voice. "I was just so busy taking care of my sister. Lu and I met for dinner at this new restaurant downtown last night and she got horrible food poisoning. She was up all night and she's still spending most of her time in the bathroom, if you know what I mean."

"Oh." He could hear Raquel tell someone else that Lucrecia had food poisoning and heard another woman's voice saying "And she couldn't even reply to a text?" Then Raquel was back on the phone, saying that Sofia wasn't happy, but that she wished Lucrecia all the best.

Sure she does, Valerio thought to himself. Out loud, he told Raquel that Lu wouldn't be coming in tomorrow either before he hung up. Then he took a deep breath and went back into the bedroom.

Lu had dozed off, so he walked around the bed and picked her phone up from the floor. The lockscreen was filled with notifications for missed calls and texts (17 from Raquel, that woman was nothing if not persistent). Just as he was about to wake her up, his own phone rang again. Leo.

Valerio dragged a hand over his face. _Shit_. He left the bedroom again and picked up.

"How is Lu? Is she alright? How are you? Are you still at her place? I can come over if you need me. But if she isn't better you need to take her-"

"Leo. We're ok. She's doing much better." He hoped he sounded somewhat believable and spent the next five minutes trying to talk down his girlfriend. But it became clear Leo was serious about coming to Lu's. Finally Valerio promised to be home within the hour.

He leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. There was no way he would leave Lu by herself - just as there was no way he'd let Leo see her like this. If he had to leave, he wanted to make sure Lu was with someone she trusted.

Valerio automatically pulled up Nadia's name in his contacts, before he remembered that wasn't an option. He pinched the bridge of his nose. _Think. Think._ Lu had said she'd told Carla about having nightmares. He wasn't sure whether Carla knew about the extent of them, or about the panic attacks, but it wasn't like he had a huge pool of candidates to choose from.

*** 

Sometimes Carla still couldn't believe this was her life. She was curled up on a lumpy couch watching some Star Wars movie (she'd never tell Samuel, but she had forgotten the title three minutes after the movie started) and eating microwave popcorn. And she wouldn't change a thing. She didn't want to be at the gym toning her body for the next gala, she didn't want to be hosting a tea for other young women of Madrid's high society and she didn't want to get a private tour of some pretentious gallery where she'd have to listen to the owner drone on and on about his "artworks."

Not that she was particularly into spaceships and droids. But she loved watching Samuel watch the movie. It gave her an idea of what he must have looked like as a little boy - that unbridled enthusiasm was what made her happy.

Samuel had to have felt her eyes on him, because he turned towards her and beamed. "I am so glad we are finally watching this together. You have been missing out."

He leaned over and kissed her. What was intended as a quick peck turned into more when Carla threaded her fingers into his hair and held him in place. They were interrupted by an all too familiar ring.

Carla sighed dramatically and grabbed her phone. "It's Valerio," she told Samu.

Her boyfriend sat up and paused the movie. "It's Sunday!" he said. "What could he possibly need to discuss that can't wait until tomorrow? Keep it short, the best part is coming up."

Carla grinned and mouthed "Promise" before picking up.

"Valerio, what is it?" Carla was a little colder than usual, but she was still thinking of how upset Lu had seemed the night before. She didn't know what they had argued about and she knew logically that it probably hadn't been just Valerio's fault. That didn't stop her from being mad at the guy who had made her best friend cry. She would return to being professional tomorrow, but for now, she allowed herself to be a little snippy. "If this is about the Merlot for the tasting on Thursday, I _told_ you we'd discuss that on Monday."

"It's about Lu. I'm at her place, how fast can you get here?"

Carla felt her insides go cold. "Why? What's wrong? Is she ok?" She grabbed Samuel's hand. Normally his warm hands were always reassuring to her, but right now they did nothing to calm the fear that was rising in her throat.

"She's… she had a panic attack earlier and I've been with her all day but I need to go home and I don't want her to be alone. It was pretty bad. Can you come? Now? And she hasn't eaten all day, so can you pick up some cookies from that bakery you guys like so much? I'm hoping she'll at least have those."

"I… Of course, I…" Carla was reeling. She had gotten off the couch but not actually moved after that. Her heart was beating hard in her chest. "So… what happened? I still don't-"

"Listen, Carla, I know Lu told you about the nightmares she has, and we can talk about that and how they trigger her panic attacks later, but right now I really need you to go to that fucking bakery and then come here. Can you do that?"

Carla snapped out of the trance she was in. "Yes," she said while grabbing her purse. "Yes. I'll stop by Sueño and then I'll be there in 20, 25 minutes. Bye."

Samuel was by her side as soon as she had hung up. "What did he say?"

Her hands were shaking so badly she couldn't manage to close the clasp on her right shoe. "It's Lu, I have to go." She looked at Samu with tears in her eyes. "We shouldn't have let her go home like that last night, I knew that something was wrong, I knew it but I…" She squeezed her eyes shut for a second.

When she opened them again, Samu had closed the clasp on her shoe and shrugged on his jacket. "Come on, I'll drive you. And don't jump to conclusions, just see how she is when you get there."

Exactly 25 minutes later, Samuel dropped her off at Lu's. She texted Valerio that she was there and he buzzed her in, then waited for her at the apartment door.

"Thank you, Carla." He gave her a hug. They didn't usually hug. "I would've stayed but Leo was getting worried and I don't want her to… I just really need to get home."

Carla nodded. Her mind had switched to the business track to cope. Thinking of a personal crisis like a problem to solve had helped her not break down more than once. "How can I help?"

Valerio lowered his voice. "She has to eat," he told Carla. "Other than that she's just exhausted. She dozed off a little while ago, but then I wasn't in the room when she woke up and she thought I'd just left, which… Whatever rest she got has gone to shit." Valerio shook his head. He, too, looked exhausted, Carla thought. "When you notice that her breathing is becoming erratic, tell her to close her eyes and count to ten. You might have to breathe with her so she can mimic you. Long, deep breaths. And touch, any sort of physical contact anchors her. If you could do that, remind her that she's not alone…"

"Of course." She grabbed his hand. "Go home. I can stay until tomorrow morning."

After Valerio had pulled the apartment door shut, it was completely quiet. Carla slowly took off her shoes. She knew she was stalling, but only because she was still trying to catch up. Valerio had sounded almost desperate when he called her. He was trying not to show it, but Carla was a pro at suppressing emotion - you'd have to be an Oscar-worthy actor to fool her. But he also had a list ready of things that might help Lu. So… this wasn't the first time this had happened?

Focus, Carla told herself. Another thing she was great at was compartmentalizing. Take care of Lu now. Find out what the hell was going on later. She knocked on the bedroom door. "Hey," she called out softly. "It's me."

When she stepped into the room, she could only see Lu's back. She hesitated for a second before walking to the bed. Lu still didn't move from where she was curled up in a half-seated, half lying down position.

"Valerio called me," Carla tried again. "I brought cookies from Sueño, they were out of the espresso ones, but-"

Lu finally turned to look at her and Carla had to bite her tongue. Lu's face was puffy from what looked like hours of crying, her lips were chapped, but what got to Carla was the look in Lu's eyes. It was one she had only seen once and had hoped to never see again.

Lu only looked at her briefly, then her eyes returned to her hands that were smoothing wrinkles out of the blanket. "I'm fine, you don't need to be here. Sorry Val called you, he just felt guilty because he had to leave. But honestly, I'm much better, you can-"

"No." Carla set her bag down with a thud. She had a sudden sense of clarity so strong that she might have referred to it as an epiphany if she didn't find that word - or the very concept - ridiculous. Lu would still insist she was fine if she was on a sinking ship with no life boats and no land in sight. For the past 11 years of their friendship, Lu had pasted on a smile and refused to share emotions that were too deep to discuss over cocktails, or problems bigger than how to get back at Guzman or how to get into the grad program of her choice.

And Carla had let her. Hell, she had let Lu do it just last night, had once again gone along with what her friend wanted instead of going with her instincts. But doing what Lu wanted clearly wasn't in her best interest. _Enough_. Carla briefly closed her eyes. She couldn't believe it had taken her this long to figure out, but now that she had, she was determined to do better. 

She sat down on the mattress and gently pried Lu's hand away from the blanket, intertwining their fingers. "Lu, you're not fine. You don't have to pretend with me. If I ever made you feel like you did, I'm sorry. I love you. And I'm not going to look away anymore."

Lu tried to pull her hand away but Carla didn't let her. "No. I should have said this sooner. I thought I was being a good friend, but I wasn't. You don't have to tell me what's going on right now, but we will talk about it because you're my best friend and I want to be there for you. Ok?"

Lu's face crumbled. Carla held her as she cried, only this time, she wouldn't pretend nothing had happened before Lu's tears had even dried.

"I am so sorry," Lu said when she pulled away. Carla blinked. That was not what she had expected.

"You don't need to apologize, it's-"

"No, you have to let me say this, please."

Carla nodded.

"I am sorry for all the times I was awful to you in high school. And I'm sorry for how I have treated Samuel, like last night. I don't mean to be this condescending bitch and I'm not, not anymore. But when things are bad, I just… I get bitter and angry and I say things I don't mean. I can see how happy he makes you and you deserve all that happiness! Please… please don't think I look down on Samuel or on what you two have, I would never… I could never-" 

Lu was getting frantic. Carla leaned forward to try to look her in the eye. "Hey, I know that. Samu knows that too."

Her friend was nodding and tried to smile, but her hands were shaking and her chest was rising and falling quickly. "Thank you for the apology, but I promise you didn't have to." When that wasn't working to calm her down, Carla thought back to what Valerio had told her. She grabbed Lu's other hand. "It's ok, really. Shhh, close your eyes, deep breaths, count to ten."

When Lu had calmed down, Carla pulled out the cookies. It took a significant amount of coaxing, but eventually, she took a bite of the dark chocolate chip sea salt cookie and moaned in satisfaction. Carla grinned.

"Do you remember the first time we went to Sueño?" she asked.

Lu almost choked on her cookie. "Are you kidding? Oh my God, Marina was such a bitch to her grandmother." She laughed. "I was just happy that you wanted to be friends with me and brought me to this 'girls tea' and she so clearly didn't want to be there."

"I'm sure her grandmother must have known it was a lost cause getting her excited about this traditional stuff - she didn't even blink when Marina loudly complained about the ‘patriarchal bullshit’ of sending girls off to tea parties."

"Well, I loved it," Lu said. "And then Marina loved it, too. She shut up as soon as she took the first bite of her cookie. This one, right?"

Carla nodded. Every now and then, a memory of Marina would still float up from the back of her mind that was so vivid, she could practically feel the girl next to her - like now. Marina still looking like a lady with her perfect posture, despite trying so hard not to in her ripped jeans and off-the-shoulder sweatshirt. Rolling her eyes but still smiling at her grandmother across the table after the girls had finished their cookies. It only happened very rarely anymore, and Carla had come to appreciate the moments instead of let them upset her.

"Yeah, dark chocolate sea salt. Grandma Nunier knew what she was doing."

They talked about the monthly tea parties at Sueño, which the older woman had managed to hold on to through freshman year before Marina had become too busy with other things, for a little bit before Lu's eyes started falling shut in the middle of her sentences.

"We can go to sleep if you're tired," Carla said.

"No!" Lu practically yelled out. She turned on her side, facing away from Carla. "What if… I can't do this again. Not tonight."

Carla could hear her breathe in and out slowly a couple of times, then: "I'm scared."

She opened her mouth and closed it without saying anything. Finally she scooted closer to Lu until she could put her cheek on her shoulder and slung her arm over her friend's side.

"I can't promise you no nightmares," Carla whispered. "But one thing I can promise you: I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry - that took forever! I blame the work trip that didn't leave me much time to even think about writing for fun. Blink once if you're still reading 😉


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of gun violence.

_One-and-a-half months earlier_

Lu was staring at her computer but she didn't really see any of the words on screen. If someone put a gun to her head right now and asked her what day it was, she wasn't sure she could give the right answer. Friday? God, Lu really hoped it was Friday. The past month had been insane. When she had returned to the office after recovering from "food poisoning," Sofia had taken her aside and told her in no uncertain terms that at any other time, she would have fired her on the spot. But, as the older woman had admitted pinching the bridge of her nose, she needed all hands on deck.

"And you," Sofia had looked Lu over, then reached out to straighten the lapels of her cherry-red Stella McCartney blazer, "are good at your job. Just don't do it again."

Lu had waited a full three seconds after Sofia had brushed past her before she breathed again. It had felt too easy in the moment - and of course it was. For the last four weeks, Lu hadn't just done her regular work, which at this point consisted of 75 percent damage control whenever more information about the embezzling scandal emerged, 20 percent trying to sell whatever small morsel of good news she could get her hands on as a monumental achievement of the interior ministry and its dedicated, hard-working leader, Sofia Rivera Ortiz - and five percent digging for information about what had happened with the money. After all, 265 million Euros didn't just disappear. But despite the mountains of files they had dug through and weeks of police investigation, they still had exactly nothing. 

On top of all that, Lu had unofficially been declared somewhat of a second secretary. The day after her return, Lu had dragged herself up the stairs of the historic building thanking God and Elizabeth Arden for her concealer - she wasn't 100 percent back to fighting form yet and one day in this mad house hadn't helped matters. When she had walked into the small room where Raquel did whatever it was she did for Sofia and didn't see the small cluster of white-and-green cups she had become accustomed to, Lu couldn't stop herself from groaning.

"Raquel, how come you didn't go to Starbucks today? Oh no, don't tell me she's cut the coffee!" Lu had slumped against the doorframe. "Those extra 15 minutes I get to spend in bed instead of in line are my favorite thing about mornings now. Whyyy?"

The small woman had pursed her lips, threw Lu an apologetic glance and kept on typing. As if she had waited for Lu's arrival (she probably had, Lu later thought), Sofia had chosen that moment to emerge from her office. In clipped words, she'd informed Lu that Raquel was really very busy and that she, Lu, would be in charge of coffee runs from now on. Lu's mouth was still hanging open when Sofia had disappeared in a cloud of perfume behind her office door again. Raquel had handed her a small paper without looking at her.

"Here's everyone's orders," she had said in a hushed voice. "And Sofia asked me to tell you to make sure the invitations for the Samaritan Awards are mailed by tomorrow."

Looking back, Lu had to admit she'd been slow on the uptake. "She wants me to stuff 500 envelops?" She had managed to keep her voice to a stage whisper. Barely. "Why is her daughter not coming in for that? Doesn't she usually do this sort of thing? This is a middle schooler's task and I really don't see-"

"Lu." Raquel had finally looked up at her with a mixture of pity and impatience. And Lu had understood. She'd cleared her throat, grabbed the paper from the secretary's hand and turned right back around to pick up the coffee.

That had been almost five weeks ago and so far there was no sign from Sofia that she was willing to end the punishment. Instead of sleeping 15 minutes longer, Lu now had to get up half an hour earlier to make absolutely certain she'd be in the office, coffee in hand, before Sofia's arrival, potentially long lines at Starbucks notwithstanding.

And she couldn't even complain about that, or the menial tasks she was handed multiple times a week, because she knew she had screwed up. Lu's memory of the night Val had found her cowering on the floor unable to breathe were fuzzy, and she was thankful for that. But she did remember how her stomach had bottomed out when he'd told her she'd missed Meet the Press.

Lu shook her head. No point in dwelling on that. Sooner or later she'd be back on top. It would probably help if she could pull open a drawer and find the missing 265 million. Lu let out a giggle. Clearly she was starting to get delirious. She got up and walked over to one of the large windows looking out over La Castellana.

"Do you mind if I let in some air?" she asked, looking over to where she could see Oliver's hunched shoulders behind his screen. He only grunted. Lu rolled her eyes. Not a single damn person, she was sure of it, could be more irritating than the over-confident, under-qualified jerk she had to share an office with. Literally the only good thing about him was the fact that she could regale Carla with tales about his baffling incompetence and non-existent social skills. Lu opened the window, took a deep breath of the cold air coming in and walked back to her desk.

She had barely sat down again and was going through Sofia's most recent email when the door to their office was thrown open by a uniformed security guard. "You need to come with me," be barked at them. "Now! Leave your things, let's go."

Before they could ask any questions, he was out of the room again, giving Raquel next door the same order. Lu stared at Oliver for a second, who looked just as confused as her, then she grabbed her phone and made her way out the door. In the hall they ran into Sofia, who was accompanied by three more guards. 

"What the hell is going on?" Lu asked Raquel. The short woman shrugged wide-eyed, but the guard who had burst into hers and Oliver's office, and who was now bringing up the group's rear as they were half-walking, half-running down the hall, took pity on them.

"There's been a threat," he told them. "We got a letter from some crazy saying he'd blow her head off," the guard nodded over at Sofia, "first chance he'd get. We were a little uncomfortable with your guys' window front, so we're putting you in the safe room until we've cleared the area."

Five minutes later they were sitting in a windowless room with the brightest neon lighting Lu had ever seen. She squeezed her eyes shut and let her head fall back against the wall. It was probably partly the adrenaline, but she didn't feel all that scared. Lu suspected that she was probably so tired that her brain couldn't fully grasp what was going on. She shivered and shielded her face with one hand. How was this real? Was she really sitting in a tiny, freezing room without windows, squeezed in between Oliver and a shaking Raquel, under lights bright enough to burn her eyeballs? On what she was pretty sure was a Friday night? _Fuck my life._

Suddenly Lu had one overwhelming desire. _Val_. She wanted his arms around her, wanted to bury her head in his curls, wanted to feel him inside of her. Val, whom she had barely seen over the last few weeks because of her crazy schedule. Not for lack of trying. After _that night_ , Val had texted her every day for more than a week, asking if she wanted to get lunch, if she wanted to come over after work to join him, Leo and some of their friends for a movie night, if she wanted to come taste the new wine Carla had ordered. Lu had said no to all of the offers, and she hadn't been lying when she'd said she was too swamped at work and too exhausted when she got home.

But she had also sensed that Val was still in caretaker mode and she had no interest in being treated like she was made of glass. Lu tried not to think about how he had seen her at her absolute lowest, and the sooner he could forget as well, the better. She had finally figured that she had to actually see Val to convince him she was fine, so she'd shown up for the dinner he suggested at her favorite tapas bar wearing a sheer blouse, tight black jeans and her highest heels. They had made it through almost an entire bottle of wine before he had all but dragged her into the bar's tiny bathroom and driven into her so hard that she couldn't hold back her screams. Lu smirked at the memory. After that, they had been back to normal. But the fact that she pretty much only went home to sleep remained, so she hadn't seen him more than a handful of times, always only for an hour or two - and the one time they actually had a whole night, she fell asleep 15 minutes into the indie flick Val had picked for them to watch, nestled into his side. 

Lu opened her eyes and squinted at her phone. Were you allowed to text when you were stuck in a safe room because someone wanted to shoot your boss? She wasn't sure about protocol, but when she saw Sofia typing away on her phone, she figured she was fine.

She managed to text "I need to see you" with cold fingers, then closed her eyes and willed Val to reply. Three minutes later her phone vibrated.

"Leo's in Barcelona for work, wanna come over? Now?"

Sure, Lu thought, as soon as I am out of this safe room, when they've made sure no one is actually outside aiming to blow anybody's head off, I'll come right over. She giggled again and could immediately feel three pairs of eyes on her. Right, totally inappropriate. If they had to stay in this room much longer, she would have a full-out laughing fit at the absurdity of the situation - or out of pure exhaustion.

Lu let Val know that she was still stuck at work - not a lie - and would text him when she was on her way. Then she let her glance wander over the people around her. Raquel was clearly terrified, shaking like branches in the wind next to her. Oliver, Lu was pretty sure, had fallen asleep. And Sofia… Lu couldn't read her. Her boss was staring straight ahead focusing on a point on the wall and intertwining her fingers. She looked deep in thought. Maybe that was a normal reaction for having your life threatened? Lu wouldn't know.

After what felt like ten years to Lu, but according to her phone was only an hour, one of the guards from Sofia's squad returned.

"They arrested a guy in the apartment complex across the street," he said. "No ID, wouldn't say his name, only that his brother killed himself in one of your Welcome Facilities."

Sofia's face had turned white and Lu felt the color drain from hers as well. "Wait…" She stared at the guard. "This was for real? There was actually someone pointing a gun at us, at her?"

"Yes, but he was so drugged up, I doubt he could've hit anything," the guard said in a reassuring voice. "And even if he had been able to aim, the windows on your floor are bulletproof."

Lu had the feeling the ground underneath her feet was shaking. She could hear her blood rushing in her ears and for a second, she was worried she would pass out in front of everyone. "I had just opened one before… before you guys came in," she managed to get out.

The guard took his hat off and raked a hand through his hair. The reassuring tone was gone as he mumbled what Lu was pretty sure was "fuck".

She looked at Oliver, who was staring at her accusingly, like she had purposefully endangered his life. His gaze was almost as unbearable as the lights in this torture chamber. Why were they so damn bright? Lu jumped to her feet abruptly. After confirming with the guard that they could leave, she turned to Sofia. "Do you need anything else?"

In the year-plus she had worked for her, Lu had seen her boss in pretty much all emotional states the human experience had to offer. But she had never encountered the look of hollow determination she saw on Sofia's face now. Paired with a smile, it was terrifying.

"No no, of course not," the minister said. "Go home, we all need some rest."

***

When she burst into Val's home half an hour later, rest was the farthest thing from Lu's mind. She all but ran into the kitchen after letting herself in. Valerio stood in front of the stove skeptically looking from the serving spoon in his hand to a pot on the back burner. When he heard her, he turned around, smacking his lips.

"Hey, so I think this recipe is lying about-"

Lu grabbed Val by the shirt, pulled him away from the stove and pushed him back against the counter. She crushed her lips on his, biting his lower lip when he wasn't fast enough to open his mouth for her. As soon as he did, she moaned and took another step forward, so her entire body was pressed flushed against his between his legs. The spoon Val had been holding fell to the ground splashing red sauce everywhere.

He buried his hands in her hair and pulled, hard. Lu felt sparks surge through her body. She moved her hands from his chest down to the buttons of his jeans, but before she could get them open, Val held her by the shoulder and pulled back from their kiss.

"Whoa, so that's why you couldn't wait to see me, huh?" He attempted to sound casual, but Lu registered his heavy breaths and the fact that he was already growing hard against her with a smirk.

"Shut up," she murmured, making quick work of the zipper and reaching into his pants.

He stopped her, _again_ , by grabbing her wrist and Lu let out a frustrated whine. Val searched her face. "You ok?"

"Not if you don't finally shut up and fuck me," Lu growled. She had no patience left. Her heart beat almost painfully hard in her chest and she wanted him. Now.

Val let go of her wrist and started biting her neck as she pulled down his briefs. When he grabbed her ass, turned them around and hoisted her up onto the kitchen counter, Lu let her head fall back and closed her eyes. Val ripped open the front of her dress when the buttons weren't cooperating. She slid to the edge of the counter so he could pull down her thong with one hand while shoving the other under her bra. She leaned forward, shrugged out of what remained of the top of her dress and took off her bra to give his hands full access.

They hungrily kissed again and she could feel Val's breath shudder when he pushed two fingers into her. She clenched around his hand and dug her nails into his shoulders.

It felt good, but it wasn't enough.

"Val…" Lu had lost the ability to form full sentences. "Val, fuck, I…"

He understood immediately. Even though it was what she had asked for, Lu whined when he pulled out his fingers. Her whine turned into a gasp when he lined his dick up and pushed into her. He set a fast rhythm. Lu started seeing stars in no time. Val pushed further so his full length was inside of her and she started shaking. He roughly pulled her legs forward to bring her even closer. The counter was slippery from where she had been dripping on it, and Lu blindly reached out to steady herself. Something fell and shattered on the floor - plates? - but it barely registered with her as her vision whited out and her entire body spasmed. Val followed her moments later.

They stayed where they were without saying anything for a while, Val steadying her on the counter with one hand splayed over her stomach and one caressing her breast. He leaned down to take the other one in his mouth but Lu grabbed his chin.

"Bedroom," she managed to huff out. "Now."

After another round and a hot shower, Lu and Val were lying in bed, bundled up under the covers with the windows wide open. Lu was staring up at the stars. She could feel Val looking at her with sleepy eyes, his fingers playing with her hair and she was sure that if she were any lighter, she would just float away. This right here, by his side, under the covers with the cold breeze on their faces, was the safest place in the world to her. Fuck all the safe rooms with their fucking bright lights. Lu squeezed her eyes shut.

"What is it?" Val turned her face up to him and she opened her eyes again. For a second she considered brushing him off, or lying. But she didn't want to tarnish the moment, and she didn't have the energy to come up with a story anyway.

"Security caught a guy today who was aiming a gun at our offices from across the street," Lu said, her voice low as she breathed in and out slowly.

There was a second of silence. Then: "What?" Val propped himself up on his elbows and Lu's head lolled off his chest. "You're kidding, right? Please tell me this is a joke." His eyes were flashing, whether with anger or fear Lu wasn't sure. He'd stopped playing with her hair and had gone completely still.

She reached out to cup his cheek and tried to put as much reassurance into her voice as she could. "They caught him, nothing happened." Lu turned around and moved up higher so she could press a light kiss to his lips. "They put us in a safe room and the scariest thing was Oliver snoring right next to my face."

Val didn't laugh. He brought his hands up to her face and traced her lips with his fingers. His eyes were locked on hers. "That's why you came charging in here tonight like the world was about to end."

It wasn't a question, but Lu still nodded. "I was stuck in that room under lights so bright they would burn the sun and Raquel was scared out of her mind, but all I could think about was you." She tore her gaze away. In any other situation she would have at least blushed after making such a romance novel declaration. After today, she didn't care.

"I needed you," Lu said. Val had let his arms drop to her waist and pulled her impossibly closer.

"I didn't even know this, but the guard told us after they had arrested the guy that our windows are bullet-proof." She let out a short laugh that sounded foreign to her own ears. Val just looked at her and waited for her to continue. "But when security burst in to drag us to that safe room, I had just opened one to get some fresh air. There's no window bullet-proof enough in the world, if some idiot like me comes along and pulls it wide-open-"

"Lu-"

"It doesn't matter." She took a deep breath. "Yes, I was scared when they told us there really was a guy with a gun. But then I came here to be with you and I haven't felt this alive in a long time."

Val tightened his arms around her. She buried her head in the crook of his neck, he pulled the blankets up until the only things peeking out were their heads, and kissed her forehead.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost you," he whispered. Lu couldn't speak. She kissed his neck in acknowledgement. After a minute, he ruffled her hair over her lazy protests. "Do me a favor and stay away from the windows, ok?"

Lu chuckled. "Fuck you." She pressed another kiss to his jaw and fell asleep soon after.

***

The next morning, Lu could feel the sun on her face when she woke up. Val wasn't next to her and she figured he was taking a shower, when the door to the bedroom opened.

"Oh good, you're awake!" Val exclaimed. He was wearing a pair of black sweatpants and carrying a tray with a plate and a steaming mug of coffee on it. Lu thought she could make out eggs on the plate.

"Awake is a strong word," she mumbled. "This is very sweet, but you know I don't-"

"Don't even finish that sentence." Valerio threw her a stern glance and set the tray down next to her on the bed. "I don't want to fight with you, so why don't you just enjoy this breakfast in bed, cooked for you by moi? We can't have you die of malnutrition after you survived a crazy assassin."

He was laughing but Lu could tell it was just a front. The look on Val's face was one of determination. He had made it a point these past few weeks to always try and feed her when they were together. Lu knew he meant well, but she also found it exhausting. Some people overate when stressed, she just… stopped, more or less. She had completely lost her appetite with the panic attack five weeks ago and it hadn't really returned. But she didn't want to ruin this perfect, quiet morning. And the way Val stood next to the bed, shirtless, with raised eyebrows made for a pretty irresistible sight.

She sighed dramatically. "Fine!" The coffee smelled divine and the eggs turned out to be an egg-white omelet. He knew her well.

After breakfast they lounged around in bed, cuddling and talking about nothing. With the sun on her face and Val by her side, Lu stretched her arms over her head and let out a long, contented sigh.

Val looked over at her. "We haven't spent this much time together in a while," he said. He opened his mouth like he wanted to keep on talking, but then closed it again.

"True," Lu said cautiously. There was obviously something on his mind.

Val raked his hand through his curls, a nervous habit Lu had seen him revert to countless times.

"I've been meaning to tell you something for a while," he said, his voice higher on the last word.

Now Lu was getting nervous, too. What the hell was going on? She tried hard to be patient and not give in to the urge to take him by the shoulders, shake him and shout "What is it?"

Her emotions must have shown on her face, because he rushed to say "It's not bad news! I just… I just want you to know that no matter-"

He was interrupted by the ringing of Lu's phone. "Do you have to take that?" he asked with irritation in his voice.

Lu gave him a disbelieving stare. "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm still fetching coffee from the last time I ignored my calls, in case you have forgotten," she told him, and after she saw the "Raquel calling" flashing on her screen, added a biting "Yes, I do have to take this."

She didn't even get to finish her "Good morning" to Raquel.

"You need to come in," the other woman said. "We're meeting at 11:30. Don't be late."

***

When Lu walked into the office 45 minutes later, Oliver was already sitting at the large oak table in their meeting room.

"Do you know why we're here on a Saturday after almost getting shot yesterday?" he asked her as she was dropping into the chair next to him. Lu rolled her eyes.

"No," she said. "But for the record, no one tried to shoot you personally, ok?"

"Well they could have after you so kindly opened the window for them!"

Lu slammed her pen and notepad down on the table and fully turned around to face Oliver.

"Really? You will just not shut up about-"

They were interrupted by Raquel, who walked in and silently placed two copies of a document down on the table. Lu couldn't help but stare at the woman in front of her. Raquel always looked so put together and it was hard for Lu to reconcile the efficient secretary with the ghost of a woman she was looking at now. Raquel's hair was falling out of a messy bun, her hands were shaking just enough for it to be visible and the purple circles under her eyes made it look like she had not slept a wink last night.

"Good morning," Lu said. She waited a second for Oliver to chime in, but when she looked at him out of the corner of her eye, he was just gaping at Raquel.

"So, uhm…," Lu tried to find the right words. "You… look a little… tired? Were you guys putting together a statement last night about what happened? Do you need us to look over it?"

Raquel heavily dropped into a chair across the table from them and pushed the documents toward Lu and Oliver. She began talking as if she hadn't even heard Lu's question.

"You need to sign these on the last page and initial on page two and three," she said in a monotone voice. "You can read it first, but it is important that you sign today. If you have any questions, I'll try to answer them as best as I can."

Lu looked down at the document in front of her and could see the words Non-Disclosure Agreement splayed across the top. Suddenly the air in the room seemed very thin. She pushed the papers away and grabbed Oliver's arm when she saw him reaching for a pen.

"Wait!" she hissed. Was he really going to sign this without knowing what it was? Then Lu looked at the secretary.

"Raquel, what are these? Why do you want us to sign NDAs? Where is Sophia?" She couldn't help her voice getting louder and louder with every question. Something was obviously very wrong and their boss didn't even think it necessary to show up?

"I already signed mine," Raquel said. Her voice took on an almost pleading tone as she pushed the papers back toward Lu. "Read it, then initial on page two and three and sign at the bottom. It just says that you won't do press interviews, obviously you can talk to the police."

"The police??" For maybe the first time ever, Lu and Oliver were perfectly in sync.

Lu pushed her chair back so quickly it almost fell over. "What the hell is going on? Why would we talk to the police?"

Oliver had gotten up as well and taken three steps back from the table. He was staring at the document like it was going to burst into flames at any second. But Raquel remained in her seat, quietly, her lips pressed together. When she opened her mouth, Lu thought she was going to lose her mind. "Please just-"

"Raquel, I swear to God, if you tell me to sign and initial one more time, I will-"

All three of them jumped when the door to the meeting room was thrown open and then slammed shut. Sofia waited for Lu's yell to die in her throat, then walked over to the table in three long, determined strides.

She looked at Lu and Oliver and took a deep breath. "Sit down." 

***

Lu sat on her couch with her phone in hand, staring straight ahead. Ever since leaving the ministry, she had operated on auto-pilot, trying to look like a normal human being to the outside world when everything she had believed in had just fallen apart.

She had warded off a panic attack in the Uber by closing her eyes, taking deep breaths and counting to ten over and over all the home. Now she just felt weirdly removed from reality, as if she was watching some absurd movie about her own life. I am in shock, Lu thought idly. She should probably be grateful for it.

After a while, she realized she was still holding her phone. Somehow she'd had the wherewithal after the conversation with Sofia to make sure what she was about to do wasn't illegal. Yes, Sofia had agreed, they were allowed to talk to their "closest confidants," with the disclaimer that if anyone breathed a word to the press, both they and said confidant would be in deep legal trouble.

Lu hit the call button. She had briefly considered going back to Val's place, but someone who worried and fussed over her would make this real. She couldn't deal with anyone in person right now. But she needed to talk to her best friend.

Carla picked up after the third ring. "Hey, what's up?" She sounded relaxed. Lu tried to imagine what Carla would have been doing on a Saturday afternoon, but her brain was completely blank. She could barely remember what she herself had been doing just two hours ago. _Before_.

"Hey," Lu said. That was how normal people started a phone conversation, right? She cleared her throat. "I, uhm… Do you have a minute?"

"Sure," Carla said slowly, her chill Saturday afternoon tone of voice already replaced with something more cautious. "Is everything alright?"

Lu sat mutely on the couch. She should have written a script for this. No, writing this down was a terrible idea. Did reporters still go through people's trash to get information? Maybe this only happened in old movies…

"Lu? Are you still there?"

She had called Carla, she should probably talk.

"Sorry," she said, shaking her head. First things first. "Are you alone?" When Carla confirmed, Lu went on with her checklist. "You cannot tell anyone what I am about to say, ok? You'll hear about this tomorrow or Monday, or sometime soon, but you will know details that not a lot of people do. You mustn't breathe a word to anyone about this, ever. Not even Samuel. Your phone is… no one is listening to your conversations, right?"

Lu suddenly fought the urge to laugh. This could not possibly be her real life.

The absurdity of the situation wasn't lost on Carla either. "What are you talking about? Of course no one is listening to my calls, I'm not James Bond. Are you drunk?"

Lu couldn't hold it back anymore. "Carla, she did it. She did all of it."

There was silence on the other end of the line. Then Carla asked "Who… what are we talking about?"

"Sofia. The money. She took it. That guy we first fired when the whole thing started to unravel this summer had nothing to do with it. I thought he was lying, of course, but he wasn't. She was. She and some mid-level official in the finance department quietly rerouted 265 million Euros that were supposed to help traumatized people who got here after almost dying in a war and crossing the Mediterranean in a fucking rubber boat, but she invested it in her husband's company instead."

She could hear Carla gasp. "What? How do you-"

"She told Oliver and me today. A guy tried to shoot her yesterday and apparently that put things into perspective for her."

Carla tried to interrupt, but Lu couldn't stop talking.

"I admired this woman for how she was handling everything," Lu spit out. "But she was lying the entire time. She was so good at it! And she made me lie, too. Everything I have been telling the reporters about this, in every single briefing, was basically bullshit. She did it and then she made everyone lie about it and- oh my God."

The realization hit Lu out of nowhere. She couldn't control the sob that escaped her mouth.

Carla immediately understood. "Lu, it's not the same. Listen to me, it is not the same thing. You didn't make us lie. We wanted to protect you. Yes, what happened was terrible. But Sofia, she, she…" Carla sputtered. "She deceived the entire country for months, if not years, to take money from institutions who needed it. Multiple people died, right? This is not the same."

"Right." Lu wiped away the tears that were running down her face. For the next 20 minutes, Carla kept reassuring her, talking in a soft voice about how everyone had known what they were doing, until Lu had calmed down somewhat.

"Thank you," Lu said after she had finally stopped crying. She swallowed and tried to bring her breathing under control. "I mean it. And sorry for dumping all this on you."

"Hey, I love you and this is what friends are for." Lu could practically hear her smile through the phone. "Also- 'dump this on me,' are you kidding? I feel like a government spy now! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, you know I won't tell a soul."

Carla asked what the next steps were. Lu wasn't sure whether she actually wanted to know or just wanted to keep her on the phone to make sure she was ok, but she still told her about Sofia's plan for Sunday night.

"I might text you for advice tomorrow," she said. "I have a feeling all the news will re-run this over and over, and it will probably be the last time I will ever be on tv, all things considered. So my outfit needs to be perfect."

Carla agreed to be her fashion sounding-board. They hung up after Lu had reassured her friend multiple times that no, she didn't need to come over - she would just go to bed and sleep.

It was starting to get dark outside by the time Lu managed to get up off the couch. She stood in her living room for a minute without knowing what to do and then decided she really would go to bed to try and get some sleep. She did need to look good on tv tomorrow.

Her phone beeped with a text from Val - the third one. He threatened to be at her place in half an hour if she didn't reply. She sent back a "Long story, tired, talk later. Love you," and hoped that would do it. The conversation about this fucking mess could wait until after the press conference. 

***

"I can't believe you told everyone!"

Nadia shook her head at Guzman, but laughed at the same time. She tenderly kissed him and blushed at his knowing grin. Of course she was happy to have their families there - well, her family and Guzman's mom. His parents had gotten divorced shortly after he had graduated. He'd told Nadia that they had never gotten over losing Marina, had never really talked about it and in the end, their marriage hadn't made it. When it came to small family gatherings, Guzman usually only invited his mother.

Right now she was on the couch chatting with Nadia's mom and dad. Omar joined Nadia and Guzman in the kitchen.

"Uhm, didn't want to disturb your little make-out session there, but it's almost 8," Omar said. "So if we want everyone to have a glass to cheer your big moment when they mention it on the news, you need to get a move on."

Nadia laughed. "It's not _my_ big moment," she said for what felt like the thousandth time. "It's our whole-"

"Yes, yes, we know, a team effort," Guzman interrupted her. "It's still something you can be proud of! You are part of the team that won the award. And your brother is right, let's get the drinks over there."

Once everyone had a glass - champagne for Guzman, Laura and Omar, non-alcoholic sparkling cider for Nadia, Yusef and Iman - Guzman raised his. Nadia hid her face in her hands. He was actually going to make a toast. She groaned and heard Omar chuckle beside her.

"I don't know why you're surprised," he told her wryly.

Nadia dropped her hands and looked at Guzman who was standing in front of his small audience beaming with pride. He could be such a doofus. But he was her doofus.

"Thank you for coming tonight," Guzman said. "I'm going to make it short so we can turn on the news in a few, but I wanted to say how proud I am of Nadia. She - yes, and everyone at the clinic, Nadia - anyway, they are doing really important work and changing the lives of people who have come to Spain under incredibly traumatic circumstances. I can't think of anyone who deserves the Samaritan Award more. I love you."

Her mother actually clapped as Nadia got up and kissed Guzman. Then she turned to see four people look up at her expectantly. She shook her head exasperatedly.

"I am not giving a speech! This isn't the awards ceremony, they're only announcing my clinic won tonight. I can't even believe Guzman invited you to watch the news with us." She couldn't help the smile that spread over her face. "But of course I'm happy to have you here. So yeah," she rolled her eyes a little, "as Guzman said, thank you for coming."

Her mom kissed her temple as Nadia sat down. "Your father and I are so proud of you, love," Iman said.

"Thank you, mom," Nadia said softly.

"Shouldn't Lucrecia be here for this? It is such a big moment and I'm sure she would have-"

"MOM!" Omar hissed. "I told you."

Guzman's face had closed off. "Tonight is only for family," he said with a tight smile.

"Lucrecia is practically family," Yusef said.

"Well, tonight is for real family only." Guzman had spoken in a harsh tone that Nadia herself would never use with her parents. She was about to say something when he turned on the tv. "8 o'clock, here we go!" She threw her boyfriend a look that she hoped conveyed they would have a talk about this later.

"This is so exciting!" Laura said, her smile just a little too wide, in an effort to break the tension.

The theme of the news finished and the host came into view. Nadia took a deep breath and tried to focus on the good part of tonight. Omar squeezed her shoulder and she gave him a small smile. Tonight was supposed to be fun. She tried not to think about how much she would have liked for Lu to be there.

… which is why Nadia thought she was hallucinating when she saw her friend on screen a few seconds later. "We are starting our program with a developing story from the interior ministry, where we are live right now," the newscaster said. "Minister Sofia Rivera Ortiz is expected to speak any minute now."

The small audience gathered in Nadia and Guzman's living room stared at the tv transfixed as Lu walked up to a small podium set up in the ministry courtyard.

"My goodness, she doesn't look too good, does she?" Laura pointed out. Guzman whisper-yelled at his mother, but Nadia knew he could see what they all could.

"Has she been eating alright?" Iman asked. "She's so thin."

No, Nadia knew with absolute certainty as she was looking at her friend on tv, she hadn't. Three weeks after they had arrived at Columbia, Nadia had discovered that Lu would stop eating for days when things were bad. Of course Lu hadn't actually admitted this to her - Nadia had learned when she heard a clatter and a thump and looked up from her books to find that Lu had passed out on her way from her bed to her closet.

Standing at the podium now, Lu looked only marginally better than her college freshman self, Nadia thought, despite the expensive-looking cashmere coat she was wearing.

Nadia felt sick to her stomach.

Lu announced the minister, explained that she would not take any questions after her short statement and stepped back to make room for her boss. When the older woman announced she would step down from her post effective immediately, all hell broke loose, with reporters yelling at the minister's back as she walked away.

Omar had the good sense to turn off the tv. It wasn't like they were still going to celebrate anymore. For a few moments everyone sat in silence. Then the dam broke.

"Did you know about this?" Laura asked her son.

"Did Lucrecia tell you?" Iman's eyes were wide. "What is going on, have you really not talked to her?"

Before Nadia could say anything, Guzman got up from his spot on the couch abruptly. His face was as white as a wall, and Nadia could see the concern in his eyes. Or was it guilt?

"I'm… I'm sorry, please excuse me," Guzman said before walking out.

Any other day, Nadia would have felt sorry for him. But this? _He_ had been the one telling her that they needed to wait it out, that they wouldn't help Lu by taking the first step. And now that they had seen her look like death on tv while pretty much announcing the loss of her own job, Guzman left her to deal with their families alone. Nadia seethed.

Thankfully her parents had started talking among themselves while Laura worriedly looked in the direction of where Guzman had disappeared.

Omar caught her staring at Laura. "I will take care of her," he said to Nadia. "But do me a favor and call Lu. Now. No more excuses."

Nadia nodded mutely, picked up her phone and walked into the kitchen. She tried Lu's number, but no one picked up. She waited a few seconds and tried again. Still nothing. After sending her a text saying that she wanted to talk, Nadia briefly hesitated. Her thumb hovered over Valerio's name, but she couldn't bring herself to call him. Instead, she pulled up Carla's contact. 

As soon as Carla picked up, Nadia started rambling. "I just saw Lu on tv- is she alright? I tried calling her but she won't pick up. She didn't look good. Did you know about her boss?"

There was an angry huff at the other end of the line. "'Is she alright?' That's rich coming from you," Carla said. Nadia didn't have to see her to know that her green eyes were blazing. "You just disappear, but now that you've seen her on tv, you're worried! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You haven't exactly been helpful the past few years either."

Nadia was baffled. "What are you talking about?"

"You knew!" Carla's voice was so loud that Nadia had to hold the phone away from her ear. "I only found out a few months ago that Lu still has nightmares from when she… from graduation. And I didn't understand what that meant, really, until last month. Nadia, she had a panic attack so bad that Valerio drove over there in the middle of the night. And then, when she still wasn't better 12 hours later and he had to go home, he called me so I could stay with her."

Nadia's throat constricted. 12 hours. Lu still had panic attacks this bad?

"She looked like she had seen a ghost," Carla said. "But I don't need to tell you that. Because you know exactly how bad she gets, right? You were in New York with her when it started. You've known for seven years and you have done nothing!"

Nadia was too stunned to say anything, but Carla didn't sound like she would have let her reply anyway.

"I looked away for too long. She didn't tell me and I didn't ask." Carla's voice broke just a little. She seemed to regain her composure quickly though, and when she spoke again, her voice was colder than Nadia had ever heard it. "But you knew. And you just let her and Valerio develop this twisted, co-dependent system instead of getting her help!"

Nadia felt anger bubbling up inside of her, and she welcomed how it drowned out her sadness and worry. "You think I haven't tried?" she hissed into the phone. "You cannot get someone therapy who doesn't want therapy, Carla! I know this because it happens to be my job."

"Exactly!" Nadia hated Carla's marquesita voice, the one she used to make others feel small - like her right now. "You of all people should know better. I had almost this same conversation with Valerio a few weeks ago, but he doesn't see the forest for the trees. He thinks if he lives phone call to phone call and rushes to her side whenever she needs him, that's helping Lu, but that's crazy! He got angry and screamed at me that he knows what's best for her, and I get it: He's too close, he can't see it. But you… If you think I'm wrong, too, and you don't think Lu needs to talk to someone, do tell me."

Nadia bit her tongue. She'd had this conversation with Lu more than once. Maybe she should have tried harder, but that did not give Carla the right to act all high and mighty. "Lu is afraid that if she opens up about the nightmares and the panic attacks in therapy, she will end up spilling everything about Polo," Nadia said. "That is one reason that she refuses to go. One part of it. You probably figured that out and now you think you get it, right? You haven't even considered that Lu has other issues, too, like how she clings to Valerio and won't accept any other help and how the two of them-" She barely managed to stop herself. 

"How the two of them what?" Carla asked. "Nadia, how the fuck am I supposed to 'get it' if you don't tell me?"

Nadia's heart was beating out of her chest. "Forget it," she said, trying hard not to let her voice tremble over the narrowly avoided disaster. "I really wanted to talk to Lu but she's not picking up her phone. At least not for me. If you talk to her, please tell her to call me."

She didn't wait for Carla's reply before hanging up, then walked over to one of the chairs at the kitchen island, plopped down and buried her head in her arms. She didn't want to go upstairs to deal with Guzman. She didn't want to go back into the living room, from where she could still hear the voices of her family and Laura. Instead, Nadia checked her phone for texts again. Nothing. Lu clearly didn't want to talk to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nadia and Guzman are back! Also this might not be how an NDA really works (I've never had to sign one), but let's just roll with it.  
> This week is the last one before the elections here in the US and work is probably going to be crazy for me for a while. Maybe I'll manage another update before November 3, maybe not - but after the big day I'll definitely be MIA for a while.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, this took forever, please forgive me! The weeks before and after the US election were crazy at work and I could hardly think straight, let alone focus on writing this. But now I'm back. This is a short chapter, a sign of life from me if you will. The next one will be longer, but the wait will be shorter, haha.

_One month earlier_

It was a grey, miserable day outside. The rain was coming down in sheets. Not exactly the right kind of weather to put anyone in a Christmas mood. Lu felt a sick sense of satisfaction. She had been against the idea of decking out her apartment from the start. Last year, her first in the place, she had hung some lights and called it a day. A day in _December_. Now it was barely late-November and her kitchen counter looked like Santa had thrown up on it. Fake pine-garlands, enough star-shaped candles to light-up a mid-sized cathedral and a sea of red and gold… stuff. Was that a miniature reindeer?

Lu took a large sip of her mulled wine, the only component of this plan that she was actually on-board with. Valerio had promised her a case of it ("Carla imported it from Germany!") in return for their afternoon of Christmas shopping. Lu downed the rest of her wine and could feel it go to her head. Good. She half-heartedly picked up a maroon-colored wooden shooting star, walked into the living-room and set it on her coffee table. There.

The thought of having to deal with all the other decorations had her so exhausted that she briefly closed her eyes with dizziness. Or maybe that was the wine. Clearly she needed more of it. Her mug full, Lu threw the stupid reindeer a disdainful glance and decided to ignore the whole stupid plan. She'd never wanted all this holiday cheer in the first place.

It had been Val's idea, of course. He had decided that two weeks of her pretty much not leaving her bed, let alone her apartment, were enough and that she needed a distraction. Lu was pretty sure she would've deserved a little more time after losing her job in the most public way possible. But Val had been so supportive through all of it that she hadn't had the heart to tell him no.

Starting two days after the big announcement, he had picked her up and driven her across town to the police station on no less than three separate occasions. He'd sat in the waiting room for hours while she had told the investigators everything useful she knew (which wasn't much), under the watchful eyes of the lawyer Carla had sent her way. He'd driven her home. And on all three days, he had held her hair back while she had thrown up from the stress of being inside an interrogation room and from the irrational fear that this time, they wouldn't let her leave.

Lu's hands were shaking so badly from the memory that she had to set her mug down. She curled up tighter on the couch and attempted to take a deep breath. She hadn't lied, she'd been nothing but cooperative with the inspector in charge and now it was over. Another deep breath. Considering how much energy it had cost her to merely appear shocked at her boss's indiscretion instead of terrified to her core, Lu thought it was no wonder that she had basically become a shut-in.

Val had dropped by every other day or so to try and drag her out of bed. But for the first time since she could remember, she didn't have a reason to get up, no class, internship or job to get to. Her body felt like it was made of lead and her mind was either spinning in manic circles or being mercifully dulled with a little chemical assistance. So Lu had refused. In a silently agreed-upon compromise between her and Val, she'd eaten a few bites of whatever take-out he had brought, then sent him on his way as quickly as she could.

But yesterday he had called and from the tone of his voice she'd already known she wouldn't stand a chance.

"We are buying you decorations tomorrow since I'm guessing you don't have any, and then we're going to Christmafy your apartment!"

Her objection that it was still November had gone unheard.

"You need to… Listen, we're doing this and it will be fun, promise. I'm picking you up at 2 tomorrow, ok?

"Fine."

Valerio's voice had changed from forced cheer to serious.

"Lu, that means you don't take a Xanax in the morning. You have like zero tolerance and I don't want you all checked-out."

She'd acted huffy on the phone about the assumption implied in his statement, but her heart hadn't been in it because they both knew he was right. The next morning Lu had done as she was told.

Shopping had actually turned out to be fun, if a little overwhelming. After one look at her deer-in-the-headlights face, Val had declared that she would only have to pick out a color scheme and had then started tossing items into their cart with gusto. They had just made it back to her apartment with their haul and the promised case of mulled wine when Val's cell rang. After a brief conversation that he had taken in the hallway, he'd come back looking frazzled.

"I'm so sorry, that was Leo, she… I have to go." He'd taken a gulp from the mug of mulled wine she had prepared for him. "You have everything you need now, go wild! I expect Christmas card-style pictures tonight." Then he'd kissed her for way too short a time. And then he was gone.

Lu lifted her mug to her lips again. There was no way in hell she'd spend the rest of her afternoon setting up little sparkly Santas around her apartment. With Val here, she could've seen a silly sort of appeal in that - listening to bad Christmas songs, him making fun of her for knowing all the lyrics and getting wine-drunk _together_. By herself it just seemed absurd. She knew, though, that Val hadn't been kidding about the photos. Lu let out a whine and threw her head back. She'd have to give him something.

Accepting her fate, Lu dragged herself off the couch and plopped down on the ground next to her coffee table. She took a selfie with the wooden shooting star, added a "Happy Holidays!" sticker to artfully cover up the very much un-decorated rest of the living-room and sent it to Val.

Half an hour later she was taking her make-up off to get ready for bed when her phone rang. Lu was expecting Val to call, but when she saw the name on the screen, she almost dropped her phone. _Nadia_. For a second she considered not picking up, but her heart had already started aching with anticipation at the thought of hearing her friend's voice again. 

"Hey." Lu was waiting for her brain to come up with something, anything else to say, but had no such luck.

"Hey. Hi! I, uhm… I didn't expect you to pick up."

Lu took comfort in the fact that Nadia was apparently just as tongue-tied as her. After a few seconds of silence, she could hear her friend's voice again.

"So… what are you up to? I hope I'm not disturbing you, I can call some other time, or maybe I'll text first, I just wanted-"

Nadia was rambling. Even after three months of radio silence between them, Lu still couldn't stand to hear her this obviously uncomfortable. Which was why she didn't think about her answer.

"No, no, you're fine, I'm just getting ready for bed."

The second she had said it, Lu wished she could take it back.

"For bed?" Nadia sounded confused, but there was already an underlying layer of concern in her voice. Lu quietly hit her head against the tiled wall in the bathroom. _Damn it_. "It's 6pm. What's wrong, are you ok?"

Lu smiled. She had read once that you could hear a smile over the phone. "No, yeah, I'm fine, just…" Stick as close to the truth as possible, another lesson she had picked up. "Val and I had a little too much of this German mulled wine Carla is trying out this year. Had to put him in a cab and now it's definitely time to lie down." She experimented with a little laugh at the end and thought it sounded pretty convincing.

"Ah. That, that sounds fun!" Nadia also laughed and Lu cringed. Had she sounded like that?

They chatted for a few minutes about Nadia's day and about how much they despised the weather outside. It felt so normal that it made Lu's heart sing. She realized that if Nadia would be willing to pretend that nothing had happened, so would she. Maybe they could just-

"Lu, listen." Of course. Too good to be true. "I feel terrible about our fight. And then I saw you on tv and you looked so… I'm sorry about your job, I read an article that said- never mind, it doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is… How are you? Really?"

Lu focused on a spot on the wall. "I'm fine, Nadia. Really." She needed the call to end, and fast. She was drunk, she realized, way past tipsy, the day's unusual activity level had exhausted her and she hadn't taken her morning Xanax. This was too much. "If that's the only reason you called, you can hang up now. Thanks, I appreciate the concern."

"No! Lu, don't be like that. I… I miss you. That's why I called, yes, because I'm worried, but also because I miss you."

It was no use, now Lu was crying. Because of what Nadia had said, but also because she knew that pretending the elephant in the room away would only ever work for so long. For the millionth time, she wished that she had never tried to blackmail Nadia into failing all those years ago in high school, and that Val had never told her about them. But she couldn't turn back time.

"You know what? You're right, I'm not doing great." Lu didn't care that Nadia could probably hear how tired she sounded or that she was crying. "And you know who the only person is I'm willing to see right now, who's making sure I'm not fully losing it? Val."

"But that's the problem, he shouldn't be the only-"

"See, we're just having the same conversation again!" Lu said. "I miss you, too, but I can't do this."

There was a silence on the other end of the line. Lu could practically see Nadia, her eyes darting off to her side and her hand playing with the bottom of her shirt while she was trying to figure out what to say next.

"Ok. I don't… We don't have to talk about it right now. I don't want to pressure you, you're tired. Have a good night. I love you."

Lu closed her eyes. "I love you, too. Bye."

After hanging up, Lu mechanically went on with her night-time routine. She finished washing her face, took her Xanax and brushed her teeth. Only when she was under the covers did she allow herself to think about what had just happened. Lu knew how hard it had to have been for Nadia to call. She also knew she couldn't do what Nadia wanted her to. Maybe, just maybe, her friend would let it go.

 _Yeah right._ That didn't sound plausible even to her tired ears. She just wanted Nadia, and Guzman, back in her life so badly. Hearing Nadia's voice again had made her realize that. They would have to figure something out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not have any medical knowledge and know only the bare minimum about Xanax. From what I understand, people who regularly take Xanax to manage their anxiety disorder, for example, should NOT skip a dose! Here, Lu has only recently started taking it. I also recently took Xanax for the first time (ahead of a medical appointment) and was basically useless for the rest of the day. Yes, it definitely made me relax and not think - to the point where all I could do was lie in bed and stare at the TV. So that's the idea.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I come bearing gifts…

_One month earlier cont'd_

Carla was in a heated phone discussion with a supplier from Rioja, with Valerio sitting next to her, looking ready to tear his hair out. They had been talking in circles for half an hour and Valerio was making the universal hand gesture for "Please hang up on this idiot". Carla shrugged and rolled her eyes.

Valerio pretended to fall asleep and slip off his chair. Carla bit her lip to not start giggling. She should probably reprimand him for not taking this seriously, but she was loath to disturb the peace she and Valerio had only recently returned to.

Learning about the full scope of Lu's panic attacks had shaken her. Valerio had tried to brush her off with a short thank you for rushing to Lu's side when he couldn't be there, but Carla wouldn't have that. Even though her marketing manager was very skillful in avoiding her, she had managed to get a hold of him a few days later and had insisted on getting her questions answered.

The longer Valerio had talked, the more Carla had felt he was living in a parallel universe. Lu had been going through this for seven years, and from what Carla had understood, it wasn't getting better. When Valerio had assured her that the panic attacks weren't usually as bad as the one Carla had witnessed the tail end of, she had lost it a little. "So you're telling me it's getting worse? And you still don't want to get her professional help?"

Maybe she had raised her voice a little out of exasperation, but she hadn't been prepared for Valerio to full-on scream at her. The conversation had ended pretty quickly after that, and had left Carla with three take-aways: Lu wouldn't see a therapist because she felt she couldn't talk about the reason for her panic attacks. Valerio was clinging to the delusion that he was the only one who could truly help his sister. And Nadia had known both these things for years and apparently hadn't deemed it necessary to intervene.

Valerio had taken a day off and upon his return had stepped into Carla's office to apologize - for the screaming, not for what he had said, he'd stressed. When Carla had told him that according to her research (she was nothing if not meticulous), a therapist wasn't allowed to break doctor-patient confidentiality to talk to police unless it concerned an ongoing investigation, Valerio had let out a humorless laugh.

"You think Nadia hasn't told us that already? Lu doesn't want to go and I'm not going to drag her by the hair. We have a system that works. But thank you for your effort."

With that, he had turned around and left. The message had been clear to Carla: Stop pushing. She'd decided she would - but only for the moment, until she could device a better strategy. Things with Valerio had slowly returned to normal.

On days like today, when he was keeping her sane during endless phone calls, she was especially grateful for that. 

"Thank you, Sergio, that sounds like a great plan. Have a good weekend. Bye." As soon as she hung up, Valerio let out a loud whoop.

"You did it!" He high-fived her. "Wow, I thought he would never stop talking. Thank God it's Friday, I'm going to need two full days to recover from his bullshit."

Carla laughed. "Well, I still have another meeting and a phone conference before it's the weekend for me, but-"

A knock on the door interrupted her. Carla's secretary stuck his head in, telling her she had a visitor. A second later, Lu walked in and enveloped Carla in a hug.

"Hi!" Carla couldn't hide her surprise. "Did we have a lunch-date I forgot?"

She knew there was no lunch date. Valerio had told her what a struggle it was to get Lu out of the house for an hour of Christmas shopping. And yet, a mere two days later, here she was. Carla sneaked a glance at Valerio, who looked just as surprised as she felt.

"Nope." Lu popped the 'p' and sat down on Carla's desk. "I just decided to come by. What good is unemployment if I can't day-drink and hang out with my friends?"

Valerio leaned against the desk and bumped Lu with his elbow. "You wouldn't have already started with the day-drinking without us now, would you?"

Lu grinned. "Only a little bit. But now you can catch up!" She turned to Carla. "Darling, where do you keep all that wine? Let's open a bottle!"

Carla had to smile despite herself. "Lu, I'm really happy to see you, but I still have work to do. If you and Valerio want to-"

She was drowned out by Lu's protests, and by Valerio, who said "Come on, Carla, Lu came all the way over here. No chance for a little impromptu party?"

Carla was pretty sure that the glance he was throwing her was to convey something along the lines of "She voluntarily got out of bed and is in a good mood, please don't ruin it."

Lu had dropped into the chair next to Valerio's. Both Montesinos siblings were looking at her with matching expectant smiles. Carla sighed. How was she supposed to resist that? Sometimes she wished she had a brother or a sister. Lu and Valerio were so close - it would have been nice to have an ally like that growing up, instead of having had to face her parents alone.

Carla sighed dramatically and picked up the phone. "Manuel, cancel my appointments for the rest of the day." Carla saw Lu raising her arms in victory and paused for effect. "And please bring up two bottles of champagne." 

There were deafening cheers and Carla knew she had made the right decision. 

Half an hour later they had finished the first bottle and were dancing through her office yelling along to the music.

"Once I said that, Once I said that  
Hurry, hurry, hurry cause it's getting late  
Say hush hush, say hush hush  
Oh, oh, it's getting late"

Carla's heels lay discarded under her desk, Lu had managed to spill champagne all down her front and Valerio's shirt was halfway unbuttoned. 

"This," Lu declared while she was going through the playlist on her phone, "is the perfect house party. No dumb games, no try-hard DJ, no fucking drama. Only my two favorite people and the best damn champagne in the world."

Carla grabbed the second bottle. "Good thing you like it, because there's more!" She popped it open and the cork hit the ceiling to delighted shouts from her audience.

15 minutes later Carla was swiping through her friend's phone looking at her music while Lu and Valerio were dancing across the room. When a caller ID popped up on the screen, she held up the phone. "Lu, you're getting a call. From a Javier? Do you want me to decline that?"

Lu ran over to her. "Nonononono!" She grabbed the phone from Carla, dropped into a chair and breathlessly answered. "Javier, hi!"

Carla couldn't help but smile. Drunk Lu either cursed out whoever dared interrupt her partying or greeted them with a level of enthusiasm you normally didn't hear on the phone from anyone who wasn't telemarketer.

From the way she was over-annunciating, Carla could tell Lu was trying not to sound drunk. It wasn't working at all, she thought, but if the guy on the other end of the line didn't know her well, maybe he was buying it. Then Lu broke into giggles. _Or not._

Carla didn't think it mattered, but apparently Valerio felt differently. He grabbed Lu's shoulder to try to get her to calm down. "Lu. Lu, stop!" he hissed. "What does he want?"

Apparently Valerio knew Javier?

"I'm hanging out with some friends." Lu still didn't sound remotely sober, but she had stopped giggling. "Aaaw, you're such a sweetheart! I'm good! No need… What? Are you serious? Oh my God." She jumped to her feet. "Yes. Yes! Of course, I would love that… Javier, I honestly don't care. I'll do whatever… Ok!" She literally squealed. "Talk to you Monday. Thank you! Bye."

As soon as she had hung up, Lu turned to Carla and Valerio. "He just offered me a job!" They all started screaming and Valerio picked her up, spinning her in a circle.

Carla was as relieved as if she herself had just been saved from long-term unemployment. She raised her glass. "To Lu!" Valerio mirrored her and Lu raised her own glass with a loud "To me!"

"What kind of job?" Carla asked. "Who is this guy that he doesn't give a fuck that you're wasted at 3pm on a Friday?"

"That was Javier!" Lu said it like she was talking about Madonna or some other celebrity who didn't require a last name. When Carla just stared at her blankly, she elaborated. "Javier Sanchez, I interned with him before I started working for Sofia. He's the foreign minister's spokesman."

"Necklace guy!" Carla remembered now. 

"Yes!" Lu pointed at her and nodded emphatically. "His secretary is leaving at the end of the year and he immediately thought of me. I'm obviously over-qualified…" She dramatically tossed her hair over her shoulder. "But I'll be back in the game! See, I knew it was a good idea to come here and party today."

Carla practically skipped back to her desk where the champagne bottle sat. She knew that people who weren't close to her perceived her as cold and distanced, but there were few things that made her as happy as good things happening to her friends. Lu had needed a win so badly - she deserved this. Carla was elated.

She grabbed the bottle. When she turned around, Valerio was hugging Lu close and whispering something in her ear. Oddly, Carla felt like she had interrupted an intimate moment. She quickly turned away again, counted to three in her head and then raised the bottle, calling out "Who wants more champagne?" 

Two glasses later, Carla left her office to go to the bathroom. Walking back, she could hear "Dancing Tonight" playing from halfway down the hall. Carla smiled. She and Lu used to get drunk to Cristina Quesada in high school. When she opened the door to her office, Lu was standing in the middle of the room, swaying like she had just spun out from an elaborate ballroom dancing turn. Looking at Val, who was standing a few steps away, panting, Carla figured that was probably exactly what had happened. But why was he staring at her wide-eyed?

"What's up with you two?" Carla chuckled. "Did I miss another world-class dance routine?"

Lu didn't reply. She looked like she was in a blissful trance. Wow, Carla thought, you are really, really drunk.

Valerio cleared his throat. "Uh, Lu finished the champagne. I didn't realize she was chugging your glass, too, until it was too late." He flashed his trademark grin with a little shrug.

Carla still thought something felt off, but then she was also well on her way to drunk. She went over to her best friend and hugged her.

"You're lucky I love you, bitch," she told her with a laugh.

Lu hugged her back. "Carlaaaaa, I love you, too!" 

Carla looked over at Val who had his back turned to her and was collecting the glasses and empty bottles. "Hey, you don't need to do that," she told him. "And I think your sister here needs to go lie down."

Lu whined and Carla put a hand over her mouth, loudly talking over her friend's complaints.

"Nope, I'm sure of it. I don't want her passing out in my office. Or in front of her building, actually. You should take her home."

Lu's behavior changed as if someone had flipped a switch. She went still in Carla's arms and stopped whining. "Yes, Val." She was staring at him. "You should take me home."

Valerio shook his head and grabbed his jacket. "I, uh, I can't. Leo is probably already wondering where I am." He walked over to them, gave Carla a side-hug and pressed a quick kiss on the crown of Lu's head. "She lives closer to you anyway. Bye." On his way out he was so flustered that he almost ran into the doorframe.

 _Weird_. "You're brother is weird," Carla told Lu.

Her friend replied with a weak smile. Carla squeezed her hand. "Hey, don't turn into a sad drunk on me now!"

Lu let out a laugh. "Shut up, am not."

"Good." Carla picked up hers and Lu's bags. "Because I would have reminded you that you have a new job lined up with your friend Javier, so you don't have any reason to be sad."

"Yay Javier!" Lu sing-songed.

"Yes, yay Javier," Carla said and maneuvered her friend out the door.

She could feel Lu looking at her as she was locking her office. "What?"

Lu smiled and put her head on Carla's shoulder. "This was fun."

"It was. I'm glad you came by." Carla looked back at Lu. Her make-up was a mess, the champagne stain was front and center on her shirt, but she looked happy. Carla couldn't remember the last time she had seen Lu smile as widely as she had today. That didn't mean she would back down on the therapy issue. But at least her friend was doing better.

She grabbed her hand. "Alright, let's get you home."

***

Valerio took a deep breath. He was standing in front of Carla's office and couldn't quite bring himself to go in yet. He had had the weekend to recover, but the memories of Friday's little party were still burned into his brain. Of Lu showing up at 2 in the afternoon, already with wine on her breath, but so giddy, _happy_ for once that he couldn't bring himself to really say anything. Of her getting the call from Javier, the pure joy on her face and how she had held on to him so tight for a second that he could feel her nails digging into his back through his shirt. And then, as soon as Carla had stepped out…

No. Valerio shook his head. If he ever wanted to be able to sit across from his boss and friend in her office again without having to cover his crotch, he needed to stop replaying that scene in his head. It was bad enough that he had run out of there like wild dogs were chasing him. He really, really hoped Carla wouldn't ask about his undignified exit.

Well, no time like the present to find out. After swallowing dryly, he knocked and entered. Carla was sitting at her desk going through a stack of papers so tall just looking at it gave Valerio a headache.

"I hate to interrupt your fun," he told her. "I can come back later."

Carla pushed the papers away from her and groaned. "No! Please don't leave. You're the best excuse I have for a break. What's up?"

He slowly made his way over to the chairs on the other side of her desk. "Just checking in," he said and shrugged. "I also needed a break. So, uh, how's it going with the contracts?"

Carla narrowed her eyes. "'Just checking in'? We're not going to open another bottle of champagne if that's what you're angling for."

Valerio covered his face with his hands. "God, no. Friday was more than enough."

When he lowered his hands, he could see Carla silently laughing at him. The audacity.

"We made it home ok, by the way, thanks for asking," she said. "But getting Lu to take off her champagne-soaked shirt was a bit of a struggle."

Valerio forced out a laugh. _Goddamn it, Carla_. Now he had that image stuck in his mind. His Monday was going well.

He managed to come up with a specific question related to the Rioja contract, and Carla went into detail on what she thought was the best way forward. Sometimes Valerio found it hard to believe she had only been back in Madrid for a little over three years and managing the wineries full-time for about a year-and-a-half. He had no problem with not being the smartest person in the room, and he despised the occasional business partner who was still used to dealing with Teodoro and treated Carla like a naïve little girl. Thankfully, most of them realized their mistake after one conversation with her.

They discussed Carla's plans for the next 15 minutes. When she took a sip of her water and let out a yawn, he figured this was his chance.

"Hey, Leo and I are having a party. Nothing special, just a small get-together. Saturday after next." He was dragging his hand through his hair but stopped as soon as he realized he was doing it. "Uh, you wanna come? You and Samuel, of course. You're both invited. So… yeah. Let me know." _Smooth_.

"Ok…?" Carla gave him a funny look. "Is that your birthday? I already have that in my calendar. Samu and I will be there."

"No, um, actually, this is two weeks before my birthday. Just, just a party." Valerio had to make a conscious effort not to squirm under Carla's stare. Why had he ever agreed to this? He should have told Leo his birthday was as good a time as any to-

"What is this just-a-party for then? If your birthday is two weeks later? Missing your old partying ways?"

He let out a forced laugh. _Sure, let's go with that_. He watched as Carla checked her phone.

"Sorry," she said a second later. "I'll be in Santander for a conference. I'm leaving that Friday and won't be back until Tuesday. Samu's coming along, he wants to check out the surfing up there."

"Oh." For a second Valerio didn't know what to say. He had counted on Carla to be there. "You can't leave on Sunday? It would mean a lot to me if you came."

Carla put her phone down and looked him in the eye. "Don't you want to tell me what this is really about then?"

He looked at his hands.

"I'm sorry," Carla said, her voice going soft. "I'm a speaker at the dinner Saturday night. I can't miss it. If I could-"

"No, no, don't worry about it," Valerio said, his smile an attempt to cover up his racing thoughts. Carla wasn't going to be there. Nadia and Guzman obviously weren't going to be there, which meant Omar was out as well. That left Lu in a room full of Leo's friends. _Fuck_. He had to think of something.

Carla was still giving him that inquisitive look when his phone rang. He was grateful for the save.

Apologetically he mouthed "It's Leo" to Carla and got up to take a few steps away from her desk.

"Hey, what's up?"

Leo told him she had to miss dinner because the partner to whom she had been assigned for the firm's biggest case had said no one could go home before they had come up with a decent defense strategy.

"Will you be ok?" he asked. "Are they ordering in for you?"

"Yeah, probably from that Thai place you hate." She laughed, but then her voice turned serious. "Have you told your sister yet? I know I said no nagging, but it just feels so weird because you two are so close, and the party is in less than two weeks and you said you'd have lunch with her today and I-"

"Yes! Yes, I told her." Valerio had completely forgotten he had come up with that lunch lie and at this point, he'd run out of excuses for why he hadn't told Lu. "She's very happy and she says hi. Listen, Leo, I gotta go, I'm in a meeting with Carla right now. Take care and I'll see you later. Love you."

He briefly closed his eyes. When he returned to his chair, Carla raised her eyebrows at him.

"I wasn't aware we were having a meeting."

"Oh, no, that, she just, uhm… She wants to micromanage everything about this party and it's driving me crazy." Valerio didn't think for a second Carla believed a word he was saying. He needed to get out of here as quickly as possible. Beating a hasty retreat from Carla's office was becoming a habit. He mumbled something about needing to get back to work and left.

Outside her office, he leaned back against the wall, his hands curling into fists. He was running out of time.

***

Lu checked her lipstick one last time before she rang the bell at Val's. Ever since his place had turned into his _and Leo's_ place, she took pains to look nothing short of perfect whenever she went over. Today she had brought out the sparkly mascara and, to not overdo it, wore nude lipstick with the barest hint of pink. She still wasn't sure what exactly she was there for- all she had gotten two weeks ago was the text invite for "a small party" from Val. She had been having a bad day (What if Javier had changed his mind? What if the ministry wouldn't let him hire her? What if she screwed up?) and hadn't replied. When she'd called him the next day, he was coughing so badly he could barely speak. She'd stopped by with taco soup, the one food she could actually prepare, and told him to shut up when he had tried to talk.

They had texted back and forth a little, with Lu reminding Val that he needed to give his body a chance to ride out this cold if he wanted to be well for his mystery party. He had tried to call her yesterday, but she had been on the phone with Carla who was having a minor crisis in Santander.

Samuel's bottle of aftershave had broken in the suitcase and ruined the dress Carla had planned on wearing to the big dinner she was supposed to speak at. She'd only had 90 minutes until the stores closed and Lu had provided emergency fashion advice. Carla had ended up finding a perfect replacement dress, but it had been a close call. After the high-stakes FaceTime shopping outing, Lu had been so exhausted that she'd taken a Xanax and gone straight to bed.

She tossed her straightened hair over her shoulder, then reconsidered and fanned it out so it covered the front of her denim jacket. Since there wasn't a special occasion for the party, she had kept it simple with the blue Levi's jacket and a straight black V-neck dress that ended right above her knees. For a nano-second Lu worried that the blush suede ankle boots weren't enough to dress up her outfit. But when she saw Leo open the door in black jeggings and a flowy white tunic, Lu felt reassured. Sure, it wasn't a competition. But she still looked better. 

"Lu, hi!" Leo pulled her into a quick hug, then linked arms with her and leaned down to whisper into her ear. "Not a word to anyone! We're telling everyone in a little bit, just giving people a couple more minutes to arrive." They had made it into the living-room, which was already buzzing with people. Leo threw her arms around Lu again. "Ah, I'm so happy you're here!"

"My lips are sealed." Lu figured it was easiest to just go along with whatever the hell Leo was talking about. That didn't mean she wanted to risk a third hug though, and Val's girlfriend was still standing dangerously close to her and practically bouncing on the balls of her feet. "I, uh, I'm going to grab a drink," Lu said, shooting a quick smile at Leo. "Catch you later."

Lu made herself a strong gin and tonic. With her weird behavior, Leo was getting even more under her skin than usual. Lu took a large sip of her glass and refilled it with more gin. Just as she was beginning to wonder where Val was, she saw him across the room. His eyes were scanning the crowd and Lu knew he was looking for her. She smiled when he finally found her and raised her glass to him.

She was about to make her way over to Val, when there was some commotion by the door. At first, all Lu could see was multiple people holding up their phones. One girl - Leo's cousin? - squealed. When she saw who walked into the living-room, Lu almost dropped her glass.

"Hey, what is this, a party or a funeral home? I was standing right outside your door and couldn't hear a fucking peep. Doesn't anyone have a good playlist around here? I have some suggestions."

While at least half the people in the room scrambled for their phones, Lu threw her head back and laughed. She couldn't believe that it would be Rebeka of all people who'd make this night more fun for her, but the tension from her weird encounter with Leo was already melting away.

She walked up to Rebe from behind. "Hey, Narco Barbie! What brings you to town?"

Rebeka grinned from ear to ear. "Darling!" She threw her arms around Lu in an exaggerated gesture. "Buen día! I saw you on tv the other night, but don't worry, you're way hotter in person."

Lu could tell that some people were still sneakily, or not, taking pictures. "Hey, if that bothers you, say one word and Val will confiscate their phones," she told Rebeka, who just shrugged and said she was used to it.

If someone had asked Lu in high school who of their classmates was most likely to land a number 1 single in Japan and turn into a minor Spanish popstar, she would have honestly picked Rebe. The two of them had gotten along surprisingly well when Rebe had come to visit Nadia the summer after their first year in New York and ever since then they had loosely kept in touch.

Rebeka had sent her a raw cut of the music video that would turn her into an overnight sensation and Lu's jaw had been on the floor as she'd watched her former rival kill it, walking the streets of Tokyo in 5-inch-heels and an electric blue trench coat. That was two years ago, and since then, Rebe had had a couple of Top-20 singles in Spain as well. 

"What are you doing here?" Lu asked her. "I thought you were in Barcelona recording your next album."

"I was, but your brother called me last week and invited me," Rebeka said. "He made it sound like I _had_ to be here, although I gotta say - looking at this I'm still struggling to understand why. No offense."

Lu's eyebrows were raised so high they practically disappeared into her hairline. "None taken," she said slowly. "Weird, Carla mentioned something similar. Why would he-"

Before she could finish that thought, the man in question came up behind them throwing an arm around each of their shoulders.

"Rebe, you made it! Sorry about the pictures, I didn't think these guys would be so annoying. Already collected some phones." Valerio held up a large gift bag with a cartoon Santa on it.

Rebeka grinned. "Merry Christmas to you then."

Val moved his arm down from Lu's shoulder to her waist. "I hate to break up your reunion, but I need to steal Lu for a minute."

"No way." Rebe linked arms with Lu and started to pull her toward the improvised bar in the kitchen. "I've barely talked to Latin Barbie for three minutes. We haven't even done shots yet!"

Lu burst into laughter again. Shots sounded like a great idea, and her glass of gin and tonic was empty again as well. She did feel a little sorry for Val, who looked almost desperate and tried to hold on to her as Rebe was dragging her off. "I'll find you in a minute," she called out to him over her shoulder.

A group of people from Leo's office scrambled as they vacated two bar stools at the kitchen island for them. One of the guys was brave enough to ask Rebe for a selfie and smiled like a kid on Christmas morning after she obliged.

"You know he's going to show that off to all his sleazy lawyer friends for the rest of eternity, right?" Lu asked.

"Fuck if I care," Rebeka said with a dry laugh. "Some lady in Osaka paid me 3,000 dollars to take a picture with my bare feet next to her face. This is child's play."

They had just downed their second round of shots when Lu heard Leo's voice from the living room.

"If you guys could come a little closer, we have an announcement to make."

Rebe rolled her eyes. "What now?"

"No idea." Lu tried to laugh as they got up and walked over to stand in the back of the living room, but she suddenly had an odd feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. Why were they all here tonight? Looking at Val and Leo standing next to each at the center of the room only made it worse. The belt around Leo's stupid tunic, Lu noticed, matched the green of Val's silk shirt.

"Thank you all for coming, we really-" Valerio had to clear his throat. "Excuse me. We really appreciate it."

Even from the back of the room, Lu could see the way that Leo was looking at him, like she was waiting for him to continue. But Val stayed silent. 

"Well, we, uh, we haven't asked you here just so you can drink all our tequila," Leo said to laughs from her friends. "In fact, please don't, we have to save some, the next big party is only two weeks away." 

Lu could feel Rebe looking at her with a questioning glance. "Val's birthday is on December 27," she whispered without really paying attention to her friend. Her eyes were fixed on Val and Leo.

"Valerio and I didn't want to wait any longer though," Leo told the room. She made a dramatic pause and smiled at Val. "We're going to be parents. I’m pregnant!"

***

Lu thinks her grip on reality must be slipping. This isn’t real. It _feels_ real, but so do all the nights she’s back at Teatro Barceló in her graduation dress, the satin train brushing against her legs, her fingers slick with Polo's blood. She closes her eyes and tries to take a deep breath, even though it seems like every last bit of oxygen has been sucked from the room. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not. It can't be.

But when she opens them again, Val is looking straight at her from across the room and she can see it in his eyes. Lu tunes out the cheers until all she can hear is her own irregular heartbeat. She sees Rebe turning to look at her, sees the other people around them clapping and raising their glasses, only that everything is suddenly happening in slow motion. She wants nothing more than to run out, but her body isn’t cooperating. It feels like a foreign object, like a prison. Every single muscle is frozen in place. Lu isn't sure she could even blink.

So she just stands and stares while a beaming Leo finishes her announcement, her hand now holding Val's: "Can you believe it? We’re really having a baby!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I apologize for the long wait. I had to get through a transatlantic move. But here we are!

_Two weeks earlier (cont'd)_

_Lu just stood and stared while a beaming Leo finished her announcement, her hand now holding on to Val's: "Can you believe it? We’re really having a baby!"_

When Lu could finally move again, she bolted from the living room. She barely had a grasp on reality anymore - it seemed like the world was slipping right through her fingers. The one person who had promised to never hurt her again had just ripped her heart out, and a room full of people was applauding him for it. She would have loved to march over to Val, look him in the eye and ask him what the hell he was doing, but there was no way she could do that without either starting to scream or dissolving into tears, and she was not about to make this more humiliating on herself than it already was.

She only realized where she had run off to when she closed the bathroom door behind her. Her body knew there was one way of getting any resemblance of control back. Maybe it would quiet down the voice that she tried so hard to push to the back of her mind that her hands were shaking. _You're alone._

Her finger was halfway down her throat when she heard Rebeka's voice behind the bathroom door. "Lu? You ok?" 

Lu hesitated for a second, but then did it anyway. _To hell with it_.

Rebe actually came into the bathroom when she heard her retching. Did this woman not know any fucking social norms? Thankfully Lu only needed to stick her finger down her throat once, with her body knowing what it was expected to do. By the time Rebe knelt down next to her to hold her hair back, Lu was throwing up all naturally.

The only problem: It didn't work like she had hoped it would. The voice in her head would not shut up and the shaking had spread from her hands to her very core.

"Wow, you really don't like your brother's girlfriend very much, do you?" Rebe tried for a laugh, but stopped pretty quickly. "Hey, do you want me to get Valerio?"

"No," Lu got out. She made an effort to stop, breathed in and out through her nose and sat back on her heels. "I felt ill since this morning, but I didn't want to miss his party. I'll just go home and lie down, I'm probably coming down with a stomach flu or something."

Rebeka gave her a quick once-over. "Yeah, you look like shit."

Lu didn't have the energy for a snarky reply. She accepted Rebe's hand to pull herself up and went for the door without even bothering to rinse her mouth. She needed to get out, away from people. Now. It took her two tries to call an Uber because her hands felt like they were not obeying her brain's commands anymore.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Rebeka asked. "My driver is right outside and I could, uhm, make you some tea when we get to your place? Tug you in or something? Whatever it is you do for sick people, I'm really not-"

"Don't worry about it, my car will be here in two minutes," Lu said. Please just leave me the hell alone, was what she thought. She was edging closer and closer to a cliff and she was scared of what would happen when she went over. The only person she once would've tolerated to be near her in a situation like this was also the last person she wanted to see right now.

Rebe trailed her out the door of Val's house and watched her until she got in the car. In a cruel twist of fate, the driver ended up stuck behind an accident for what seemed like eternity to Lu. By the time she finally got home half an hour later, the voice in her head had gotten so loud that she'd cover her ears if she thought it would help at all.

Lu staggered into her apartment and stopped in the kitchen. She was finally alone, she could let go - and she didn't know what she was supposed to do.

Val and Leo were having a baby. Val. And Leo. Were having. A _baby_. The pain in her gut came as suddenly as if someone had actually punched her. She had to hold on to the kitchen counter to stay upright and almost toppled a wine glass that was still there from last night.

It wasn't a conscious decision, really. One moment her hand was steadying the wine glass, the next she had smashed it on the ground. Mercifully, for the first time since Leo's announcement, the pressure in her head relented for a split second. Lu took an unsteady breath, then another one. At this point, she was shaking so badly she could barely stand. But she managed to open the kitchen cabinet closest to her.

***

As soon as Leo's words had left her mouth, cheers erupted. Valerio had never felt worse in his life. In all those moments when he had almost told Lu, this was exactly what he had wanted to avoid. He looked at Lu across the room full of party guests. Her dark eyes bore into his. The last time he had gotten this look of utter betrayal from her, he'd been a dumb 19-year-old and had just lied to her -and himself - about how he didn't love her like that anymore. It would be laughable if it wasn't so devastating. As if he ever could have stopped.

Valerio tried to go after Lu, but people pushed toward him excitedly, wanting to congratulate him. Leo grabbed his hand and tugged him back. "Hey, where are you going?"

He couldn't get a word out, so he just smiled weakly.

After about five minutes, most people who'd wanted to hug Leo and shake his hand had done so. Rebeka came up to him and dragged him aside while Leo was talking to her cousin.

"Did you not tell Lu first? She seemed surprised." Rebe took his silence as confirmation. "Wow." She whistled through her teeth. "Dick move. I thought you two spent an unhealthy amount of time texting each other. It just never came up?"

Valerio was not going to have this conversation right now, standing three feet from his girlfriend, with Rebe of all people. There was a specific reason why he had invited her, and right now, with her standing here chatting with him and Lu nowhere to be seen, things were not going according to his plan - if you could call it that.

"Where is Lu?" Valerio asked.

Rebeka put a hand on his arm and leaned in closer. "Caught her in the bathroom throwing up. She said it was the stomach flu, that she'd been feeling sick since this morning." She raised her eyebrows. "But if you ask me it was 50 percent alcohol, 50 percent shock from your, uh, big news. She called an Uber and left."

Valerio stared at her. "You sent her home by herself?!"

"Listen, don't give me that look. She insisted. And I think she was embarrassed that I had caught her like this in the first place. You, my friend, might wanna call her though." Rebeka patted him on the shoulder, then walked over to Leo to congratulate her, her voice an octave higher than it normally was.

Valerio felt ill himself. He mouthed "One second" to Leo, then took a few steps to the side and called Nadia. She didn't pick up. _Come on come on come on_. He counted to ten and tried again. Finally he could hear her voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey," Nadia said. She sounded surprised, but not like someone who hated his guts. Well, he thought, that was probably about to change. "Valerio, I promise I wasn't ignoring you, I called Lu the other day, it's just that my phone was in my bag and I-"

"I need you to go over to Lu's right now." Valerio could hear her draw in a sharp breath. Then he could tell she was on her feet. He said a quick prayer of thanks in his head for Nadia springing straight into action.

"Why aren't you going yourself? Has she- shit." He heard the clatter of what he was pretty sure was Nadia dropping her keys. "Has she not called you?"

Valerio sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. If he wanted Nadia to be able to help, she needed to know. "It's a long story, but… Leo's pregnant. Lu just found out and she's on her way home, alone, and I just have a bad feeling so-"

"What do you mean 'Lu _found out'_?" Nadia asked. "Did you not tell her?"

Valerio wished he wasn't standing in a room full of people, because he had the strong urge to scream. When he was finally able to open his mouth again to speak at a normal level, Nadia didn't need his reply anymore.

"That is low, even for you," she said and hung up.

Valerio swallowed. It hurt to hear the tone of disdain that was so intimately connected to his father in his head from one of the few people he considered friends.

At least this time, he deserved it.

***

Nadia was drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. She considered calling Guzman for a second, but there was no point in stressing him out when she didn't know yet whether anything was actually wrong. Plus, once she'd tell him what Valerio had just told her, he would get angry, and Laura didn't need that - this trip to Asturias was hard enough for her.

Guzman and his mother were up there to sell his grandparents' home. His grandfather had passed away a few years ago and now his grandmother was moving into a senior residence in Madrid. Guzman and his mother had had several heated discussions over the phone that had lasted into the night until he'd convinced her that it wouldn't make sense to hold on to the house just to go there for a month each summer.

Nadia had barely put the car in park in front of Lu's building before she flew out the door. She rang the bell for Lu's apartment - nothing. When someone walked out the door, Nadia managed to slip into the building. That got her to the front of Lu's door, where she tried ringing again, then knocking. She was just thinking that maybe Lu had gone to a bar instead when she heard something shatter inside.

"Lu?" Nadia started banging on the door. Still no reply. Instead, she could hear something else break. "Lu, open up!"

Nadia was getting frantic. The noise of glass or porcelain breaking was becoming near-constant. But what was worse was the sounds she could hear over the shattering. Lu wasn't just crying. She sounded like someone was inflicting physical pain on her.

"Please open the door, Lu. Come on." Nadia's fists hurt from hammering against the door and her vision was blurry with tears. "Let me in, I'm here, please."

 _Pull yourself together_. Lu wasn't going to open up and Nadia had no illusions about her ability to force the door open action-movie-star style. It was hard for her to think clearly with the sounds coming from inside the apartment, but then she remembered Lu complaining about the owner of the building, who lived on the top floor.

The older woman had let herself into Lu's apartment one day last fall, supposedly to check whether it was affected by a burst pipe in the house next door. "I'm pretty sure she just saw an opportunity to be nosy," Lu had said.

This woman had to have a key.

Nadia sprinted up the stairs. She rang the doorbell three times in quick succession and when a woman in an athleisure suit finally opened the door, Nadia wasted no time.

"Hi. My friend lives on the third floor, Lucrecia Montesinos Hendrich, and she won't open the door for me, but she's in trouble. I need your extra key."

The older woman looked at her skeptically. "Miss Montesinos hasn't told me that it's ok to hand her keys over to anyone else." Her eyes lingered on Nadia's dark curls. "And I don't know you. I can't give you the keys until I have her permission."

Nadia tried to remain calm. She had a feeling this lady was even less likely to help an _angry_ Muslim woman. "I understand that, but we can't ask her for permission right now because she might be hurt."

"Hm." The other woman still wasn't convinced.

"That's why I need the key. To check on her!" Nadia was baffled. Growing up, she'd felt stifled by how her parents' neighbors were always up in her family's (and everyone else's) business, but at least they cared. Had something similar happened in their neighborhood, she would already be inside the apartment in question. Her hands balled into fists.

"You can hear her screaming in the hallway!" she said desperately. "Please, I need your help."

The woman heaved out a sigh, disappeared into her apartment and returned a second later with the key. Nadia barely heard her "I need that back, though" as she ran down the stairs again.

When she finally had the door open, Nadia made her way toward the noises coming from the kitchen. The sight in front of her took her breath away. All cabinet doors were open and the floor was covered in shards of glass and white porcelain. The only color came from the splashes of red here and there. For a brief moment Nadia was confused. Then she stepped fully into the kitchen and saw Lu kneeling in the middle of all the debris in nothing but a short black dress, grabbing for the bigger pieces around her to smash them again, with blood pooling around her bare legs and running from a gash on her left hand. She was sobbing as she was bringing down what was left of a cake platter, the smaller pieces flying everywhere.

"Lu." Nadia stretched out her arms. "Lu, stop!" Her friend didn't acknowledge her presence at all. Only after Nadia had called out to her three more times, Lu glanced up. She looked younger, Nadia thought, in the simple dress and almost all her eye make-up gone.

"Hey," she said softly.

Lu attempted to speak but she could barely get a full sentence out. "He didn't- he didn't tell me… and I just - I can't, I can't-" When Lu started sobbing again and slumped, Nadia winced as if the shards were digging into her own legs, but Lu didn't even seem to notice.

Nadia was by her friend's side in three long strides and squatted down next to her, careful not to put her hands down on the shards that blanketed the floor. She pulled Lu into her arms and kissed her hair. "I know. I know, I'm so sorry."

After a couple of minutes, when Lu wasn't shaking in her arms anymore, Nadia pulled away.

"We need to get you up off the floor, ok? You probably have a few cuts I need to take care of." Nadia stood up, the glass and porcelain crunching under her shoes like freshly fallen snow. She took one of Lu's arms and pulled her into a standing position.

Lu's legs buckled almost immediately and Nadia barely managed to wrap her arm around her waist to prevent her from collapsing on the shards. "No no no, just over to the chair over there, come on." She half dragged Lu to one of the chairs along the dining table.

In what Nadia considered nothing short of miracle, Lu actually had a first aid kit in her bathroom. She took a deep breath - blood was not her strong suit. But no one else was coming. It wasn't like she could call for Omar or her mom to work on Lu's legs. After another deep breath and closing her eyes for a second, Nadia grabbed tweezers and knelt down.

It took her half an hour to get all the small pieces of glass and porcelain out of Lu's legs, and one not so small one that had embedded itself right below Lu's right knee. She saved that one for last. When she finally removed it, it came out with a lot of blood. "Shit!" Nadia grabbed the one small piece of gauze she could reach from her position on the floor from the table and pressed it against the cut. It was soaked in seconds. "Here, Lu, can you…" Nadia assumed Lu would hold the gauze in place while she looked for a real bandage, but she didn't react at all. "Lu!" She grabbed her hand and physically moved it to where she needed it. "Hold this here."

Nadia ignored the wave of nausea passing through her as she quickly wrapped a bandage around Lu's leg as a temporary fix. With that taken care of, she sat back on her heels, closing her eyes. Deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Ok. Ok. _Come on_. Nadia could feel her composure slipping. She didn't want to have to do this alone. She allowed herself one moment of longing for Guzman. Then she got up to pick up the wound disinfectant spray from the table.

She started with the left leg and methodically worked her way down from the knee to the foot, cleaning each and every cut. When she was almost done, Nadia felt Lu shake. She looked up and saw there were tears on her face again. Damn it. She had been so focused on completing the task at hand, on taking all the necessary steps, that she hadn't considered how painful this had to be.

She got up and pushed Lu's hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry it hurts, but not much longer now." When that didn't get any reaction, Nadia added "Really, I'm halfway done already. It's only going to hurt for another few minutes."

Lu opened her eyes that she had had firmly shut ever since Nadia got started. "That's not true," she said flatly.

"What?"

"It won't stop hurting." Lu looked down.

Nadia took her hand, the one that she didn't have to bandage because of the cut, and squeezed it. "I'll kill him," she thought. "This is what I was afraid of." All she said out loud was "I know."

***

Nadia had asked whether Lu wanted to eat something, whether she wanted to talk, but the other girl had shut down completely, refusing to talk at all. At least she let Nadia help her get ready for bed. Once Lu had closed her eyes, Nadia went to the kitchen to get her friend a glass of water. When she saw all the shards on the floor, she realized her faulty thinking. A giggle worked its way up her throat, but instead of giving in and just collapsing on the couch in hysteric fits of laughter, Nadia took a small bottle of Diet Coke from the fridge, poured it out in the sink and filled it with water.

Then she looked around.

The ruins of the afternoon were everywhere: the kitchen floor was covered in broken glass and porcelain, the mess of bloody bandages was still on the table.

 _Whatever_. Nadia was too tired to deal with any of it. With no immediate task that needed her attention for the first time since she had walked into this madness, she let go of the tight rein she'd had on her emotions. She wasn't angry at Valerio, she realized - she was furious.

Good thing there was literally nothing left to smash in Lu's kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sure all of us have had that moment of “I want to smash something right now just to hear it break.” Not saying I recommend Lu’s actions as a coping mechanism, but you know, on a smaller scale...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned on a Christmassy interlude in time for the holidays, but I am one chapter behind - meaning you'll get something festive in January, when all the Christmas decorations have been packed away, and a regular chapter now. Oh well!

_Two weeks earlier cont'd._

Carla was elated. It was past 11pm by the time she managed to escape the conference-sponsored drinks for participants and speakers on Saturday, but despite the long day, she wasn't tired at all. "Let's go out!" She pulled on Samuel's arm. "Come on, just one drink. No wine, I promise!"

Samu's eyes had shown with pride when she'd given her speech during dinner, but when she'd looked up from the notes she was taking on her phone about what the speaker after her was saying (hey, she was meticulous), they had glazed over. Her boyfriend had spent the day surfing. But Carla knew that even getting through one dinner with this crowd was a lot when your answer to the question "What kind of wine do you prefer?" consisted of a plain "red."

Her fingers caressed the nape of his neck and with her brightest smile she offered "Cocktails at that cute bar from yesterday?" Samu laughed. _Yes_. Carla knew that he didn't stand a chance when she wore that smile.

"It would be a crime not to take you out in this dress," he whispered in her ear, his hand going under her blazer and resting on her bare back, making her shiver. "I don't think anyone at this dinner really appreciated it. Maybe you should’ve told them that you're not only a wine-genius, but that you can also pull together a perfect outfit in under 90 minutes when your boyfriend's cologne ruins Plan A."

They'd made it down the street and Carla pushed Samu up against the stone wall next to the bar's entrance. She kissed him slowly and he pulled her closer. This time, his hand didn't stop on her back, but went down the artful cut-out to cup her ass. Her breath hitched. Then she pulled back. "I do still want that drink," she said with a cocked head and a smirk.

Once they were seated at the bar, Carla pulled out her phone to text Lu. She smiled again at the photo of her and Rebeka that her best friend had sent earlier in the night. Carla doubted she could ever truly be friends with Rebe - too much had happened. But she knew how excited Lu had to have been about the surprise visit by Las Encinas' very own pop star.

 _"Killed the speech!"_ She and Lu didn't do fake modesty. _"Pretty sure I got at least two new buyers. And thanks again for your help with the dress, it's great."_ Carla hit send, then followed up with a selfie for proof. _"Samu says thank you, too,"_ she added with a winking emoji.

Carla waited a couple of seconds, just to see whether Lu happened to have her phone out and would reply right away. Considering she was at a party with Valerio and Rebeka, chances were pretty high. There was probably no group of people on the planet who could take more selfies in one night than those three. But her message remained Sent, not Read, so Carla put her phone away. 

Lu still hadn't read it by the time Carla had to leave for breakfast Sunday morning. Odd, Carla thought - but maybe Lu had already put her phone away drunk by the time she had texted her last night and was still hung over now. Carla wouldn't be up at 10am by choice either, but their group was leaving for their first vineyard outside of town at 10:30 and she wanted to get something in her stomach before a day of wine tasting where, unlike tradition dictated, hardly anyone would be spitting out much wine.

By the time the group arrived at the third vineyard in the afternoon, Carla couldn't focus on what the owner was telling them, and it wasn't because of the wine. She had missed several rounds at the last place because she'd checked her phone so frequently. Still no reply from Lu, and it was nearing 2pm now.

With anyone else, Carla wouldn't worry, but Lu was the one person who was usually as glued to her phone as Carla herself. Sure, sometimes hours passed before she'd reply, when she was at work, watching a movie or having a serious conversation with a friend. But a night of partying (and the recovery the morning after) was prime phone time for Lu and she still hadn't even read her text.

Carla excused herself and stepped outside to call Samuel. He had still been asleep when she'd gotten up (their night had been pretty short) and she thought she remembered him mumbling he was just going to chill on the beach right before she left.

He picked up after the second ring and sounded so relaxed Carla immediately felt calmer. Not by much though. "I'm probably being paranoid for no reason." She sighed. "Maybe my phone is just being weird. Can you reply to this text I'm sending you now?" A few seconds later she had the reply from Samu. "Huh. That's not it."

"Maybe she dropped her phone in the toilet," he suggested. "Or, you know, maybe she decided to cut down on screen time and is out on a walk or something."

Carla snorted and could practically hear Samuel smile through the phone. "Relax, I'm sure it's fine. Enjoy all that fascinating wine talk, Lu's probably going to text the second you put your phone away."

Lu still hadn't read her text when she got back to the hotel at 5pm. By that time, Carla had tried calling as well, to no avail.

"The last time she posted on Instagram was that shot of her and Rebe she sent me, and that was at 9 last night!" Carla was pacing back and forth in their room. "Don't look at me like I'm crazy! You know how she is, you know this is weird!"

Samuel put his hands up. "You're not crazy. I texted her, too, and got nothing. Did you try Valerio?"

"Not yet," Carla pulled up his contact, "but I'm doing that right now." When he didn't pick up either, she was ready to throw her phone across the room.

Samu walked up to her and she let herself get lost in his hug for a second. Then Carla was back on task. "Ok, I'm going to stalk his Insta, you do Rebe's."

Valerio had posted a weirdly small number of shots from his own party. Out of desperation more than any real hope for info on Lu, Carla moved on to Leo - and almost dropped her phone.

"Holy shit."

On Monday afternoon Carla was in front of Lu's door. She and Samuel had nixed their plan of spending the rest of the day and an additional night in Santander after the conference's closing remarks over breakfast. Well, _she_ had nixed that plan, really, but it had taken Samu only one look at her to understand they would not have a carefree day exploring the Palacio de la Magdalena and gorging themselves on tapas at Plaza de Cañadίo.

So less than 24 hours after she had found out that Valerio was going to be a dad ( _"just a party" my ass_ ), Carla was repeatedly jamming her finger on Lu's doorbell. After three minutes of constant ringing, she could finally hear Lu's voice through the intercom.

"Val, if you don't leave me alone, I'm going to call the police, I swear to fucking Go-"

"It's me." Carla managed to interrupt the yelling.

There was a solid five seconds of silence on the other end. Then: "Carla? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just checking whether you're _alive_! Open the fucking door, Lu."

"Ok, I'll… uh, give me a minute."

The intercom went dead. Carla turned around to signal Samu that he could go home, fully intent on making sure that Lu would actually let her in. Five minutes later, the door buzzed and Carla made her way upstairs.

Lu was waiting for her in the doorway wearing a pair of loose pink sweatpants, an item of clothing Carla hadn't known her friend even owned.

"There." Lu turned to her once they were in the living room. "Alive and well. Happy now?"

Carla huffed out a breath. "Liar."

She openly let her eyes roam from the sweatpants to Lu's puffy face to her hair, which she'd clearly made an effort to fix with the side ponytail, but which just as clearly hadn't been washed in two days. The only time Carla had ever seen that was when Lu had had the flu after she'd first moved back to Madrid. And back then, she'd called her, insisting that Carla come over to help her wash her hair so she wouldn't feel like a "fucking hobo," a fever of 39 C be damned.

"What happened to your hand?" Carla decided to focus on the obvious first. Lu wouldn't look at her when she told her that Rebeka had broken a glass at Val's party and she had cut herself while helping to clean it up. It was so blatantly a lie that Carla didn't bother pointing it out. "Right. Is that why you couldn't reply to any of my messages or answer my calls?" She didn't bother to keep her voice down, either. "Did it hurt to lift the fucking phone?"

When she saw Lu slumped on the couch, her only reply a shrug, Carla felt bad. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down, then sat down next to her.

"How are you? I saw Leo's post about the baby."

Lu's lips were pressed into a thin line and her bandage-free hand was holding on to a couch cushion so tightly Carla thought her nails might poke holes in it.

"Did you know?" she asked carefully, even though she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

"No, Val didn't tell me." Lu briefly looked at Carla before staring straight ahead again. "He tried to a couple of times, I think, but he didn't. Finding out at that stupid party… it wasn't great."

For a moment they just sat on the couch like that, Lu clutching the pillow and Carla with a hand on her arm, trying to catch up. "I don't get it," she said finally. "Why would he not tell you something this big? He must have known for months, that's crazy."

"Yes, he knew for months, and every single time we were together he decided not to say anything. I'm aware of that, thank you, Carla!"

Just like that, Carla could feel a wall go up between them when Lu pulled her arm away. She apologized, even though she wasn't sure what for.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter," Lu said.

Carla was still perplexed. What was she missing?

Lu meanwhile had switched from upset to full on angry. "I just don't get it! Like, with Leo, seriously? Val doesn't even like blondes!"

 _Ok, weird_. But generally, this was something Carla could work with. "Yeah, she thinks she's so smart with her legal talk, but doesn't realize she bores us all to tears."

"Exactly!" Lu jumped up. "And she is so fucking clingy. She doesn't want Val to do anything she doesn't approve of, it's ridiculous! He's a grown man, he doesn't need to ask you for permission!"

She went into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of vodka. 

This was not going the way Carla had planned. She still felt there was something that Lu wasn't telling her, that there was a curtain between them that she couldn't fully see behind.

"Lu, wait. Before we start drinking, can we talk, for real?"

There was a thud as Lu set the bottle down and crossed her arms. The glance she threw Carla made it clear she wanted to do anything but that.

"Why didn't you answer my calls? Did something happen? I mean, something else, after the party? I feel like you're not-"

"I turned off my phone." Lu uncrossed her arms to open the vodka, which, as Carla noticed, also meant there was no eye contact possible. She opened her mouth but before she could get a word of disbelief out, Lu continued talking.

"I didn't want to talk to Val and he kept calling, so I turned it off."

"But that was Saturday night! It's Monday evening, you're telling me-"

"I love you, but will you please shut up and grab the plastic cups from the counter?" Carla wasn't ready to give up, but neither was Lu, apparently. "Val got his fucking girlfriend pregnant and didn't tell me, Carla. I need this. Please."

There was a pleading look in Lu's eyes that made Carla heave out a sigh - "fine" - and get the plastic cups.

"What happened to your real ones?" Carla asked holding them up. "Didn't you have these nice shot glasses we found at-"

"I didn't like them anymore. I got rid of them and ordered new ones, but they haven't arrived yet."

Half an hour later, they were so drunk that Carla had fallen off the couch twice, once in a fit of laughter and once trying to reach her cup on the coffee table.

"I hate her perfume!" Carla raised her glass and was pretty proud of herself for thinking of another thing she disliked about Leo after the long list they had already compiled.

She thought that they had already gone over Lu's next contribution, that Leo couldn't dance "for shit," but at this point, Carla wasn't sure, so she just nodded emphatically. She had to think for a second, but then came up with the fact that Valerio's girlfriend didn't "respect good wine."

"Samu doesn't know anything either, but at least he appreciates what I bring home from work. Do you remember my birthday? Leo told me to my face that she couldn't tell the difference between my Tempranillo and a five-Euro bottle from Mercadona. I wanted to strangle her!"

Now Lu was laughing so hard she had to set down her cup. Just when Carla thought she had won whatever this game was, Lu sat up straighter and tried to stop giggling.

"Ok, ok, I got one. You cannot tell anyone I told you this though! She, she…" Lu was still laughing. "Sorry. She makes this weird high-pitched sound when she comes."

"Oh my God!" Carla's mouth was hanging open. "No! How do you even know this? Why is your brother telling you about his sex life? Gross!"

Lu stopped laughing. She managed to get up without swaying too much and grabbed the bottle and both their cups. "This was fun, but I'm tired. If you want to stay over, you know where everything is." She looked over her shoulder at Carla with a small smile. "Good night. And thank you."

Carla's head was spinning, from the abrupt end to the night, but mostly from the vodka. She sat up slowly and when the room started spinning, decided she was definitely not going anywhere anymore. How had she gotten this drunk? It was probably Lu's fault. Yeah, the vodka had been Lu's idea, right? But what, Carla tried to remember, had _her_ plan for the night been? There was a reason she had shown up at Lu's in the first place, but she couldn't think of it. She closed her eyes. No more thinking tonight.

***

Valerio had somehow managed to get through the rest of the party on autopilot. He'd been surreptitiously checking his phone all night and was ready to tear his hair out by the time the last guests had left and neither Lu nor Nadia had replied to his texts. Seeing how happy Leo was and having to fake his joy only added to his misery.

He shook his head and tried to focus on the here and now. "Hey." He stopped Leo on her way into the kitchen with a couple of glasses she had picked up and pulled her close. "You don't have to do that. I can get those. Why don't you go to bed and I'll join you in a minute?"

Leo turned around and kissed him with her hand on his cheek. When she pulled away, she looked at him with a mix of concern and disappointment. "Are you happy?"

 _Damn_. Valerio had thought he'd faked it pretty well, but apparently Leo saw more than he gave her credit for. "Of course. What makes you ask that?"

Leo shrugged. "It's just, you left me hanging with the announcement, and-"

"I got choked up and I was worried I was going to cry in front of your friends." That earned Valerio a grin. But it left Leo's face quickly. She looked down and tried to pull away, but Valerio held her in place. "What? Hey, look at me. What else?"

She sighed. "I can tell you're upset about something. Is it because of Lu?"

Time came to a sudden halt, or at least that's what it felt like for Valerio. Before he could say anything, Leo started again.

"I know how important she is to you and today didn't go great, right?"

"Leo-"

"Tell me, and be honest: Was she really sick? Or did she storm off right after we told everyone because she hates me?"

Valerio ran his hand through his hair and huffed out a breath. "Leonor, for the millionth time, Lu doesn't hate you."

Leo leaned back against the kitchen counter and hugged her arms close to her body. "She didn't seem too jazzed that I'm having her brother's baby, either."

Shit, Valerio realized, she really is upset about this. "Lu ran out to throw up in our guest bathroom," he said. "Of course she didn't look happy. Rebe said she took an Uber home, and then she probably went straight to bed. I told you, she was happy when I told her." His head started hurting.

"I just really want her on board with this." Leo looked up at him with her big grey eyes and Valerio's insides clenched. He tried to reassure Leo that Lu was totally, absolutely, very much on board. If he had a Euro for every lie he'd ever told her, he'd be the richest asshole in town.

As promised, he cleaned up most of the party mess before he joined Leo in bed. He thought she was already asleep, but then she turned toward him.

"Lu is important to you," she whispered. "You're important to me. So she's important to me. I've made my peace with never knowing why you two don't talk to your parents anymore, but Lu is very much still a part of your- of our family. She is the only family from your side that our child will grow up around. That's why this matters to me so much."

If they talked about this for another minute, Valerio was sure he was going to jump out the bedroom window. He mumbled an "I get it," then pushed his hand under her t-shirt and started kissing her. Leo fell asleep right after they finished, but Valerio was almost certain he wouldn't get any sleep tonight. Earlier he had betrayed Lu in the worst way possible and now he'd been lying, again, to the future mother of his child. Hurting the two most important women in his life, all in a night's work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still rewatching Elite with a couple of friends I introduced to the show recently, but I'm aware that the fandom is shrinking. So THANK YOU to everyone who is still reading, leaving kudos and commenting, especially considering how slow I am with the updates.  
> Merry Christmas and may you have a happy, healthy New Year!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the Christmas chapter! A couple of weeks late, but extra-long.

_One week earlier_

Lu was in bed when her phone rang. It was five days till Christmas and over night, Madrid had even gotten a little snow. Despite the layer of powdered sugar outside, Lu had never felt less Christmas-y in her life. The last time she'd been able to play the part of a regular person who didn't want to scream their lungs out or, when that seemed too much effort, dissolve into a cloud of nothingness, had been when Carla had stopped by a few days ago. She had woken up with a hangover the next morning and it had never really left her. At least that's what it felt like.

The caller ID on the screen sent the faintest spark through her, though. Lu had gotten used to Nadia, Guzman and Carla calling her since The Party and… whatever happened after. She was fuzzy on the details and had to go off of what Nadia told her. If it wasn't for the cuts, some of which still hurt like a bitch, and the fact that she didn't own a single plate, mug or fucking shot glass anymore, she would've called Nadia's account over-dramatic. As it were, she had shrugged when Nadia had asked her where she wanted to order to restock her kitchen and had let her take care of everything.

Since then, her friends kept up a pretty steady stream of messages and phone calls that Lu had developed a system for. She replied to Carla's texts mostly with emojis and picked up every third or fourth call from Nadia and Guzman - just enough to have them believe she wasn't spending her days in a chemically-assisted daze staring at her wall, trying not to think. After two days of constantly texting and trying to call her, Val had finally gotten the message and only sent her one text a day anymore, usually at night and always a variation of "Lu, please talk to me. I love you."

But this wasn't one of her friends or Val. Lu sat up to answer her phone. "Laura, hi." Since time had passed without her really noticing, she had forgotten about one of her favorite Christmas traditions.

"Lu, how are you? It feels like I haven't seen you in forever. Only on TV, but…" Guzman's mother faltered a bit. "Anyway, I wanted to check whether we are on for tomorrow. Guzman was kind enough to come by and put up the tree today, even though he complained and grunted the entire time."

Lu managed a weak laugh. She was still dizzy from sitting up too quickly.

"Now it's waiting to be decorated!" Lu could hear Laura's bright smile through the phone. "But if you're… Guzman mentioned you weren't feeling a hundred percent, so if you don't…" Now she could hear the smile fading.

"No, no." Lu cleared her throat. "I'll be there, you know I wouldn't miss this for the world." To her own surprise, she found that she meant it. "I just… there was this silly accident, you know how I am in the kitchen, and my legs are still a little banged up."

"Oh honey, say no more. You can direct me from the couch and I'll do the trimming under your expert supervision."

Lu's eyes welled up. She found herself longing for the warmth she could hear in Laura's voice. "I look forward to it. See you tomorrow."

**** Lu's and Nadia's sophomore year at Columbia**

The first Christmas she and Nadia flew back from New York, Lu told her friend about the tree trimming date she and Laura had every year. Her voice was hesitant- it felt like she was on thin ice, with all the history between them. She wanted to give Nadia a veto right, but at the same time she really, really hoped the other girl wouldn't use it.

Rather unexpectedly, decorating a tree with Guzman's mother, of all people, had become one of the things she most looked forward to each December. It had started when she was 14, the first Christmas she had been dating Guzman. When Laura had learned Lu's father hired a professional decorator to do their tree, she had invited Lu over to decorate theirs. Guzman had stuck around for five minutes and then escaped, and Marina had decided that at 14, she was extremely over tree trimming.

For three years, Lu loved going over to Guzman's to decorate with his mother. Then came senior year, her worst Christmas ever, followed by hers and Nadia's first Christmas in New York freshman year, when they hadn't yet saved up enough for flights back to Madrid over the holidays. Now that they were almost back in Spain, Lu longed to see Laura again, but she would leave the final decision up to Nadia.

"Are you sure you're ok with this?" Lu turned away from the plane window and looked at her friend. "You don't mind me trimming the tree with your boyfriend's mom?"

Nadia laughed. "Lu, I truly do not care. I don't even celebrate Christmas and Laura loves doing this with you, from what I've heard."

So do I, Lu thought.

It wasn't like she had ever shared anything like this with her own mother, even before they cut all ties.

**** Christmas in Norway. Lu is 8, Valerio is about to turn 10.**

It was still snowing. Lu knew that her mom hated the cold winter weather- that was hard to miss, the way she complained to her dad whenever she thought she and Val wouldn't hear. Lu wasn't sure about the details, only that they wouldn't go home to Mexico for the holidays because her dad had just started his posting in Oslo, and that her mom was mad about it.

When she had asked Valerio about it, he'd scoffed. "Your mom isn't mad about being stuck here, Lu. She's mad all the time because _I'm_ here."

Lu had resolutely shaken her head. That obviously couldn't be right. This was the first time that she got to spend more than a few days at a time with her half-brother (their dad wanted them to drop the half because "family is family," but her mom insisted it was important to be correct about these things), and in the two months since their arrival in Norway, Lu had decided Valerio was the coolest person in the entire world. 

She wanted to get him something really cool for Christmas, too, which was the reason she was going through his drawers right now. Lu knew she had to be quick, because Val didn't want her in his room if he wasn't there. She had just found what she was looking for when the door flew open.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Lu hid her treasure behind her back and nodded along with Val's yelling. "I told you not to go into my room! Get out or I'm telling dad!"

She mumbled "Sorry, I was just looking," and scooted past him.

On Christmas Eve Lu impatiently waited for Val to open her present. She only got distracted when her mother handed her a flat box with the words "something special, I think you're old enough to appreciate this now." Her small hands tore at the paper, opened the jewelry box - and then Lu gasped. Inside was a beautiful bracelet that sparkled in the light. She took it out and looked at the blinding white stone pendant in awe.

"That's a real diamond, princess," her mother told her as she fastened the bracelet around her wrist. "You can only wear it on special occasions. Look how beautiful it looks!"

She thought she heard her dad say "ridiculous" under his breath, but Lu didn't care. She hugged her mom tightly and only let go at the pained "Lucrecia, you're wrinkling my blouse."

When the time finally came, she gave Val his present and held her breath. He tore it open and whooped when he saw what was inside.

"This is so awesome! Where did you find one that looks exactly like my old one?"

Lu felt like she was floating - he liked it! For weeks, ever since his old Gameboy had died, she had heard Val beg their dad for a new one. And for weeks, their dad's answer had been the same.

"No one sells those old things anymore, Valerio. You should read more, anyway."

Now Val smiled at her so widely that her insides were all gooey. She practically skipped over to him and sat at his feet. "That _is_ your old one," she told him. "I took it from your room the other day. I'm sorry! But Jan said his older sister could fix Gameboys so I brought it to school and he took it home and she looked at it and she really could fix it! She says it works better now than it did before."

Before she knew what was happening, Val had enveloped her in a hug. "Best present ever," he whispered in her ear. Lu never wanted Christmas to end.

The next morning, she was in tears. Her mom was yelling at her, her dad was yelling at her mom and Val sat mutely in a corner. Lu had gone outside to build a snowman in their giant backyard in the morning. She had forgotten that she had put on her bracelet earlier to see how the diamond reflected the light every time she turned her wrist. And now the bracelet was gone.

"I'm sorry," Lu cried again. "I, I forgot I was wearing it, I'm sorry, mom, maybe we can, maybe…" At this point she was hiccupping so hard she could barely talk anymore. "Maybe we can still find it if we go outside and look for it! I'm really sorry, mom, really, I didn't mean to-"

Her mom lowered her voice and fixed her with the cold stare that Lu hated. "It. Is. Snowing. Outside. Right now! How do you expect to find anything out there, let alone a small bracelet? I should have never trusted you with something this valuable."

Her father loudly said he had been against the idea from the start. Lu was full-on sobbing. She knew that her parents didn't like "this sort of behavior," but she couldn't help it. Val walked over and put an arm around her shoulder. His voice only shook the tiniest bit when he said "Hey, she didn't do it on purpose."

Her mom whipped around, looking like she had been waiting for Val to open his mouth. There was more yelling. By the time Lu was sent up to her room, she was glad to get away. She couldn't escape her parents' voices, though. Fragments of their argument were audible through the walls. Her mom was "sick of being stuck in this frozen tundra." Lu was pretty sure she also caught something about her and Val giving her mom headaches, "him especially. I still can't believe you had _her child_ move here with us." Her dad was quieter so Lu couldn't make out what he was saying, but he first sounded like he was sorry and then, when the yelling continued, tired and frustrated.

***

When Valerio came downstairs the next morning, there were two suitcases in the hall. Lu's mom was putting on her coat, their dad, already fully dressed, walked toward the stairs and ran into him.

"Oh good, you're awake already," he said before yelling "Lucrecia, come down here." 

When the two of them stood next to each other in the hallway in their pjs, eyes still bleary, their dad explained that they were leaving on a short trip.

"Your mothe-" He caught himself, briefly looking at Valerio and then at his wife. "Marisol needs a break, so we're going to see friends on Sicily. We'll be back by the time you start school again. Marie-Angela can't come in until tonight because she technically has Christmas Day off, but she'll be here in time to make you dinner. And then she'll move into her room here again. Now, be good. I don't want to hear about any trouble."

 _What?_

Lu seemed just as shocked as him.

"No!" She ran up to her mom. "We still haven't baked cookies! You _said_ we'd do that during break. It's Christmas, you can't leave!"

Valerio's hands curled into fists as he heard his half-sister cry. Marisol merely patted her head, pushed her away - and then they were gone. 

He tried his best to comfort Lu, who kept repeating she was sorry about the bracelet and that they should go outside and look for it until Valerio couldn't take it anymore.

"You are so dumb!" It broke out of him and he was sorry the second he saw the look on Lu's face. But he couldn't stop. "It's not about your stupid bracelet! And it's freaking freezing outside, we're not gonna dig through the snow for something we can't find anyway. You'll have to wait until it melts in a few weeks. Why don't you watch TV or something?"

Valerio started heading upstairs. "And don't come into my room!"

An hour later he lowered his Gameboy, looked outside and sighed. He felt bad about yelling at Lu. Marisol despised him, and his father, Valerio was pretty sure, didn't care too much about him either. But with Lu he had lucked out in the little sister department. He looked at the Gameboy in his hand and grinned. He wasn't going to come out and apologize to Lu, but that didn't mean they couldn't have fun together with the house all to themselves.

"Lu?" he called out sticking his head out the door. When he didn't get a reply, he went over to her room to check. She wasn't there. He couldn't hear the big TV playing in the living-room, either. Where was she? 

"Lu, we can hang out in my room now if you want." Still no reply. He made his way downstairs and checked the living-room, the library and the kitchen. Nothing. And then his gaze drifted to the backyard. There, in the furthest back corner by the snowman, was a small shape the color of Lu's obnoxious pink winter coat. The shape was on the ground and Valerio didn't see it moving.

His heart went cold.

He dashed over to the patio door. "Lu! LU!" She still didn't move. Valerio ran back to the front of the house, pulled on his boots and the first coat that fell into his hands, and rushed out into the yard. The snow was falling heavily now and got into his eyes. When he made it to Lu, he threw himself to the ground next to her. She was moving, he could see from up close - she was shivering. There were small valleys in the snow around her where it looked like Lu had been digging.

Valerio pulled her up by the shoulders. "What are you doing?" he shouted. "For how long have you been out here?"

When she looked up at him, he could see that her lips were blue. Her teeth were chattering so badly he didn't understand all of what she was saying, but he could make out "bracelet." Valerio wanted to scream. 

Lu's soft whimpering brought him back. "Ok, we need to go back inside. Come on, Lulu." He reached for her hands to pull her up. That's when he saw she was only wearing one glove. Her left hand looked grey and felt like the ice sculpture at his dad's welcome party at the embassy that he had touched when no one had been looking. He blinked once. Then he hoisted her up and made his way through the snow back to the house.

Once inside Lu still didn't stop shaking after he had ripped off her coat and shoes, deposited her on the couch and covered her with a blanket. Valerio tried asking her why she had only been wearing one glove, but she couldn't speak, only made those small noises that were scaring him.

He didn't know what to do and he wanted his dad. _No crying. No crying!_ He jumped up and ran over to the table to grab his phone. He was only allowed to use it for emergency calls (and for games), but this was definitely an emergency. "Come on come on come on." But his dad didn't pick up.

Valerio couldn't stop a few tears from falling. He and Lu were alone and he was older, so he was in charge, but he didn't know what to do to help her. Do _something_ , a voice in his head screamed. _Anything!_ He started rubbing her hand the way he had seen in that documentary about mountain climbers. Was that enough? What did he do when he was cold after hockey practice at school?

When the lightbulb went off over his head, Valerio jumped up so quickly that he knocked a glass off the coffee table. He didn't pay it any mind. With some effort he managed to drag Lu off the couch and up the stairs into the bathroom, where he took off their clothes until they were both in t-shirts and underwear. It still freaked him out how cold Lu felt, all over, not just her scary-looking hand.

"Ok, turning on the water now," he told her after maneuvering the two of them into the shower. When the hot stream hit her, she yelped and tried to pull away, but he didn't let her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but this will help. Sit still!"

Eventually, her skin began feeling less icy and the color slowly returned to her hand. It had to hurt though- she was crying, Valerio noticed with dismay. She was saying something, too.

"Mommy, I want mommy," she whimpered. "It hurts. Where is mom?"

Valerio pulled her close and let the water run over them. "She's not here," he said. "But I am. I'm here. I got you. It's you and me, Lulu. I got you. Promise."

Later, when they were cuddled up in his bed, Lu told him about going outside to look for the bracelet, how she had lost a glove but didn't want to stop looking because she thought that if she found the bracelet, they could call her mom and tell her and then she'd come home. "Please don't tell on me," she said in a small voice. "I don't want mom and dad to get mad."

If he said a single word now, Lu would be able to tell how mad _he_ was, but not at her. So instead, Valerio just nodded and rested his chin on top of her head. A few minutes later, both kids were asleep.

**** Marina's last Christmas. Lu is 16.**

Lu adjusted her headband and checked herself in her pocket mirror one last time before she rang Guzman's bell. She was pretty sure that Marina would make fun of the satin red bow in her hair, but she had stopped caring what that wannabe rebel thought ages ago. Spending time with Marina occasionally was part of dating Guzman, and when their parents were around, Lu made sure to be polite and behave appropriately (unlike Marina). But she had no illusion about the fact that her boyfriend's sister didn't like her, and knew how she felt about her, too.

Well, she was dating Guzman, not Marina. Lu was going to do her best to make this Christmas Eve, the first she and Guzman got to spend together, special. Hopefully Marina would make an effort to-

Guzman opened the door with a pained face and the first thing Lu heard was Ventura shouting "You will apologize to your mother right now, Marina!" 

_Guess not._

"Thank God you're here, it's been fucking crazy today," Guzman said with a frustrated sigh.

Lu preened, but quickly caught herself. She probably shouldn't be excited about her boyfriend's family issues. But hey, he was happy to see her.

"Oh Bonbon, I'm sorry." She pulled him in for a kiss. "Here, why don't you take the presents?"

Lu picked up the large canvas bag she had dropped and handed it to Guzman.

"Lu, what the hell? We said no gifts!"

She stared at him. "I didn't think you had actually meant that!"

"What did you _think_ I meant when I said- you know what, forget it. Come in."

Just as he pulled her in, Marina ran past them. She briefly stopped, let out an "ugh, great" when she saw Lu and proceeded up the stairs. "And a merry Christmas to you, too," Lu said dryly.

In the kitchen, Laura was sitting at the table downing a glass of wine, with Ventura pacing behind her. Lu put on her best Charm the Parents smile. "Good evening!"

Ventura shook her hand with a forced joviality, but Laura seemed genuinely glad she was there, Lu thought. When she saw the presents, she looked at Guzman. "Do you have something for your girlfriend, love? Didn't you tell me there'd be no gifts? Well," she winked at Lu conspiratorially, "thank goodness I prepared for this eventuality. Never trust men to handle things like that."

Lu smiled. Then she saw Guzman roll his eyes. She backpedaled that they really had agreed, she just wanted to show her gratitude for the invitation, but Lu could tell that he had checked out of the conversation. Her smile dropped.

Things didn't continue much better. Marina came back downstairs eventually and while there was no more screaming, the mood was tense. Lu tried to keep the conversation going, talked to Ventura about a literacy initiative that her dad was setting up in Mexico and mentioned how excited her and Guzman were about the project the two of them were working on together in art class. She ignored Marina's scoff, and the fact that Guzman only grunted in approval. She also praised the Christmas cookies she was offered, probably slightly overenthusiastically, but at that point she was getting desperate.

When Ventura and Laura were in the kitchen, Lu started kissing Guzman - she was doing most of the work here, too, although she could tell by the way his grip on her waist tightened that at least this effort might be successful. Then Marina dropped onto the couch right next to them.

"That's really the only way to shut you up, isn't it?"

Lu tore herself away from Guzman and faced Marina - she was done with her bullshit. "Listen, darling, you're sitting in a mansion without a fucking care in the world, with a family who is doing nothing but trying to have a nice Christmas. And you seem to be doing your best to stop that from happening. Would it kill you to show your mom a little respect?"

Marina laughed, but there was a bite to it. "Oh, I think mom is just fine. She has you, right? You're more than happy to play perfect daughter, with the tree decorating and the presents and everything. You even managed to get yourself invited today with that sob story of being home alone on Christmas Eve. Congratulations!"

Lu pressed her lips together. She had told Laura that her dad and Valerio were only flying in tomorrow when the older woman had asked about her plans during the tree trimming three days ago. She hadn't been angling for an invitation. Well, she hadn't planned on it, anyway, before Laura had brought it up. It only occurred to her now, seeing the way Guzman raised his eyebrows and looked away, that maybe she should have talked to her boyfriend before accepting his mother's invitation. But why shouldn't she spend Christmas Eve at his house? This was their third Christmas together!

"If you keep pinching your face like that it'll give you wrinkles," she told Marina. "I didn't have to 'get myself invited' here - Guzman and I are together. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but you don't get a vote on it. Honestly, I don't understand why you're so angry all the time. Maybe try smiling every now and then. Or is that too bourgeois for you?"

"Of course you don't understand why I'm angry!" Suddenly Marina was shouting. "You have no idea-"

Guzman had jumped to his feet next to her. "Marina, don't!"

Before Lu could ask for an explanation, Laura came in to tell them dinner was ready.

At least her presents were a success. Ventura whistled quietly when Lu gave him the Mexican tequila she'd been saving for this exact moment. Laura fawned over the black-and-gold Dior bag Lu had spent hours picking out. Marina merely managed a stunned "Oh" at the reproduction of a Degas sketchbook containing early versions of the Impressionist's famous ballet dancers. Only Guzman's reaction left something to be desired in Lu's eyes. All she got for the VIP Aitana concert tickets was a short "Thanks, babe" and a kiss on the cheek. He seemed to be angry, but Lu couldn't figure out what she'd done wrong.

Before Laura served dessert, Lu checked her phone and saw that her father had tried to call. She double-checked the time and was confused - he should be on a plane right now. With a pleasant smile, Lu excused herself and went into the living room to call him back.

When he told her he was still in Mexico City because there had been an issue with the jet a friend let him use, Lu couldn't believe her ears. "So you won't be here tomorrow morning? Can't you just get on a regular flight?"

"Lucrecia, please be an adult about this," her father said sharply. "You know how I feel about flying commercial. I'll let you know when they fixed the problem and I have a better idea of when I will be home."

Lu sat on the couch too stunned to move for a second. Then it dawned on her that if her dad wasn't coming… She couldn't help but let out a small cry, then called Val. He was livid. Apparently, their father had only let him know minutes ago that he would not be picking him up in Santiago, a detour the ambassador had previously insisted on.

"Lu, I had no idea either. I'm trying to get on a flight that's going anywhere in Spain, but with the holidays, everything is booked. I'll swim if I have to, but I won't make it by tomorrow."

The walk back into the dining room felt like she was trudging through jello. Lu made an effort to act like nothing was wrong, but Laura saw through her in seconds. When she had gotten the full story out of her, Laura's mouth hung open for a moment. But she collected herself quickly, with a decisive "Of course you'll stay with us!"

Guzman's forced smile and his quick kiss on her cheek made Lu feel worse than if he'd outright asked her to leave. She tried to refuse, but Laura wouldn't have it.

Coming back from the bathroom a few minutes later, Lu could hear Guzman's parents argue in the kitchen. "I just don't think we need a house guest right now, with everything our family is going through," Ventura said in a barely constrained whisper.

Lu heard Laura set her glass down. "Ventura, I am not sending her home to an empty house. She is 16! What kind of parent leaves their child alone on Christmas?" 

The question hit Lu like a slap. As quietly as she could, she turned around and walked back into the living-room, where she had left her purse. She was just making sure that her phone was in it when she heard steps behind her. Lu quickly wiped her cheeks before she turned around. This was humiliating enough already. 

Marina was looking at her, arms crossed but her face more open than Lu had seen it all night. "What are you doing?"

"I should go," Lu said. She picked up her bag and tried to get around Marina to pick up her coat, but the other girl wouldn't let her pass. Lu threw her hands up in frustration. If she didn't get out quickly, Marina would see her cry. _Marina_. That couldn't happen. "Will you let me through? I really should go. You don't want me here, your dad isn't happy and Guzman can't wait for me to leave."

Marina sighed. "Bullshit." In one fluid motion, she took Lu's bag from her and threw it back on the couch. "Text your dad that you're staying with us."

Lu was so surprised that she could only do as she was told. When she came back into the dining room, she saw Marina and Guzman talking - mostly Marina. When they saw her, Marina shoved her brother and he walked over to her.

"I'm sorry Valerio and your dad aren't coming," he told Lu honestly, taking both her hands. "Will you please stay with us? With me?"

For the first time since she'd gotten to Guzman's, Lu felt like she could exhale - like it was actually Christmas. As soon as she nodded, Guzman leaned down to kiss her. They only broke apart when Laura cleared her throat.

"I thought it might be nice to go to midnight mass," she said. "Be ready to leave in an hour."

"We don't go to church all year, mom!" Marina jumped at the chance for another discussion. "I am not going along with this fake charade! I don't think Jesus would appreciate it very much."

"Marina…" Laura sounded exasperated.

Guzman pulled Lu onto his lap and kissed her again, then grinned at her. "You know mom is only doing this because she knows you like to go, right?"

Lu laughed, hoping he couldn't tell how touched she was by the gesture.

Sitting in church later, Lu leaned forward as Guzman was reading the worship guide. She waited until Laura looked over at her and mouthed "thank you." The bells marking the beginning of the service started ringing just as she was leaning back.

 **** Present (aka** _One week earlier, cont'd._ **)**

To Laura's credit she didn't ask any follow-up questions when Lu showed up at her house the next day. Guzman had probably prepped her with what little information he felt he could share and told her not to pry, but Lu was still thankful. She was self-aware enough to know she looked like hell and knew how much effort it had to cost Laura not to fuzz about it. After a brief shock had passed over her features, she all but squashed Lu in a long hug, then led her onto the couch and handed her a hot chocolate.

Once the tree was done and the two of them agreed that they had done an especially good job this year (Laura insisting that Lu had played just as important a role directing as if she had hung the ornaments herself), a plate of cookies and steaming mugs of mulled wine materialized.

Lu blamed the wine for what happened next. She should have told Laura no, that she shouldn't mix her Xanax and the painkillers she was taking with alcohol. But Lu was in no mood to turn down wine. That's how she found herself less than half an hour later sobbing into Laura's cardigan. One minute they had been talking about Lu's new job at the Foreign Office, and the next she'd turned into a complete emotional mess.

Laura, to her credit once again, didn't ask too many questions. Lu realized how freeing it was to be sad, devastated even, without having someone try to apologize, try to proactively fix the problem or judge her for the reason of her tears in the first place.

"I… I thought this guy liked me, but then I have to find out he… he got serious with another girl. I just assumed that he and I would, that we would-" Lu couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence out loud, so she buried her face in her hands.

She let Laura pull her into her arms. "I'm sorry, honey." Her voice was so soothing, Lu felt like she was being wrapped up in a warm velvet blanket. "I didn't know you had been seeing anyone after Rafael. But if this…" Lu didn't supply the name the way she knew Laura was hoping for. "If this man was seeing someone else while you were going out, he isn't worth it."

But he is, Lu thought. Out loud, she just hummed and leaned fully into the embrace. She couldn't be completely honest with Laura, but still- opening up to some degree and being comforted by the closest thing she had to a mom felt like a band-aid on her soul. The love and warmth helped to distract Lu, at least for a few hours, from how badly she wanted to go back to last Christmas.

**** Last Christmas. Lu has been seeing Rafael for three weeks, Val and Leo have been together for eight months.**

Because the time between Christmas and New Year's was always crowded, Carla had been hosting the winery's end of year party in early December for years. Lu always looked forward to it. It wasn't a stuffy sit-down dinner with endless courses and wine pairings. Instead, a group of around 100 people gathered in the winery's large cellar, listened to live music and sampled round after round of wine, with the occasional fingerfood snack. Lu always ended up completely smashed, and she knew she wasn't the only one. The waiters were too good with coming around with a new bottle what felt like every five minutes.

After wine number three or four, Valerio said something to the little group he was standing in with Leo, Carla and a couple of winery employees and turned to go upstairs. The look he gave her across the room sent shivers up Lu's spine. She handed Rafael her glass, excused herself and followed Val. She'd just reached the top of the stairs when she was pulled around the corner and pushed into the wall, with Val's lips and hands on her immediately.

"You can't wear that dress and then barely talk to me all night while you parade around your boyfriend," he murmured against her neck.

Lu pushed him away half-heartedly. "What if someone comes up the stairs?" She wanted to sound more upset, but the breathless way her voice came out nixed that.

Val smirked and pulled her a little further down the hall. Since no one was working anymore, the lights in this part of the winery had been turned off, leaving them in the dark except for the light coming from the stairs. Val kissed her again, slower this time.

No, she was not going to make it this easy for him. "Talk to a girl a little before you start ravaging her, where are your manners?"

Valerio laughed. "Ok. Fine." He played with a strand of her hair. "When will I see you for Christmas?"

Ah, the holiday puzzle. Lu realized it would take a little more planning this year, now that it wasn't just her-and-Val anymore. No "Depraved Orphans' Christmas" as Val had dubbed it a couple of years ago.

She told Val about her Christmas Eve plans, even though those had been the same for years -dinner with Nadia, Guzman and Laura. "And then…" She hesitated for a split second. "Rafael and I are at his family's Christmas Day."

"Are you serious?" Val dropped the strand of her hair. Lu couldn't fully tell in the dark hallway, but she was pretty sure the look on his face qualified as incredulous. "You've only been dating for a few weeks!"

Lu crossed her arms. She had no reason to feel defensive, and yet… "So? He makes me happy. And parents love me, you know that. Of course he wants to take me home! You'll be with Leo anyway, right?"

"Ah." Lu hated how knowing Val sounded. "I see. Sure, she's asked whether I want to come to her parents' for Christmas." He took a step toward her and Lu lifted her hand to play with the top buttons of his shirt. Val's voice was deep when he asked her "Does that mean I won't get to see you for Christmas at all?"

Lu pushed her hand into his shirt and slowly raked her nails across his chest. "Rafael's family does lunch on Christmas Day, I could be home in time for dinner."

"Leo's family does dinner."

"After-dinner cocktails it is." Lu didn't look away when Val roughly grabbed her hand and stared at her.

He took another step toward her so he was crowding her into the wall. "10 pm, your place."

The next thing she was aware of were Val's lips on her. The kiss was so rough it took her breath away. He wanted a struggle? Fine. Lu hooked her fingers in the short curls at the back of his neck and pulled, hard. Val growled and Lu smiled into the kiss triumphantly.

He made his way down her jaw, her neck, biting, sucking. By the time his hand went under her skirt, Lu was so sensitive that the brush of his fingers against her panties made her moan. 

"Sssh, you don't want anyone to hear us, right?" Lu shook her head, but let out a yelp when he pushed one finger inside of her. It was like she had no control over her own body. Val slowed.

"If you can't be quiet, Lu…" No. There was no way they were going to stop now. Lu bucked her hips, desperate for more friction. Val covered her mouth with his other hand. He looked into her eyes and she nodded.

Val wasn't able to fully cover her screams, but Lu didn't care. His other hand was fucking her so hard and fast that she lost all awareness for her surroundings. When she came down from her high, it was Val's turn to grin at her triumphantly. He removed the hand that had her head pushed against the wall and slowly pulled out the other one.

Lu's breath was still coming out in short huffs and her legs gave out as soon as she lost the support. Val caught her quickly and held her up until she stopped shaking. "Hey." He leaned in and kissed her cheek, gently pushing her hair out of her face. "You ok?" He pulled away enough to look at her.

Lu blinked. The tenderness of the moment hit her so suddenly that her throat closed up. All she could do was nod.

***

Christmas Eve with Laura, Guzman and Nadia was lovely. Her 17-year-old self would've thrown a fit at the suggestion of having dinner with this particular group of people, but Lu was proud to say she had grown past her teenage narrow-mindedness.

Christmas Day lunch with Rafael and his family had been a success as well, even though for her, it had resembled a flawless performance more than something she genuinely enjoyed. Rafael had told her to "relax" as they'd pulled up to his parents' house. _Cute._

His family ended up enamored with her, obviously, but things like that didn't just happen. Lu had a routine, a repertoire of stories, gestures, laughs that she'd honed for years and would adjust according to her audience. Of course his mom and stepdad had loved her. Of course his grandfather had been so delighted with her, he at some point during the afternoon had taken Rafael aside and whispered something into his grandson's ear all choked up while both men were looking at her. Rafael's brother had only shown average levels of enthusiasm, but that was normal - Lu knew that winning over people her own age always took her a little longer. She'd have Louis eating out of the palm of her hand by Easter.

Now she was ready for the part of Christmas she had been looking forward to the most. After the act she had had to put on all day, Lu was extra grateful for the fact she could be on the couch in her yoga pants and a tasteful red-and-gold Christmas sweater. For a couple of years, she had waited by the door for Val wearing intricate lingerie. But more recently, both of them had agreed on Christmas being more of a quiet affair.

They didn't even do presents (with one particular exception), a marked contrast to the stress Lu had gone through for years with her parents, or with Guzman and his family. No, Christmas with Val meant getting to enjoy the luxury of hours of uninterrupted time together without setting foot outside into the real world.

The key turned in the door just as she was dropping the ice into their martini glasses. Lu felt Val's arms sneak around her from behind and giggled as he was nosing her throat. "Merry Christmas, Lulu."

She turned around and kissed him. "Merry Christmas to you. And cheers."

Valerio accepted his glass. "Cheers." After taking a large sip, he grinned at her. "Wow, you're generous with the gin. Good thing I don't have anywhere to be tonight."

After their second round, when Lu was fully in Val's lap curled up like a cat, they briefly talked about their respective outings that day. They were adults after all. Try as she may, Lu couldn't fully push down the shot of relief that went through her when she heard the lack of emotion in Val's voice as he talked about dinner with the Monteros. She kept her own description of events short ("It was a success, no surprise there") and then got up to fix them another round of martinis.

When she came back into the living room, Val was splayed out on the couch wearing nothing but his briefs. At her giggle, he raised his eyebrows in mocked outrage. "What are you laughing at? This is what the ladies like!"

He tried to pull her down on top of him and she only managed to hold out long enough to set the glasses down on the table (with a considerable amount of their drinks ending up on the floor). She was laughing hysterically in no time. It should be illegal for someone who knew her this well to tickle her.

"You are wearing an unacceptable amount of clothes," he said loudly over her shrieks. "That sweater has got to go."

In the end, they were both on the floor in their underwear. Taking off everything else had turned out to be a great idea when Lu had bumped into the coffee table in her effort to overpower Val and given them both a martini shower. She was just starting to complain about the stickiness when Val licked her arm and then smacked his lips like he had tasted a good wine. "Screw body shots," he said, "this is the only way I will ever have martinis again."

They silently agreed to stay on the floor, which Lu was thankful for because her stomach hurt from laughing. Val had an arm slung over her waist and her head was resting on his chest. She only realized they had talked for over an hour when Val started to gently push her off of him.

"Hey." He laughed at her unhappy whine. "It's almost midnight and I do want to give you your present before Christmas is over."

Val got up to grab a small package from the pocket of his coat. He placed it in her lap and sat down facing her. They were so close that his breath ghosted over her face. Lu slowly unwrapped the soft package and felt her eyes well up when the paper fell away.

"Another pair for your collection," Val said softly, using his thumb to wipe away the one tear that was rolling down her cheek.

Lu slid her hands into the gloves. The grey leather was buttery soft, the cashmere lining made her feel like she had stuck her hands into a cloud.

"Thank you," she whispered. It didn't matter that she'd received a pair of gloves from Val every year since she was nine - it still felt like affection was being poured out over her until she was covered head to toe. And if she'd have a hundred pairs stacked away in her drawers, Lu was absolutely certain she'd never tire of the warmth that spread through her when Val handed her his gift. She had no recollection of Christmas in Norway when she was eight years old except for a single memory: Hot water running down her back and Val's "I got you" in her ear.

She bridged the short distance between them, leaned over with her gloved hands on his knees and kissed him. "I love you."

Val framed her face with his hands. "I love you, too." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter I enjoyed writing the most so far because I am a) a total sap and b) a Christmas freak, and I'd love to hear which Christmas in here was your favorite.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holaaa! I know it's been forever and I'm sorry. I have not forgotten about this- this universe's Lu and Val are on my mind a lot. I just haven't been able to sit down and w r i t e. But here we are AND we're catching up with the present this chapter! In case you don't remember chapter 1 - that means it's not going to be cheerful towards the end there. I still hope you enjoy and thanks to everyone who hasn't given up on me and my sad updating "schedule." I promise I have a plan for where this is going.  
> TW: Murky consent issues and drug use (which I am still extremely unknowledgeable about, FYI).

_Two days earlier._

Lu got through Christmas Eve dinner with Nadia, Guzman and Laura by drinking as much wine as she could get away with in polite company (or, judging by Nadia's glances, probably a bit more). The next morning, she was dismayed when she looked outside. Snow on Christmas Day, really? Fuck this.

She got the tequila from the fridge and went back to bed. No polite company to pretend for today, and she sure as hell wasn't going to set foot outside into Winter Fucking Wonderland. So, might as well. Lu unscrewed the bottle and took her first gulp. It was 9:53 am.

In a stroke of genius, she texted both Carla and Nadia a "Merry Christmas, love!" with a bunch of snowflake emojis. Getting ahead of this now meant she wouldn't have to reply to any messages later, when she planned to be too drunk to hold her phone.

The wind was howling outside. It made her shiver involuntarily despite the down covers she was huddled under. The snow was coming down hard outside her window now, too. After another swig, Lu put the bottle back on the nightstand and shook out her left hand. It felt almost painfully cold. Probably auto-suggestion, that's what she got for doing nothing but staring at snowflakes. She pulled her hands in under the blanket, curled up and closed her eyes. If she could just go back to sleep…

Her phone beeped. Lu considered ignoring it for a moment, but if it was Carla replying to her text, she had better open it so her friend didn't show up at her door again just because her messages remained unread. The mere thought of coming face-to-face with a worried Carla kickstarted a dull throbbing at the back of Lu's skull. It had cost her enough energy to convince the little group at dinner last night that no, she really didn't want to sleep over at Laura's and spend Christmas Day with them.

Lu had come up with some bullshit about mindfulness meditations and had eventually resorted to a lie about visiting with an aunt who was in town when she realized that the yoga wasn't cutting it. Anything to get Laura to stop looking at her like she was the last puppy left at the shelter. Lu knew that Guzman's mom meant well with not wanting her to be alone for Christmas. But the thought of having to breathe and smile and talk like a normal person while Nadia and Guzman would be trying to be extra cheerful made Lu want to crawl out of her skin.

Another beep. Lu groaned. Where was her phone? She found it wedged between the mattress and the headboard, opened her texts - and wished she hadn't.

"Merry Christmas, Lulu. I know you don't want to see me. But maybe I could just drop off my present? Five minutes, nothing more, please. You could use the gloves today." And then a second message sent two minutes later: "Please, Lu. I love you."

Lu was squeezing her eyes shut, her nails were digging into her palms, but it was no use. The tears still came. Why did he not stop?

She sat up, tossed the phone to the far corner of the bed and grabbed the tequila from the nightstand again. The swig she took was big enough to make her cough half of it back up. When her throat stopped burning, she took another and then - third time's the charm - another. Finally, the room started to go fuzzy at the edges. Lu slid back down under the covers and pulled them over her head. Even horrible Christmas Days only lasted 24 hours. She could do this.

***

The next day passed in a haze, with her head feeling like it was stuck in a cloud of cotton that made it hard to hear, see, breathe. But on the 27th, Lu woke up with a strong sense of determination. She didn't know where it came from, but she grabbed onto it with both hands. Instead of loneliness and anger sitting on her chest, pooling in her stomach and pushing her down into the mattress, Lu was powered by almost blinding clarity. She jumped out of bed and pulled back the curtains. Her mood improved even more when she saw that the damn snow outside was melting, turning into grey slush.

A quick call and some pleading with Sergio got her a hair appointment that afternoon and Nina always let her cut in line when she bribed her with a bottle of champagne. Great hair? Check. Waxing? Check. Lu was going to look her fucking best tonight. Leo wouldn't know what hit her. As if some fetus could ever compete with what she and Val had. Please.

Lu didn't know how she had let herself get upset. The baby thing was a level-up in difficulty, sure, but she thrived on competition. She'd been lulled into a false sense of security with Val, so this was simply a great wake-up call. Nothing in her life was ever just granted to her. She had merely forgotten that for a little while. Now it was time to fight for what she wanted. And Lu knew for a fact she was going to win.

A soft voice of doubt registered at the back of her mind, but Lu was not about to let that stop her. As long as she wasn't standing still, she could drown it out no problem. And not slowing down was suddenly easy - her energy levels were sky-high, a drastic change from the pathetic shell of a person she'd been for the last two weeks since Val and Leo's grand announcement. She would _not_ go back to curling up under a blanket of despair. No, she had a goal now. That was cause for celebration! Lu ran into the kitchen, grabbed one of her brand-new champagne glasses from the cupboard - Nadia really had made great choices, she needed to thank her for that - and popped open the bottle she still had in the fridge. She'd stop on the way to the salon to get another one for Nina.

Her phone rang while she was going through her closet. Lu tossed the dresses she was considering on the bed and smiled when she saw the caller ID. "Nadia, hi!"

"Wow, hi. You sound energetic. How are you feeling?"

Lu did nothing to stop the laughter bubbling up in her throat. Why should she? "Fucking fantastic, actually, how are you?" Hearing Nadia speechless for a second made her giggle even more. 

"I, uhh. Good. That's… that's great. I'm glad, you really sound a lot better."

"Is there something you wanted? I'm trying to figure something out right now."

"Right." Nadia cleared her throat. "Just real quick, we were wondering if you wanted to come by tonight. Guzman has threatened to cook and I thought it could be fun for the three of us-"

Had Nadia forgotten what day it was? Lu shook her head at that absurd suggestion. "Nadia, you know I don't have time tonight. It's Val's birthday, remember? The party starts at 8. I thought you guys were coming, too."

The silence stretched out for even longer this time. When Nadia finally spoke, saying she didn't think Lu was going to go, she sounded so confused that Lu made an honest effort to rein in her laughter. Poor girl.

"Nadia, don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm going." She put the phone on speaker, tossed it on the nightstand and paced around her bed, bouncing on the tip of her toes. The gold dress with pearl applications on top of the pile caught her eye and Lu reached across the bed to grab it. This was definitely the one. With a plain necklace and the satin finish Dior lipstick…

"Uhm, ok." Lu startled. She had forgotten Nadia was still there. "I just spoke with Guzman and if you really want to go, we'll come too. But Lu, are you sure-"

"Terrific, I'll see you there. Bye!"

Lu hung up and took another sip of champagne. She had the dress picked out, now she still needed to figure out what shoes to wear and how she wanted Sergio to do her hair. Looking down at her silk pjs, Lu grinned. She should probably get dressed, too, before she headed out for her appointments. But first things first - there was nothing sadder than a half-drunken bottle of champagne that had lost its bubbles. Lu poured herself another glass, then skipped over to her dresser to grab a shirt and a pair of jeans. She laughed out loud when she realized she was a woman who skipped around her bedroom now. What a crazy day it was. Tonight would be even better.

***

Lu knew she looked hot, but the way Leo’s eyes widened when she opened the door for her was still a more than welcome reaction. The skin-tight golden bandeau dress fit her even better now, thanks to the weight she had lost over the past two months or so. The pearls on the bottom of the dress, halfway down her thighs, caught the light just right. And Sergio had curled her hair into waves that cascaded over her shoulders. Add to that the fact that she could almost look Leo straight in the eye because she was wearing her favorite nude heels while the blonde was in ballet flats and Lu was already having a great time before she had made it all the way into the house.

She stumbled a little and Leo put out a steadying hand. "You ok?"

"Yep." Lu pulled away. Ok was an understatement. She had finished the first bottle of champagne by herself and then split the second one with Nina - after her waxing, Lu did not want anyone doing that job who wasn't completely sober - and her entire body was faintly vibrating, like there were electrons right underneath her skin. 

Leo was staring at her. "What happened to your legs?"

Ah, yes. Lu had considered wearing black tights for a second so the small scars running from her knees down to her ankles wouldn't be visible. And then she had decided not to give a damn. They were already mostly healed and she wanted to show off her legs. Tights were counterproductive.

"Got attacked by a wild cat," she told Leo shortly. "Now, why don’t you get me a drink?"

"Sure," Leo said with a smile that didn't look entirely effortless. "A water maybe? We also have ginger ale…"

"G&T, please."

"I don’t know, Lu, maybe-"

"Listen, darling," Lu said, her mouth inches from Leo's ear. "I’m your guest and you offered me a drink. As a good hostess, you’ll walk over there now and get me a gin and tonic. Thank you!"

She released her fingers from where they had been digging into Leo’s arm and sent her on her way with a smile. The smile, in fact, that had made countless girls in the halls of Las Encinas cry. The one that had always made Carla pull on her arm and say "Lu" in that warning tone of voice. Lu reveled in wearing it again.

***

Carla had felt a little weird coming to Valerio's party, but Samu had convinced her it was the right thing to do. "Was it shitty not to say anything about the baby? Sure. But it's his birthday. And you still have to work together, you don't want to make it awkward. Come on."

That last argument had convinced her. Still, the first thing out of her mouth after "Happy birthday" was that they wouldn't stay long because Samu had an early workshop the next day. He had complained when the senior partner at his practice had signed everyone up for it ("Six hours on a Sunday, Carla!") and she had commiserated, but now she found the whole thing rather convenient.

They had taken maybe three steps toward the living room when Carla heard Lu's voice behind her. Before she had fully turned around, Lu enveloped her in a hug.

"Hey you," Carla said with a laugh - that died in her throat when she got a good look at her best friend. Lu had pulled out all the stops, but the gorgeous dress and her blow-out couldn't distract Carla from the cuts that covered her legs.

"What the hell happened to you?" Her mind helpfully supplied _And how did I not know about it?_ The scars looked like they were already healing.

"Dropped my watch into some rose bushes and had to crawl in there to get it back," Lu said and shrugged. "You know how I am about my Cartier."

"Are you on something? Rose bushes? What the fuck are you talking about?"

Lu looked at her with big eyes and tugged on her hand. "Carlaaa, don't be this way. Let's have fun! I want to dance, come on. Please?"

Carla did not think she was going to have any fun tonight anymore, but she could pretend for a few songs for Lu's sake.

After twenty minutes Carla feigned being out of breath. She waited until Lu was out of sight, then marched over to the two people she'd been looking for.

"You know what happened," she told Guzman and Nadia matter-of-factly. Nadia was doing an ok job of controlling her features, but Guzman's face made it clear to Carla that she was right. "So?"

There was some stuttering from both of them. "Uh, maybe you should talk to Lu," Guzman eventually suggested like an idiot, like Carla had not already tried that.

She leveled him with a gaze. "SPEAK."

"Well, she was upset after learning about the baby thing and-"

Carla's heart went cold. "She did that to herself?" No, that couldn't be true. Could it?

Nadia sent Guzman an angry glance that Carla registered in the back of her mind.

"No!" Guzman protested hastily. "No, not really, she… just… uh…"

Carla wasn't listening anymore. She hadn't acted on her first instinct and this was the result. She was not going to wait too long again.

"Forget it." She cut off Guzman's rambling. "This is it, I'm done. Tomorrow I am sitting her down, we'll look into therapy options and I am not leaving before she agrees to go. If you want to help, you're welcome to come, but if not I'm doing this without you. I don't care."

They were silent for a moment. Then Nadia sighed. "Ok. But would you wait until Monday? Lu is going to feel horrible tomorrow and I don't think it's a good idea to have this conversation while she's hungover."

That actually made sense. "Fine." Carla nodded. "7pm, Lu's place on Monday. See you then."

***

Nadia turned to Guzman. "Really??"

"I'm sorry," Guzman said, shrugging. "But Carla was scary, you saw her. And maybe this is for the best."

Nadia sighed. "I guess. I'm just worried it'll feel like an ambush when we all show up at Lu's. I don't want her to feel betrayed or like we're ganging up on her."

Guzman pointed out they didn't have to go along with Carla. But deep down, Nadia knew that wasn't really an option, not anymore.

She looked up when she heard a loud squeal and laughed despite herself. "Look," she said to Guzman, "someone found Omar."

***

Omar was glad he had made the last-minute trip from Valencia when Nadia had called him this morning. He normally didn't jump in his car and drive the four-plus hours to Madrid on a whim, and it wasn't like he'd been dying to go to Valerio's birthday. But when Nadia had told him she and Guzman had made up with Lu, he'd called a buddy-slash-former-hook-up to ask if he could stay on his couch, then packed a bag. Staying with his sister and Guzman was fine sometimes, but it had been a while since he'd gone out, so he was in the mood to make the most of Valerio's party - and stumbling home drunk with his extremely sober sister would never not feel weird to Omar.

He had missed Lu over the past four months, even just gossiping on the phone with her. Nadia still hadn't told him what the two of them had been fighting about, but whatever it was - Omar was glad it was over. It meant Nadia and Lu could be in the same room again and that meant Lu could squeeze the life out of him as she was sitting on his lap on Valerio's couch.

"'Missed you sooooo much," Lu said, her face pressed against his chest.

Omar laughed. He really didn't have anyone like Lu in his life in Valencia. "I missed you, too." That got him a huge smile and a kiss on the cheek. He let his eyes roam over her legs, then returned his gaze to her face. "Do you want to tell me why it looks like an angry monkey shaved your legs with a machete?"

Lu giggled and leaned back so suddenly that Omar just barely managed to hold on to her and prevent her from landing on the floor.

"You are hilarious." Lu started giggling again and Omar inclined his head to indicate he was still waiting for a response. "I went on an adventure!" she told him in a whisper. "I went rock climbing and I fell. But not that far! Just a fall small. A small… fall."

"Sure you did." Omar grinned and shook his head. She didn't want to tell him, that was fine. After a little more cuddling, Lu dragged him out to the improvised dance floor in the middle of the living room. Only then did he realize _how_ drunk she was. He made sure to always have at least one hand on her hip. When she completely lost her balance after a twirl and only didn't land flat on her ass because he caught her, Omar decided that no matter how much fun this was, he should probably sit her down and grab them some snacks. He was just about to lead her back to the couch when he saw her eyes widening almost imperceptibly. Before he could turn around to see what had caught her attention, he heard Valerio's voice behind him. "Hey, mind if I cut in? This looks like fun." 

***

Leo looked up from the dishwasher as her cousin entered the kitchen. "Amaia, hey. Are you having a good time?"

The other woman huffed out a breath. "Sure. Are _you_?" She stepped to the side so that Leo could see Val dancing with his sister. Well, if that passed for dancing. He had to physically hold her up against him, but they still managed to take up pretty much all the space in the living room. When they spun around and almost knocked the wine glass out of Leo's office mate's hand, she turned around swiftly and banged the dishwasher shut.

"No comment." Leo pressed her lips together.

Amaia wasn't having it. "Oh, come on," she whispered with a glint in her eye. "I know we're not allowed to say anything to Valerio. But it's me! You can talk to me. Like, what the hell is she wearing? We're not hitting the clubs tonight. Leo, two separate people have already asked me who the hell she is, and not in a nice way. It's embarrassing. How did she even get this drunk? You ran out of tequila hours ago, and I wouldn't think that wine or gin-"

"She was already drunk when she got here." The words left Leo's mouth of their own accord, but now that she had started talking, she found she couldn't stop - or rather she didn't want to. She pulled her cousin further into the kitchen.

"I tried to offer her a soda and she was a total bitch about it. And now look at her! I'm telling you, if she throws up, Val can clean it up."

Amaia laughed. "Let me guess," she said. "She hasn't congratulated you in person yet either."

"Nope. Val says she was happy when he told her, but honestly… I'm getting tired of trying with her. And I wouldn't care normally! Like, you hate Olivier's brother, right?"

"Total douche," Amaia said with an emphatic nod.

"Exactly. But Val and Lu are so close. Like…" Leo hesitated. This felt almost too personal to share, but she hadn't been able to talk to anyone about how Lu was driving her crazy. Having Amaia listen to and actually agree with her was freeing.

"A couple of months ago, she called him at 4:30 in the morning. I woke up first, so I had her on the phone for a few seconds. She legit sounded like she was having a nervous breakdown. Val drove over there in the middle of the night and stayed with her all day. But when I asked what was wrong, he got all defensive! Like, I'm not even allowed to be concerned?"

Amaia stared at her. "Are you fucking kidding me? That's insane. He didn't explain at all?"

"Nope. Nada." Leo shook her head.

"Well, is he going to do that when the baby is here, too? What if you're out, he's alone with the baby and then Lu calls? Is he going to bring your kid to see his mentally unstable sister?"

Leo was beginning to get uncomfortable. She shouldn't have shared this much with her cousin. "Ok, 'mentally unstable' is a bit much."

"Not from what I've seen and heard of her," Amaia said under her breath. When Leo glared at her, she lifted up her hands and took a step back. "Alright, alright, I'll shut up. Just trying to look out for you. And don't worry, I won't say anything to your boyfriend. "

***

Valerio could feel his resolve slipping. When he'd first seen Lu walk in, he was so grateful he wanted to cry. After two weeks of ignoring all his messages, she'd shown up to his birthday like it was the most natural thing in the world. He'd kept his distance - part of him was afraid that she'd vanish like an optical illusion the second he'd try to talk to her. But then she had suddenly appeared in front of him, kissed his cheek and whispered happy birthday in his ear while playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. _Fuck_.

She'd been gone a second later to say hi to Carla and when one of Leo's friends had came up to him to say happy birthday, Valerio had had to make a conscious effort to form words.

And now he and Lu were dancing in front of Leo and all their friends and while his hands never left her body, he wanted to be touching her… differently. Part of it was the way she looked in that fucking dress. The gold looked perfect on her skin and the way the tight skirt with those shimmery pearls kept riding up- he was getting into dangerous territory here.

What really hit him was the way that Lu looked at him, though. In his wildest dreams, he'd thought that _maybe_ she would show up to the party to throw him angry glances from across the room all night. But her eyes did not look remotely angry now. They were almost black with want. 

Valerio was pulled from his thoughts when Lu stumbled backwards, almost crashing into the glass side table at the edge of what they had declared the dance floor. He caught her at the last second and felt like someone had shaken him awake. What was he doing here? Lu could not even stand on her own anymore.

"I think it's time for you to go home," he told her.

"No!" She clung to his chest. "I don't wanna go home. We're having too much fun."

Valerio could smell her perfume. He had to close his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, he saw that a few people were looking at Lu and whispering. He wasn't going to forcibly put her in a car, but she couldn't stay down here, either.

"Fine. We're going to upstairs and you'll lie down there, ok?" Maybe she'd just fall asleep.

Lu's smile made her look like the cat that got the canary. "Yes, let's go upstairs."

They had barely made it into the bedroom when Lu tried to kiss him. Valerio hissed at what the short contact with her lips did to his already uncomfortably tight jeans, but he managed to hold her at arm's length. "Lu, stop," he said, his voice low. "That is not why I brought you up here. You're drunk. You need to sleep this off and then," he took a deep breath, "we should talk about… everything."

There was no indication Lu had listened to a word he'd said. She was trying to undo the buttons of his shirt and whined when her fumbling hands didn't manage.

"Stop!" he told her, a little louder this time. "We can't, not tonight. Lu, it's not going to happen!" He pushed her just a little, but because she had zero sense of balance left, she fell backwards onto the bed. For a split-second, Valerio thought he'd gotten through to her. Then Lu's face changed. The drunk playfulness was replaced by naked hurt.

“What, you don’t want me? Just fucking say it then. Stop with the excuses.”

She was swaying, her fingers digging into the mattress to keep herself upright and he shouldn’t, Valerio _knew_ he shouldn’t, but the pain in her eyes was too much. He couldn’t bear to see Lu looking at him like that, especially when she was so wrong, when every cell of his body was on fire with how much he wanted to tear that dress off of her and finally hold her in his arms for real. 

He lunged forward and pushed her down, kissing her feverishly before her head even hit the bed. Lu was clawing at his back like she was trying to cling to a piece of driftwood that was keeping her afloat and whined when he pulled away from their kiss. 

“Of course I fucking want you.” Valerio could barely get the words out but he needed to say it before his brain shut down completely. “I nearly went crazy these past two weeks. You can’t just-“ 

Lu nodded frantically, then grabbed onto his neck to pull him down for another kiss before he could finish. 

Their clothes were on the floor when Lu moaned his name. “Val...” He squeezed her breast harder, bit at her thigh, but she wouldn't stop pulling at his hair. When Valerio finally looked up at her, he saw on her face that she wanted him to stop - had wanted him to stop for a while. He felt an almost visceral disgust with himself. Of course she did. What had he been thinking?

"Fuck. I am so sorry, Lu. I didn't mean to… I'm sorry." He scrambled back so quickly that his head started spinning a little - it wasn't like he was exactly sober, either. Which was probably why he thought he misheard Lu the first time she asked.

"Do I… what?"

"Do you still have coke around?"

He flat-out denied it at first. But lying to Lu was hard enough for him when he was sober. Once she knew, he still tried to refuse, tried saying that they shouldn't, but they both knew he would give in. Valerio hated himself even as he was getting the small bag with white powder out of his travel shaving kit. Lu was obviously not ok. The last time he had seen her do drugs was with him, right after Guzman had broken up with her for the last time in high school, what felt like a hundred years ago.

What he should be doing, Valerio thought as he put the coke down in four lines on his bedside table, two for each of them, was get her a glass of water, then send her home. _Yeah right._ As if he could deny Lu anything, especially after what he'd done to her. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. She was leaning back against the headboard with her eyes closed. Last chance to do the right thing, his brain offered.

"Lu." He put a hand on her knee. She smiled at him and if he'd had any hope before, he realized then that he didn't stand a chance. Cocaine was a joke compared to the brown-eyed girl in his bed. Valerio leaned over and kissed her, long and slow. When he pulled away, he made room so she could scoot up right to the bedside table. "Ready."

Lu turned to him with another lopsided smile. "Could you get me some water?"

"Sure." The first sensible thing out of her mouth all night.

Valerio was gone for under a minute. But he should've known better. Things could go to shit in less than sixty seconds. He dropped the glass when he noticed what was happening, but he wasn't quick enough. In the time it took him to rush to her side, Lu had snorted the last of the four lines, leaving nothing but a thin residue on the table. There was defiance in her eyes when she looked up at him.

***

Guzman was pacing back and forth in the corner of the living-room that Nadia had dragged him to so he wouldn't "cause a scene" when Valerio had guided Lu up the stairs with an arm around her waist.

"It's been half an hour, Nadia, he's not just helping her sober up," he grid out, his hand curled into a fist inside his jacket pocket. "That asshole, she could barely walk."

He raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement when Leo waved at them from across the living-room and held up his full glass to signal her she didn't need to come their way to refill it. She was beginning to show the tiniest bit.

Guzman was ready to escape the whole miserable charade that he found the night to be. But not before he'd made sure that Lu was ok.

Nadia was tugging at his hand. "You look like you're about to do something stupid," she told him. "I'd rather you didn't." Guzman chuckled despite himself. He pulled Nadia close and hugged her, breathing in her sandalwood scent. After another deep breath, he stepped back and shrugged.

"I'm ready to get out of here, but I want to check on Lu before we go." Nadia opened her mouth and he continued before she could say anything. "I'm not trying to cause trouble! If Valerio is up there holding her hair back or tugging her in, I promise I'll say thank you, shake his hand and leave."

His girlfriend mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Sure you will," making Guzman raise his eyebrows. "Do you not believe me?" She sighed.

"I believe that you believe this is what you'll do. Can't we just go home?" Nadia stepped closer to him and lowered her voice. "You've been the one saying we need to step back."

Guzman let his head fall back and briefly closed his eyes. Sure, he'd said that, more than once over the past couple of months. But he also had a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach that meant he couldn't let this go. After surreptitiously checking whether anyone was paying attention to them - they were not, everyone they knew had gone home and Leo's friends hadn't interacted much with them all night - Guzman crossed the living-room in a few large strides and made his way up the stairs. He could feel Nadia's presence behind him before she spoke. "You didn't think I'd let you sneak up here alone, right?"

The first door that he knocked on and opened was a bathroom, the second a hall closet. He walked down the hall. When he heard noises behind the last door on the left he picked up the speed and pushed it open without knocking. The sight took his breath away. Valerio was kneeling on the bed, quietly whispering something that Guzman couldn't hear into Lu's ear. Lu, who was naked, as far as Guzman could see, was leaning into her brother, her face flushed, her pupils dilated - and she was crying. No, that wasn't right. She was hyperventilating. Guzman blinked once, then it was like someone had flipped a switch in his brain.

The next thing he was aware of was his forearm pressing Valerio's throat against the wall. "What did you do to her? What did you do??"

Valerio was coughing and Guzman pushed harder. It had been a long time since he had last let rage take over his body. But now he welcomed the searing pain in his gut, the ringing in his ears and the way everything in front of him blurred in and out of focus.

"Guzman. Guzman, stop!" The voice tickled the back of his neck. "Guzman!" Nadia. He turned around, the ringing already fading away. She was staring at him wide-eyed then jerked her head at Lu, who was definitely crying now. And shaking, despite the fact that Nadia had apparently found a hoodie and put it on her.

He removed his arm but didn't step away from Valerio. "What did you do?" he asked again. Were those tears in Valerio's eyes, too? Guzman had to hold himself back. That asshole did not get to stand there and cry. When Valerio finally got out that Lu had taken more than the two lines of coke he had laid out for her, Guzman was sure he was going to throw up. He put his hands behind his head and tried to take deep breaths. After a few seconds, the nausea was gone and he was left with his burning anger.

"Are you FUCKING kidding me?" They could probably hear him shouting downstairs. He did not care one bit. "You take her up here when she's completely wasted, get her into bed and then you give her drugs? What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you explain that to me? Huh? What the FUCK?"

"No, I… It wasn't like that, she-"

"Shut up." Both men turned around at the sound of Nadia's voice. "How much-" She had to swallow before she continued. "How much cocaine exactly? Should we be calling an ambulance?"

The air left Guzman's lungs. How had that not been his first question? He tried to listen to Valerio's explanation (the gist of which seemed to be "Bad, but not dangerous," which of course he knew from personal experience).

"A doctor would have to call someone about the coke, that would just put her in more trouble. She can stay here, I'll make sure-" That definitely got Guzman's full attention again.

"Like hell you will! _You_ should get back downstairs to your girlfriend." He turned around, sat down on the bed and grabbed Lu's hand. "Lu, we're leaving now, ok? You're staying with Nadia and me tonight."

She whimpered, her eyes on Valerio. "No. No, I…"

"She doesn't want to leave!" Valerio took a step toward the bed, but Guzman pushed him back by the shoulders.

"Stay the hell away from her!" Just when Guzman thought he might get to beat the crap out of Valerio yet this night, a "What on Earth is going on here?" distracted him. Leo was staring at them from the doorway.

Guzman only now felt how hot the room was. The heater had to be turned to the highest setting. Most of the bedding had ended up on the floor. Valerio was in his briefs, Lu was wearing one of his sweatshirts and had not stopped crying.

"Lu isn't feeling well," Nadia finally said after what felt like three minutes of silence to Guzman. If the entire situation wasn't this awful, he would've laughed out loud at Nadia's obvious understatement. "We're taking her home," she continued. "She threw up before she could make it to the bathroom. Valerio, sorry again, thanks for changing her. We'll take your clothes and wash them, too, alright?"

Guzman jumped into action when he noticed Nadia glaring at him and started picking up the items of clothing strewn about the room. He faintly realized that this was the best Nadia could've come up with on zero notice, but it still made precious little sense. If Leo spared the clothes he was collecting one glance, she'd see they were not covered in bodily fluids. And why would they take Valerio's clothes when he could just toss them into his own washer?

No matter. He handed the clothes to Nadia, then gathered up Lu in his arms. He walked past Valerio without looking at him so he wouldn't lose it again, nodded at Leo with a mumbled "Sorry" and squeezed past her out the bedroom door. At least 20 pairs of eyes were on him as he made his way down the stairs with Lu. He kissed her hair, tuned out the whispers of Leo's friends and clenched his jaw. Nadia's hand on his arm grounded him enough to not whip around and yell at Valerio, who was trailing them at a small distance.

When they got outside, he stopped for a moment to enjoy the cold breeze on his face. Just one more second, one more deep breath… "Guzman." Nadia touched his shoulder.

"Yeah." He adjusted Lu in his arms and followed Nadia to their car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lu and Val have capital-I Issues, so just to avoid any confusion: 1) Don't do hard drugs, kids. 2) If someone is too drunk/high/what have you to sit up straight anymore, they can't consent either. Don't attempt to have sex with them, even when they say they want to. Cool? Cool.


End file.
